1. Recognize the Harm of Contempt: “sulfuric acid for love”

• Contempt involves dismissiveness, sarcasm, and disrespect, which erodes trust and intimacy, and others often respond with resentment toward you.

• It can become addictive because it provides a false sense of superiority or control.

2. Understand Emotional Contempt Triggers

• Contempt often arises from unmet needs, fear, or resentment.

• Reflect on the root causes of negative feelings instead of projecting them onto others.

3. Practice Gratitude To Build New Neuropathways In Your Brain

• Regularly express appreciation and gratitude to counterbalance tendencies toward criticism.

• Gratitude rewires the brain to focus on the positive aspects of a partner and the relationship.

4. Cultivate Emotional Awareness:

• Be mindful of the feelings driving contempt and address them constructively.

• Name and process emotions without displacing them onto others.

5. Build a Culture of Respect: EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION

• Replace contemptuous behavior with kindness and curiosity about your partner’s perspective.

• Foster habits like active listening, affirming each other's values and showing affection.

• A culture of appreciation is best strengthened by replacing contempt with expressing one's feelings and longings as an invitation to mutually connect, discuss, and address each person’s core needs.

6. Focus on Positive Interactions

• Gottman’s research emphasizes the “magic ratio” of 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one.

• Celebrate small wins and moments of connection in daily life.

7. Seek Self-Improvement

• Practice empathy: The key to empathic responses is active listening, acknowledging their feelings without trying to "fix" them, and offering your presence as a source of comfort and support.

  The difference between sympathy and empathy lies in the depth of connection. Sympathy often acknowledges someone's feelings without fully engaging with their experience. On the other hand, empathy involves genuinely putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and validating their emotions.

  Practicing empathetic responses can foster greater emotional intimacy and trust during challenging times. It builds confidence that “I have your emotional back” in this relationship.

• Commit to breaking the cycle of contempt for your own well-being and your partner’s.

By recognizing contempt’s corrosive effects and adopting these practices, individuals can rebuild healthier, more fulfilling relationships and cultivate emotional resilience.

So, how do you stop contempt? What do you replace it with if you can’t simply squash it? Gottman initially encouraged creating an “atmosphere of appreciation,” but that is what is lacking when you’re in contempt. To simply try to do the opposite (appreciate) puts you right back into feeling fake—and the power of contempt is that it feels like you are being genuine. Gottman realized there needs to be a path that leads to a culture of appreciation, and that is by expressing your feelings and your longings.

People in contempt think they are expressing emotions—but they aren’t. They certainly feel emotions, but contempt is expressing (negative) judgments, which your partner will resent. So the key antidote to contempt is expressing your feelings and longings—and expressing them well. —— John Gottman

EXAMPLES OF CONTEMPT AND THEIR ANTIDOTES:

CONTEMPT: “Look at you, making breakfast and not asking me if I’d like any! You’re a selfish pig!”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “I miss having our mornings together – we used to really relax. I felt lonely watching you this morning.”

——-

CONTEMPT: “What on earth is wrong with you, driving like a maniac! Why can’t you be responsible—like me?!” 

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “When you drive like that, I get scared! I honestly start worrying we’ll have an accident, even though I know you’re an alert driver. Can we talk about what’s going on?” (Don’t try to have this discussion in the car!)

————

CONTEMPT: “Only thoughtless people are late! Not that you are ever going to change…”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION:“You know your lateness irritates me – like right now! I don’t need you to be perfect, but it’s hard for me, waiting for you. Tell me something about how you’re working to address this?”   

______

CONTEMPT: “Really? You ‘forgot’ to let me know you had a conflict with our parenting class? As if. I never do this to you…”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION:“Honey, I can forget things myself – sometimes even important things! But this hurt! I felt embarrassed, being there by myself. I really want an apology!”

_______

CONTEMPT: “Are you still harping on that? That was six years ago and you’re bringing it up again? Why the hell don’t you see a therapist?”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “Whoa – I feel like I’m missing something here, and I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me that this old wound gets healed, and I’m not sure how. Why is this coming up right now for you?”

(Source Gottman Inst!tute — thank you! )

Notice what the antidotes entail: a clear statement of what I am feeling (“I’m mad, sad, lonely, scared,…”), often combined with a request or a longing (“I’d like…”) and, ideally, an invitation (“What do you think?” “Can we talk about this?”)

Once you see what contempt is for, it becomes possible to kill it in its tracks— because you are now focused on expressing what is going on for you. And that is integrity. —- John Gottman

DIGGING DEEPER: