The Gottman Institute distinguishes between flexible needs and core needs in the context of marital relationships:

Core Needs

• Definition: These are non-negotiable needs essential to a person's emotional and psychological well-being in a marriage. They reflect deeply held values, desires, or expectations.

• Examples:

  • Feeling respected and valued.

  • Trust and emotional safety.

  • Physical and emotional intimacy.

  • Shared goals or vision for the future.

• Key Characteristics:

  • They stem from fundamental aspects of identity and life priorities.

  • When unmet, they can lead to deep conflict, resentment, or withdrawal.

  • Partners need to acknowledge and honor these needs for the relationship to thrive.

Flexible Needs

• Definition: These are negotiable preferences or desires that are less critical to personal well-being. They can adapt over time or in response to a partner's circumstances.

• Examples:

  • Preferences for how chores are divided.

  • Specific leisure activities or hobbies.

  • Certain social routines or habits.

• Key Characteristics:

  • These are malleable and allow room for compromise.

  • Flexibility here helps couples navigate differences without significant emotional harm.

  • Prioritizing flexible needs over core needs can lead to unnecessary conflict.

Why the Distinction Matters

The Gottmans emphasize that successful couples recognize which of their needs fall into each category. Partners focus on meeting core needs while being willing to negotiate on flexible needs, fostering balance and mutual respect in the relationship. Ignoring core needs or treating flexible needs as non-negotiable can undermine marital stability and satisfaction.