ASK YOURSELF PENETRATING QUESTIONS

Your Self-awareness and Emotional Regulation

1. Ellyn Bader:

   • Am I managing my emotional reactivity to stay engaged without becoming defensive or withdrawing?

   • How can I better balance my individuality and connection during this conversation?

2. David Schnarch:

   • Am I willing to tolerate discomfort and self-reflect rather than blame or avoid responsibility?

   • How do I stay present and emotionally grounded, even when the conversation challenges me deeply?

3. Sue Johnson:

   • Am I recognizing and regulating my emotional triggers to foster safety and trust in this interaction?

   • How can I create an emotionally safe space for my partner or family members to express their vulnerabilities?

4. John and Julie Gottman:

   • Am I using repair attempts (e.g., humor, a gentle touch, or acknowledgment) to de-escalate tension?

   • How effectively am I self-soothing so I can listen empathetically rather than focusing on counterarguments?

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ASK YOURSELF PENETRATING QUESTIONS ABOUT

Your Empathy and Connection

1. Ellyn Bader:

   • Am I truly listening to their perspective without letting my assumptions dominate the narrative?

   • How can I honor our differences while staying emotionally connected?

2. David Schnarch:

   • Am I respecting my partner or family member’s boundaries and individuality, even when I disagree?

   • How do I express my emotions honestly without making the other person responsible for them?

3. Sue Johnson:

   • Am I tuning in to the emotional needs behind their words and behavior?

   • How do I show them they matter to me, even when we’re not aligned on an issue?

4. John and Julie Gottman:

   • Am I fostering a sense of “we” by showing appreciation, respect, and curiosity, even when we disagree?

   • How often do I validate their emotions rather than dismissing or minimizing their concerns?

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ASK YOURSELF PENETRATING QUESTIONS ABOUT

Your Communication and Intention

Ellyn Bader:

1. Am I framing my thoughts in a way that focuses on what I feel and need (“I” statements) rather than blaming?

   • How can I intend to approach this conversation with kindness and collaboration?

• Am I expressing myself authentically, even when it’s hard, rather than seeking approval or avoiding conflict?

• How do I balance vulnerability with emotional strength in this interaction?

Sue Johnson:

• Am I keeping the conversation focused on connection and understanding rather than letting it spiral into blame?

• How can I use this moment to strengthen our bond instead of letting it create emotional distance?

  John and Julie Gottman:

• Am I avoiding contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, or criticism in my words and tone?

• How can I practice gentle start-ups to keep the discussion constructive and emotionally safe?

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ASK YOURSELF PENETRATING QUESTIONS ABOUT

Your Growth and Repair

Ellyn Bader:

• Am I willing to take responsibility for my part in this issue, even if it feels uncomfortable?

• How can I encourage growth and repair in our relationship through this conversation?

David Schnarch:

• How can I use this conversation as an opportunity to grow as an individual and within this relationship?

• Am I willing to stand firm on my values without invalidating theirs?

  Sue Johnson:

• How do I repair emotional injuries from past conversations to build a stronger foundation of trust?

• What can I say or do to reassure them that I am here for them, even during conflict?

John and Julie Gottman:

• Am I recognizing and responding to their bids for connection, even amid disagreement?

• How can I celebrate small wins during this discussion to reinforce positivity and connection?

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ASK YOURSELF PENETRATING QUESTIONS ABOUT

Your Vision for the Relationship

Ellyn Bader:

• How can I create space for us to evolve individually while nurturing our connection?

• What practices can I adopt to support differentiation while maintaining emotional intimacy?

David Schnarch:

• Am I willing to lean into the discomfort of tough conversations to create a more authentic relationship?

• How can I redefine intimacy as being fully present with each other, even when it’s hard?

Sue Johnson:

• Am I focusing on our emotional bond and using this conversation to strengthen our attachment?

• How can I communicate that they are my priority, even if we don’t agree on everything?

John and Julie Gottman:

• How can I make this conversation a moment to nurture trust, commitment, and shared meaning in our relationship?

• What long-term habits can I build to ensure that our communication remains a source of connection, not conflict?

The key to talking about difficult things with a spouse or family member is practicing skills that include individuality and emotional connection. The field of psychology calls this Differentiation. Here are suggestions of best practices from the research on Inidividuality and Connection in difficult conversations:

1. Practice Self-Regulation to Avoid Reactivity

• Suggestion: Each partner should take responsibility for managing their emotional reactivity. This means staying aware of personal triggers and using calming techniques (like deep breathing or pausing) to avoid escalating the conflict.

• Purpose: Self-regulation allows each person to engage thoughtfully, listen actively, and respond instead of react. By doing this, partners stay emotionally available and reduce the likelihood of saying something hurtful.

