We can’t talk about it!

Destructive Double Binds

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

In the intricate dance of relationship, communication often determines the health of that relationship. However, one of the most damaging dynamics that can arise is the double bind: a contradictory communication trap where both options available to one partner lead to negative outcomes, and the underlying issue cannot be safely discussed. These patterns often stem from unspoken fears, unmet needs, or unresolved power struggles that hide in two or more conflicting messages where one option negates the other. A common description is: I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

This leaves the recipient unable to resolve the situation without incurring blame or criticism and an environment where discussing the contradiction itself feels unsafe or off-limits.

For example, a spouse might say, “I want you to be more assertive, but I hate it when you challenge me.” If the partner becomes more assertive, they are criticized for being too challenging. If they remain passive, they’re accused of lacking initiative. Either way, they lose, and the issue remains unresolved.

More Examples of Double Binds in Marriage Conversations

1. “Be Honest, But Don’t Hurt Me”

• The Double Bind: One partner says they value honesty but reacts defensively or with anger when the truth is shared.

• Impact: The other partner feels they must either lie to protect feelings or face conflict for being honest.

2. “I Want You to Spend More Time with Me, But Why Aren’t You Working Harder?”

• The Double Bind: A spouse asks for more quality time but criticizes the other for not contributing enough financially.

• Impact: The partner feels torn between meeting emotional needs and fulfilling practical responsibilities.

3. “Support Me, But Don’t Agree with Everything I Say”

• The Double Bind: One partner seeks validation but accuses the other of being a “yes person” if they agree too readily.

• Impact: The other partner feels they can’t win—disagreement leads to conflict, and agreement leads to dismissal.

4. “Be Yourself, But Don’t Embarrass Me”

• The Double Bind: A partner encourages authenticity but critiques behavior they find embarrassing or unconventional.

• Impact: The other person feels pressured to conform while pretending to be “authentic.”

5. “Make Decisions, But Don’t Overstep”

• The Double Bind: One spouse wants the other to take initiative but criticizes them for making the “wrong” decisions.

• Impact: The partner becomes hesitant to act, fearing judgment regardless of their choice.

6. “Show Me Love, But Don’t Smother Me”

• The Double Bind: A spouse complains about feeling unloved but accuses the other of being overbearing when affection is shown.

• Impact: The other partner struggles to find the “right” amount of affection, leading to confusion and emotional withdrawal.

7. “Help Me, But Don’t Make Me Feel Incompetent”

• The Double Bind: A partner asks for help but feels undermined or criticized when the help is provided.

• Impact: The other partner feels they can’t win—helping leads to accusations of control, while withholding help is seen as neglect.

8. “Talk to Me, But Don’t Nag”

• The Double Bind: One partner asks for more communication but dismisses repeated attempts as nagging.

• Impact: The other partner becomes reluctant to communicate, fearing they will be criticized no matter what.

9. “I Want Intimacy, But Don’t Pressure Me”

• The Double Bind: A spouse expresses a desire for more physical or emotional intimacy but reacts negatively to attempts at closeness.

• Impact: The other partner feels rejected and confused, unsure how to meet their spouse’s needs without crossing boundaries.

10. “I Need Space, But Don’t Ignore Me”

• The Double Bind: One partner says they need alone time but complains of feeling neglected when the other gives them space.

• Impact: The other partner feels trapped, unsure whether to prioritize connection or independence.

Why Double Binds Are So Destructive

1. Erodes Trust:

When one partner feels they are set up to fail, it undermines trust and goodwill in the relationship.

2. Stifles Communication:

Double binds create an unspoken rule that the issue itself is off-limits, preventing resolution.

3. Breeds Resentment:

Over time, the trapped partner may feel resentful, leading to emotional withdrawal or defensiveness.

4. Reinforces Power Struggles:

The lack of clarity often reflects deeper issues of control, fear, or insecurity in the relationship.

Break the Cycle:

Talk About Bind And The Underlying Needs Of Those Involved

1.Acknowledge the Double Bind: The first step is recognizing the contradictory nature of the communication.

2.Create Safety for Honest Dialogue: Partners must feel safe to express their needs, fears, and frustrations without judgment.

3.Clarify Needs and Intentions: Ask open-ended questions to understand the underlying emotions behind the conflicting messages.

4.Focus on Collaboration: Shift from a win-lose dynamic to finding solutions that honor both partners’ needs.

5.Seek Professional Support: Individual and Couples therapy can provide tools to navigate and resolve double binds effectively.

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10 Examples Of Loosening The Grip

Done Badly. Done Well.

Here are 10 examples of addressing double binds in marriage and family situations.

Marriage & Family Double Binds

1. Double Bind: “You never take initiative in planning date nights, but I want to feel cared for.”

•Done Badly: Partner sarcastically responds, “Well, I guess I’m a failure then!”

•Impact: Creates defensiveness, resentment, and avoidance of deeper needs.

•Done Well: “I hear that you want to feel cared for and want me to take initiative. Can we brainstorm together on what you’d like that to look like?”

•Impact: Builds collaboration and clarity, meeting both partners’ needs.

•Quick Recovery: “I reacted poorly earlier. Let me revisit this. I want to make this work for both of us.”

2. Double Bind: “You always need space, but I feel abandoned when you withdraw.”

•Done Badly: Partner defensively says, “I guess I can never win with you!”

•Impact: Escalates conflict and deepens emotional disconnect.

•Done Well: “I see that when I take space, it makes you feel abandoned. Let’s find ways I can reassure you while still meeting my need for space.”

•Impact: Balances autonomy and connection, fostering trust.

•Quick Recovery: “I overreacted earlier. I value your feelings, and I want to address this better.”

3. Double Bind: “I want you to express your emotions, but when you do, it feels overwhelming.”

•Done Badly: Partner shuts down: “Fine, I won’t tell you anything!”

•Impact: Reinforces emotional avoidance and suppresses vulnerability.

•Done Well: “I realize I’ve sent mixed messages. I do want to hear you, but maybe we can work together to manage how we communicate emotions.”

•Impact: Creates emotional safety and clarity.

•Quick Recovery: “I regret dismissing you earlier. Let’s start over with a fresh approach.”

4. Double Bind: “You should stand up to your family, but I don’t want to cause tension.”

•Done Badly: Partner reacts: “So you want me to ruin my relationship with them?”

•Impact: Amplifies fear of conflict, causing inaction.

•Done Well: “It’s tough to balance your family’s needs and ours. Let’s discuss how to address this respectfully.”

•Impact: Encourages mutual understanding and strategic action.

•Quick Recovery: “I didn’t handle that well earlier. Let’s approach it calmly together.”

5. Double Bind: “I want intimacy, but you never make me feel desired.”

•Done Badly: Partner lashes out: “You never make me feel desired either!”

• Impact: Shifts blame, perpetuating distance.

•Done Well: “It sounds like we both want to feel desired. Let’s talk about ways we can prioritize that together.”

•Impact: Opens pathways for mutual affection and reconnection.

•Quick Recovery: “I shouldn’t have snapped. Can we revisit this?”

Family Double Binds

6. Double Bind: “You’re always at work, but we miss having you home.”

•Done Badly: Parent defensively says, “Well, someone has to pay the bills!”

•Impact: Reinforces guilt and erodes family connection.

•Done Well: “I hear that you miss me. Let’s plan a weekly activity to reconnect as a family.”

•Impact: Builds bonds and addresses underlying longing.

•Quick Recovery: “I shouldn’t have dismissed your feelings. Let’s make a plan.”

7. Double Bind: “We want you to succeed in school, but we also want you to be happy.”

•Done Badly: Parent pressures: “You just need to figure it out!”

•Impact: Increases anxiety and alienation.

•Done Well: “We value your success and happiness. Let’s explore ways to balance both and support you.”

•Impact: Fosters open dialogue and reduces stress.

•Quick Recovery: “I was too pushy earlier. Let’s revisit your goals together.”

8. Double Bind: “You should be independent, but we want you to stay close to home.”

•Done Badly: Family guilts: “You’re abandoning us by moving away!”

•Impact: Stifles independence and breeds resentment.

•Done Well: “We’ll miss you, but we’re proud of your independence. Let’s find ways to stay connected.”

•Impact: Encourages autonomy while maintaining family ties.

•Quick Recovery: “I regret making you feel bad earlier. Let’s celebrate your growth.”

9. Double Bind: “We want you to share, but don’t talk back to us.”

•Done Badly: Parent scolds: “You’re being disrespectful!”

•Impact: Silences children, stifling honest communication.

•Done Well: “I want to hear your thoughts, even if we don’t always agree. Let’s find respectful ways to share.”

•Impact: Builds trust and healthy dialogue.

•Quick Recovery: “I overreacted earlier. Let’s try again.”

10. Double Bind: “You should work hard, but don’t neglect your health.”

•Done Badly: Family criticizes: “You’re either lazy or obsessed!”

•Impact: Triggers confusion and burnout.

•Done Well: “Your hard work is appreciated, but let’s talk about how to prioritize your well-being too.”

•Impact: Promotes balance and long-term wellness.

•Quick Recovery: “I shouldn’t have judged earlier. Let’s figure this out together.”

In all cases, the key to quick recovery is owning the misstep and actively inviting collaboration.

Double binds thrive on unspoken conflicts. Identifying them, then addressing them with vulnerability and collaboration creates the opportunity for new ways of seeing the situation that can now include the former hidden needs and conflicts.