10 Examples to Disagree Better: Regulate Emotional Responses

1. Recognizing Emotional Flooding (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A feels overwhelmed but continues arguing, raising their voice. Partner B shuts down in frustration.

• Why: Ignoring emotional flooding prevents either partner from being able to think clearly or resolve the issue.

• Impact: Escalation of conflict, emotional withdrawal, or a cycle of repeated negative interactions.

• Done Well: Partner A recognizes signs of flooding (e.g., increased heart rate) and calls for a 20-minute break to calm down. Partner B agrees and uses the time to self-soothe.

• Why: Pausing the argument allows both partners to return to a calmer state where they can problem-solve effectively.

• Impact: Reduces escalation, improves emotional safety, and models self-regulation.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t realize I was getting overwhelmed. Let me step back and calm down so we can have a better conversation.”

2. Avoiding the Four Horsemen (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A uses criticism: “You never care about my needs.” Partner B responds defensively: “That’s not true! You’re just being dramatic.”

• Why: Criticism and defensiveness reinforce negative cycles of blame and erode trust.

• Impact: Leads to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and disconnection.

• Done Well: Partner A uses a gentle startup: “I feel hurt when I think my needs aren’t being considered. Can we talk about how we handle this?”

• Why: Using “I” statements avoids blame, invites collaboration, and fosters understanding.

• Impact: Promotes connection, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to come across as blaming. I value you, and I want to find a way to work through this together.”

3. Tuning Into Attachment Needs (Sue Johnson – EFT)

• Done Badly: Partner A feels abandoned and lashes out: “You don’t even care about me!” Partner B withdraws, feeling blamed.

• Why: Reacting from a place of attachment insecurity leads to defensive cycles rather than connection.

• Impact: Reinforces feelings of abandonment and disconnection.

• Done Well: Partner A expresses their vulnerability: “I feel alone and scared when we fight like this. I need to feel we’re in this together.”

• Why: Sharing underlying attachment needs fosters emotional connection and repair.

• Impact: Increases trust and emotional intimacy.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for lashing out. What I really meant is that I feel scared when I don’t feel connected to you.”

4. Differentiation (David Schnarch)

• Done Badly: Partner A relies on Partner B to regulate their emotions, saying, “If you don’t fix this, I can’t handle it.”

• Why: Enmeshment undermines each partner’s emotional autonomy and creates dependency.

• Impact: Leads to resentment and loss of respect.

• Done Well: Partner A manages their emotional response, saying, “This is hard for me, but I’ll work through it. Let’s talk about how we can both feel better.”

• Why: Differentiation fosters self-soothing and promotes mutual support without over-reliance.

• Impact: Builds mutual respect, independence, and resilience.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I was putting too much on you to fix this for me. Let me take a step back and manage my emotions better.”

5. Staying in the Present Moment (Mindfulness)

• Done Badly: Partner A brings up past grievances: “You always do this—just like last time!”

• Why: Focusing on past conflicts distracts from resolving the current issue and adds unnecessary emotional weight.

• Impact: Prolongs the argument and erodes trust.

• Done Well: Partner A focuses on the present: “Right now, I’m feeling hurt because of what was just said. Let’s talk about this moment.”

• Why: Staying present reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation productive.

• Impact: Encourages resolution and prevents emotional overload.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for bringing up the past—I want to focus on what’s happening right now and work on this together.”

6. Regulating Fight-or-Flight Responses (Stan Tatkin)

• Done Badly: Partner A yells, and Partner B storms out of the room without explanation.

• Why: Reactive behaviors intensify the fight-or-flight response, escalating conflict.

• Impact: Reinforces disconnection and unresolved issues.

• Done Well: Partner A notices their tension and takes a deep breath before responding calmly: “I need a moment to calm down so I can really hear you.”

• Why: Regulating physiological responses reduces reactivity and invites connection.

• Impact: Creates safety and promotes a collaborative approach.

Quick Repair:

“I reacted too quickly. Let me calm myself down so I can hear you properly.”

7. Navigating Triangulation (Murry Bowen)

• Done Badly: Partner A complains to a friend or family member about Partner B instead of addressing the issue directly.

• Why: Triangulation avoids direct communication and undermines trust in the relationship.

• Impact: Increases feelings of betrayal and perpetuates unresolved issues.

• Done Well: Partner A directly addresses their concerns with Partner B: “I’ve been feeling distant, and I want to work on that with you.”

• Why: Open, direct communication strengthens the couple’s bond and fosters resolution.

• Impact: Builds trust and emotional closeness.

Quick Repair:

“I made a mistake talking to someone else about this. I should have come to you directly because this matters to me.”

8. Using Repair Attempts (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A mocks Partner B’s perspective during a fight.

• Why: Disregarding repair attempts (e.g., humor or bids for connection) increases hostility.

• Impact: Escalates the conflict and damages emotional safety.

• Done Well: Partner A says, “I don’t want this to spiral—let’s take a breath and start over.” Partner B responds with openness.

• Why: Effective repair attempts de-escalate tension and refocus the conversation.

• Impact: Strengthens connection and reduces conflict intensity.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for dismissing your perspective. I want to pause and reconnect so we can figure this out together.”

9. Empathy and Perspective-Taking (Ellyn Bader)

• Done Badly: Partner A dismisses Partner B’s feelings: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

• Why: Dismissing emotions invalidates your partner’s experience and causes disconnection.

• Impact: Creates emotional distance and resentment.

• Done Well: Partner A reflects back: “It sounds like you’re really upset. I want to understand why this matters so much to you.”

• Why: Empathy fosters validation, emotional safety, and understanding.

• Impact: Enhances connection and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have dismissed your feelings. I want to understand why this is so important to you.”

10. Self-Soothing and Co-Regulation (Sue Johnson and Stan Tatkin)

• Done Badly: Partner A escalates their anger, saying, “You’re impossible to talk to!” Partner B mirrors the frustration, shouting back.

• Why: Escalation creates a toxic feedback loop of heightened emotions.

• Impact: Leads to unresolved issues and emotional exhaustion.

• Done Well: Partner A notices their frustration and pauses, saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed—I want to talk about this calmly.” Partner B responds with understanding.

• Why: Self-soothing and co-regulation de-escalate conflict and maintain emotional safety.

• Impact: Builds trust and the ability to navigate disagreements together.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have let my frustration take over. Let’s pause and come back to this when we’re both calmer.”

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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California