FOR EXAMPLE

Done Badly:
Partner A: "You never listen to me! You’re always so selfish!"
Partner B: "Well, you’re the one who started this, so don’t blame me!"
Why: Both partners are reactive and escalate the conflict, leading to defensiveness.
Impact: Emotional safety is destroyed, and the conversation spirals into a fight.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: "I feel really frustrated right now. Can we take a moment and talk about this calmly?"
   Partner B: "I’m frustrated too, but I’m willing to hear you out."
   Why: Partner A identifies their feelings without blaming, and Partner B stays open.
   Impact: Both partners regulate their emotions, creating space for a constructive conversation.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner A: "I’m sorry for snapping earlier. I was overwhelmed, and I didn’t mean to lash out."
   Partner B: "I get it. Let’s try again calmly."
   Why: Acknowledging the reactive behavior rebuilds safety.
   Impact: A smoother reset and renewed willingness to engage.

   
   ——-

2. Use “I” Statements to Promote Ownership and Clarity

• Suggestion: Encourage partners to speak from their perspective using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” or “I need time to process this because…”). Avoid blaming or accusing language, which can escalate defensiveness.

• Purpose: Speaking in this way fosters emotional safety and helps each partner stay connected while maintaining their individuality. It also makes it easier for the other partner to empathize without feeling attacked.

FOR EXAMPLE

• Done Badly:
  Partner A: "You’re always late and don’t care about my time!"
  Why: Partner A uses accusatory language, triggering defensiveness.
  Impact: Partner B feels attacked and becomes less likely to engage.

• Done Well:
  Partner A: "I feel unimportant when you’re late because I value our time together."
  Why: Partner A expresses their feelings without assigning blame.
  Impact: Partner B feels less defensive and more motivated to address the issue.

• Quick Repair:
  Partner A: "I shouldn’t have blamed you earlier. What I really meant is that it hurts when I feel like our time isn’t valued."
  Partner B: "Thanks for saying that—I’ll work on being on time."
  Why: Owning the mistake and restating the issue diffuses tension.
  Impact: The repair opens space for understanding.

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3. Reflect What You Hear

• Suggestion: Practice reflective listening by summarizing or paraphrasing what the other person says before responding. For example, “I’m hearing that you feel unsupported when I work late.”

• Purpose: This validates the partner’s perspective, reduces misunderstandings, and ensures both feel heard.

FOR EXAMPLE

Done Badly:
Partner A: "You never support me at work!"
Partner B: "That’s not true! I’m always supporting you—what about last week?"
Why: Partner B invalidates instead of reflecting.
Impact: Partner A feels dismissed, and the conversation derails.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: "You never support me at work!"
   Partner B: "You feel unsupported at work—can you tell me more about what you mean?"
   Why: Partner B reflects and invites clarification, showing curiosity.
   Impact: Partner A feels heard and clarifies their feelings.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner B: "I got defensive earlier. Can I try again? I want to understand why you feel unsupported."
   Why: Admitting defensiveness restores trust.
   Impact: Partner A feels valued and re-engages.

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4. Acknowledge and Respect Differences

• Suggestion: Recognize that it’s okay to see things differently. Acknowledge the difference without trying to "win" or convince the other person to change their perspective.

• Purpose: This supports the principle of differentiation, fostering mutual respect while maintaining emotional connection.

FOR EXAMPLE
Done Badly:
Partner A: "I can’t believe you think that way! That’s ridiculous!"
Why: Dismissal of differences invalidates Partner B’s perspective.
Impact: Partner B feels disrespected and withdraws.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: "I see this differently, but I understand how you came to that conclusion."
   Why: Partner A acknowledges the difference respectfully.
   Impact: Partner B feels validated, enabling constructive dialogue.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner A: "I shouldn’t have dismissed your perspective earlier. Can we revisit this?"
   Why: Reframing as an opportunity to learn restores safety.
   Impact: Mutual respect is rebuilt.

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5. Set a Clear Intention for the Discussion

• Suggestion: Before starting, agree on the goal of the conversation. For example, “Let’s talk about how we can both feel supported rather than focusing on blame.”

• Purpose: A shared intention keeps the conversation constructive and emotionally safe.

FOR EXAMPLE
Done Badly:
Partner A: "We need to talk about everything wrong in this relationship right now!"
Why: An undefined agenda overwhelms the conversation.
Impact: Both partners feel attacked and defensive.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: "Let’s focus on how we can better divide household chores."
   Why: A clear and narrow focus keeps the discussion manageable.
   Impact: Partners are more likely to find solutions.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner A: "I realize I brought up too many things earlier. Can we start with one issue?"
   Why: Resetting the agenda creates clarity.
   Impact: The conversation becomes more focused and productive.

6. Use a Time-Out When Needed

• Suggestion: If emotions escalate, take a short break to calm down and reflect. Agree to return to the discussion at a set time.

• Purpose: This prevents emotional flooding and ensures that both partners can engage from a calmer, more thoughtful place.

FOR EXAMPLE
Done Badly:
Partner A: "Why would you even do that? What were you thinking?"
Why: The tone feels accusatory and condescending.
Impact: Partner B becomes defensive or shuts down.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: "Can you help me understand why you chose that? I want to see your perspective."
   Why: Partner A expresses curiosity without judgment.
   Impact: Partner B feels safe to explain their reasoning.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner A: "I’m sorry—I came across as judgmental earlier. I do want to understand."
   Why: Acknowledging the misstep restores openness.
   Impact: The dialogue resumes with greater trust.

