In marriage and family relationships, it’s common to feel pressured by your partner or family member to try something they want, think how they do about something, or act how they want you to for their sake.

As a two-year-old might say when told to do something they don’t want: “You’re not my boss!” Having your own voice, opinions, and preferences is just as important in a marriage or family relationship as the need to feel attached, close, and connected.

This highlights two key developmental forces of relationship and personal growth. Human beings naturally want both to feel close to someone and to maintain a strong sense of who they are as an individual. Finding an ever-changing balance between these two needs determines the satisfaction and the level of resentment a relationship can have. When you attack or strongly pressure others to go against their core needs, they will resent you and shut down. Respect and being a graceful advocate for your core needs and the other reduces resentment and increases trust, commitment, and closeness for all involved.

The Difference Between Attachment vs. Differentiation

1. Attachment: Attachment refers to the emotional bond that forms between partners. A need for closeness, reassurance, and mutual dependency characterizes it. In marriage, attachment focuses on the desire to feel secure and connected to your partner.

2. Differentiation: Differentiation, in contrast, refers to an individual's ability to maintain their sense of self while being emotionally connected to their partner. It involves balancing closeness and independence without losing oneself in the relationship or feeling overly threatened by differences.

   Key Difference: While attachment emphasizes connection and dependency, differentiation emphasizes the capacity to stay emotionally connected without compromising individuality.

10 Examples: High vs. Low Differentiation Conversations

High Differentiation Conversations

1. Partner A: "I value my alone time, but I also enjoy our time together. Let’s find a balance that works for both of us." Partner B: "I respect that you need space. I’ll let you know if I start feeling distant, and we can adjust."

2. Partner A: "I feel hurt when you interrupt me, but I know it’s not intentional. Can we work on this together?"Partner B: "Thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more mindful of that."

3. Partner A: "I want to try something new for our vacation, even if it’s not your favorite. Are you open to discussing it?" Partner B: "Sure, let’s discuss what we want and compromise."

4. Partner A: "I notice we have different political views. I’d like to understand why you feel the way you do."Partner B: "I appreciate your curiosity. Let’s have an open discussion without judgment."

5. Partner A: "I’m struggling with work stress and might need more support this week." Partner B: "Thanks for sharing. Let me know how I can help without overstepping."

6. Partner A: "I love spending time with your family, but I also need some downtime after work." Partner B:"That’s fair. Let’s plan visits that work for both of us."

7. Partner A: "I don’t enjoy watching sports as much as you do, but I’d be happy to watch a game together occasionally." Partner B: "Thanks! I appreciate the effort, and we can also find activities we both enjoy."

8. Partner A: "I feel anxious about finances, but I trust we can figure it out together." Partner B: "I feel the same way sometimes. Let’s create a plan to ease our worries."

9. Partner A: "I need more time to think about this decision. I value your opinion, but I want to be sure of my choice." Partner B: "Take your time. I trust you to make the right decision for yourself."

10. Partner A: "I don’t feel like going to the party tonight, but I understand if you want to go without me." Partner B: "I’d like to go, but I understand your need to stay home. Let’s talk about how we handle events differently."

Low Differentiation Conversations

1. Partner A: "You always need so much space! Don’t you care about me?" Partner B: "Why do you always take it personally? Maybe I shouldn’t even share my needs with you.

2. Partner A: "You hurt my feelings by interrupting me. You’re so insensitive." Partner B: "Well, maybe you’re just too sensitive. Grow up."

3. Partner A: "Why do you always pick the vacation spot? Don’t you care about my preferences?" Partner B:"Maybe if you weren’t so difficult, I’d listen more."

4. Partner A: "Your political views are so frustrating. I don’t even know how you can think that way." Partner B:"Well, at least I’m not as naive as you."

5. Partner A: "You never support me when I’m stressed. I feel like I’m on my own." Partner B: "Maybe if you weren’t so dramatic, I’d feel like helping you."

6. Partner A: "I hate spending so much time with your family. It’s exhausting." Partner B: "Why can’t you just suck it up like I do with your friends?"

7. Partner A: "I can’t believe you’re making me watch sports again. You’re so selfish." Partner B: "You’re the selfish one. You never do anything I like."

8. Partner A: "Our finances are a mess, and it’s all your fault." Partner B: "At least I’m not the one spending money recklessly."

9. Partner A: "I don’t care what you think. I’m making this decision my way." Partner B: "Fine, but don’t come crying to me when it backfires."

10. Partner A: "If you go to that party without me, it shows you don’t love me." Partner B: "You’re so controlling. Maybe I won’t come back at all."

Differentiation: I Respect You, Me, and Us

If one end of the spectrum is enmeshment and the other extreme is detachment, differentiation is mid-way. Family therapy pioneer Murrary Bowen described differentiation as an evolutionary process fueled by two counter-balancing forces – the need for belonging and separation. Differentiation refers to how an individual can delineate self while in touch with feelings. A differentiated person accepts and discerns thoughts and emotions equally, manages reactivity, and makes meaningful choices, aware of how they affect others. They care for themselves and extend the care to others.

Therefore:

High-differentiation conversations show mutual respect, open communication, and self-awareness. Low-differentiation conversations are reactive, blame-oriented, and dismissive, reflecting difficulty maintaining individuality while staying emotionally connected.

Digging Deeper

Thank you to Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. (Couples Institute), David Schnarch and Julie and John Gottman (Gottman Institute)