Understanding Absolute Language in Conflict

When someone says something like "Never. Ever." during a heated conflict, they are often not speaking literally. Instead, they are expressing deep frustration, hurt, or fear. Absolute language tends to emerge when emotions are high, and a person feels unheard, overwhelmed, or desperate to make their point. This type of language can feel rigid and final, but it’s often more about their feelings' intensity than their words' factual accuracy.

People use absolute language for several reasons. First, it may stem from a need for clarity or control in a chaotic situation. Saying "never" or "always" creates a sense of certainty, even if it’s inaccurate. Second, absolutes can reflect the person’s perception at the moment. When someone says, "You never listen to me," they’re likely expressing a pattern they’ve noticed or a recent series of events that made them feel ignored. Lastly, absolute statements are often a call for attention. They signal that the person feels deeply unheard or invalidated.

Understanding the emotional weight behind these statements is key to addressing them effectively. If we respond defensively, we risk escalating the conflict and missing the underlying message. Instead, listening with compassion and curiosity can help uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface. This aligns with the teachings of Ellyn Bader and John Gottman, who emphasize validating emotions and staying curious about a partner’s experience in moments of conflict.

For example, when someone says, "You never help around the house," they may highlight an unmet need for support or partnership. Responding with, "That’s not true; I took out the trash yesterday," might feel logical, but it misses the emotional context. Instead, a compassionate response like, "It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about how I can help more?" acknowledges their feelings and invites connection.

Absolute language can also reflect underlying fears or insecurities. When a partner says, "I will never trust you again," they may express how deeply hurt they feel. While the word “never” might not hold true over time, the pain behind it is real. Addressing the hurt rather than debating the statement can help rebuild trust and understanding.

Bessel van der Kolk’s research on trauma reminds us that emotional intensity often arises from past wounds. For some, absolute statements may be linked to earlier experiences where their needs were unmet or dismissed. Recognizing this allows us to approach the conversation with empathy rather than judgment. For instance, hearing, "You always leave me out," might reflect feelings of abandonment that go beyond the immediate issue.

Karen Horney’s work on neurotic needs also provides insight. Absolute language might reflect a desperate attempt to meet a core need, such as safety, connection, or validation. By focusing on these underlying needs, we can respond in ways that address the root cause of the conflict rather than getting stuck in surface-level arguments.

Listening with compassion requires patience and a willingness to look beyond the words. This means resisting the urge to counter with logic or defend ourselves. Instead, we can validate the other person’s feelings and ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective. For example, "You always embarrass me in public" could be met with, "I’m sorry I had that impact on you. Can you share more about what happened?"

Compassionate listening also includes taking responsibility when appropriate. If the absolute statement reflects a valid concern, acknowledging our role in the issue can go a long way. For instance, if someone says, "You never make time for me," responding with, "I’ve been caught up in work, and I’m sorry for not prioritizing us. Let’s figure out how to change that," demonstrates accountability and care.

Finally, quick repair responses are vital when dealing with absolute language. Communication mistakes are inevitable, but repairing them swiftly can prevent further damage. Phrases like, "I’m sorry for dismissing how you feel" or "Can we try that conversation again? I want to understand better" show a commitment to the relationship and a willingness to learn.

10 Examples of Listening with Compassion To Emotional Absolutes When In Conflict

1. Absolute Statement: "You never listen to me."

   • Response: "What’s most important for me to understand right now?"

2. Absolute Statement: "You always ruin everything."

   • Response: "What’s making you feel this upset?"

3. Absolute Statement: "I’ll never trust you again."

   • Response: "I know I hurt you and want to work on rebuilding trust with you."

4. Absolute Statement: "You’re always late."

   • Response: "I can see how my being late has upset you. Let’s talk about how I can do better."

5. Absolute Statement: "You never help me."

   • Response: "It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed. How can I support you right now?"

6. Absolute Statement: "You always take their side."

   • Response: "I do want to be more supportive. Can you help me understand what you need from me?"

7. Absolute Statement: "You never care about my feelings."

   • Response: "I’m sorry. Can you tell me what’s been on your mind?"

8. Absolute Statement: "I’ll always be second to your work."

   • Response: "It sounds like I need to balance things better. Is this a good time to talk about that? "

9. Absolute Statement: "You never think about anyone but yourself."

   • Response: "What am I missing that you need? What can I do differently to show you I care?"

10. Absolute Statement: "You’ll always find a way to hurt me."

    • Response: "I’m sorry. What’s making you feel so hurt."

By approaching absolute statements with curiosity and compassion, we can transform conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This approach fosters trust, healing, and stronger relationships over time.