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7. Stay Curious, Not Judgmental

• Suggestion: Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?” rather than making assumptions or judgments.

• Purpose: Curiosity fosters empathy and helps uncover deeper emotional needs behind the conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE
Done Badly:
Partner A: (Crosses arms, avoids eye contact, and sighs loudly.)
Why: Negative body language signals disengagement.
Impact: Partner B feels dismissed or unimportant.

1. Done Well:
   Partner A: (Maintains soft eye contact, nods, and leans slightly forward.)
   Why: Positive nonverbal cues reinforce emotional presence.
   Impact: Partner B feels supported and connected.

2. Quick Repair:
   Partner A: "I realize I’ve been closed off. Let me try to be more present."
   Why: Acknowledging disengagement invites reconnection.
   Impact: Partner B feels re-engaged.8. Maintain a Nonverbal Connection

• Suggestion: Use soft eye contact, open body language, or a reassuring touch (if welcomed) to communicate connection, even when the conversation is tough.

• Purpose: Nonverbal cues help partners feel emotionally supported and reduce feelings of distance or threat.

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9. Focus on the Present Issue

• Suggestion: Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated topics during the conversation. Stay focused on the specific issue at hand.

• Purpose: This reduces the feeling of being overwhelmed and keeps the conversation manageable, making resolution more likely.

  
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10. Be Willing to Accept Repair Attempts

• Suggestion: Recognize and accept small gestures from your partner that aim to de-escalate the conflict, such as humor, a light touch, or a smile.

• Purpose: Repair attempts are critical for maintaining emotional connection and preventing the conversation from spiraling.

FOR EXAMPLE

Done Badly

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I’m really sorry for raising my voice earlier."
  Partner B: "Whatever, it doesn’t matter. You always do this."

• Why: Partner B dismisses Partner A’s repair attempt, prolonging the conflict.

• Impact: Partner A feels disheartened, and the emotional connection erodes further.

Done Well

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I’m really sorry for raising my voice earlier."
  Partner B: "Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it, and I’d like to keep talking calmly."

• Why: Partner B accepts the repair attempt, diffusing tension and fostering connection.

• Impact: Both partners feel reassured and motivated to continue the conversation constructively.

Quick Repair

• Conversation:
  Partner B: "I brushed off your apology earlier, and I shouldn’t have. Thank you for trying to make things right."

• Why: Partner B recognizes and appreciates the earlier repair attempt.

• Impact: The repair restores emotional connection and trust.

  
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11. Take Responsibility for Your Part

• Suggestion: Own your contribution to the conflict. For example, “I realize I could have communicated my feelings earlier, and I’m sorry for that.”

• Purpose: This demonstrates accountability, reduces defensiveness, and models vulnerability, encouraging connection.

FOR EXAMPLE

Done Badly

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I didn’t mean to upset you, but you’re the one who always makes such a big deal out of everything."

• Why: Partner A avoids taking true responsibility by deflecting blame.

• Impact: Partner B feels invalidated and defensive, making resolution harder.

Done Well

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I realize I forgot to tell you about the change in plans. That must have been frustrating for you, and I’m sorry for that."
  Partner B: "Thanks for acknowledging that—it did feel frustrating."

• Why: Partner A owns their contribution without excuses or defensiveness.

• Impact: Partner B feels validated and is more likely to engage positively.

Quick Repair

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I didn’t take full responsibility earlier. Let me try again—I should have communicated better, and I apologize for that."

• Why: Partner A acknowledges their mistake and revisits the issue with sincerity.

• Impact: This repair rebuilds trust and facilitates resolution.

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12. End on a Positive Note

• Suggestion: Conclude the conversation by expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts or highlighting a shared goal, such as, “I appreciate you staying with me through this. I know it wasn’t easy.”

• Purpose: Ending on a positive note reinforces connection and leaves both partners feeling valued.

FOR EXAMPLE

Done Badly

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "Well, I guess that’s it. Whatever, I’m done talking about this."
  Why: Partner A ends the conversation abruptly and dismissively.
  Impact: Both partners are left feeling unresolved and disconnected.

Done Well

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I appreciate you staying with me through this conversation. It wasn’t easy, but it means a lot to me that we talked it through."
  Partner B: "Thank you for saying that. I feel better about where we’re at now."
  Why: Partner A expresses gratitude and acknowledges the effort put into the conversation.
  Impact: Both partners leave feeling valued and connected, even after a challenging discussion.

Quick Repair

• Conversation:
  Partner A: "I ended the conversation too abruptly earlier. I just want to say I appreciate you sticking with it, and I’m glad we talked."
  Why: Partner A revisits the ending to reinforce positivity and connection.
  Impact: This repair helps both partners feel seen and appreciated, strengthening their bond.

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