Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—as the most destructive patterns of communication in relationships. The good news is that each of these has an antidote, and with awareness and practice, couples can replace harmful interactions with alternatives that build connection.

Below, we’ll explore real examples of how these patterns appear in marriage, followed by healthier ways to express the same thoughts without damaging the relationship. Lastly, we’ll discuss how to repair quickly when you do slip into one of the Four Horsemen.

1. Criticism vs. Gentle Startups

Criticism attacks a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific issue. Instead, use a gentle start-up, which expresses feelings and needs without blame.

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Criticism Example 1

"You never listen to me! You only care about yourself."

Without Criticism (Gentle Startup)

"I feel unheard when I talk and don’t get a response. Can we set aside time to talk?"

Quick Repair If Criticism Happens

• Take responsibility. "That came out harsher than I meant. What I really want is for us to connect."

• Soften the delivery. "I don’t think you don’t care. I just really need to feel listened to."

• Invite connection. "Let’s try again. I’d love for us to talk without feeling frustrated."

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Criticism Example 2

"Why can’t you just be more responsible? You’re always so lazy."

Without Criticism (Gentle Startup)

"I’m feeling overwhelmed with chores. Can we come up with a plan together?"

Quick Repair If Criticism Happens

• Acknowledge your words. "I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just feeling stressed."

• Clarify your needs. "I really need help, and I don’t want to sound attacking."

• Reassure your partner. "I know you do a lot—I just need to figure out how we can divide things better."

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Criticism Example 3

"You never help with the kids. I have to do everything around here!"

Without Criticism (Gentle Startup)

"I really need help with the kids in the evenings. Would you be open to handling bedtime tonight?"

Quick Repair If Criticism Happens

• Step back. "That sounded more blaming than I intended. Let me try again."

• Express appreciation. "I know you do a lot—I just need more support right now."

• Reframe positively. "Could we figure out a way to make evenings less exhausting together?"

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Criticism Example 4

"You’re so inconsiderate. You didn’t even text me when you were running late."

Without Criticism (Gentle Startup)

"I was worried when you were late. Could you let me know next time?"

Quick Repair If Criticism Happens

• Acknowledge feelings. "I sounded upset because I was worried. I didn’t mean to attack you."

• Shift to connection. "I just want to feel considered when things change unexpectedly."

• Invite a response. "What would help us both feel better about this next time?"

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Criticism Example 5

"You’re just like your father—completely unreliable!"

Without Criticism (Gentle Startup)

"I’d love for us to be more organized with our schedules. Can we brainstorm a plan together?"

Quick Repair If Criticism Happens

• Take ownership. "That was unfair of me. I shouldn’t have compared you to someone else."

• Clarify intention. "I want to work on this together, not put you down."

• Open up dialogue. "Can we start fresh and figure out what would work best for both of us?"

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2. Contempt vs. Appreciation & Respect

Contempt involves mockery, sarcasm, and moral superiority. The antidote is showing appreciation and respect.

Contempt Example 6

"Oh wow, you managed to take out the trash—should I throw you a parade?" (Sarcasm)

Without Contempt (Appreciation & Respect)

"Thank you for taking out the trash. It really helps keep things running smoothly."

Quick Repair If Contempt Happens

• Admit wrongdoing. "That was sarcastic, and I don’t want to communicate like that."

• Apologize sincerely. "I really do appreciate when you help, and I should have said that instead."

• Reframe the moment. "Let’s start over—I want to recognize the things you do, not make fun of them."

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Contempt Example 7

"You’re pathetic. I can’t believe I married someone this clueless."

Without Contempt (Appreciation & Respect)

"I know we have different approaches, but I respect how much you care."

Quick Repair If Contempt Happens

• Own the insult. "That was hurtful. I’m sorry for speaking to you that way."

• Replace criticism with appreciation. "I actually do see your efforts—I got frustrated and lashed out."

• Shift to teamwork. "Let’s find a way to work through this without attacking each other."

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3. Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility

Defensiveness happens when a partner rejects responsibility, makes excuses, or shifts blame instead of addressing concerns. The antidote is taking responsibility, which fosters openness and problem-solving.

Defensiveness Example 8

"I didn’t forget your birthday on purpose! Why are you making such a big deal out of it?"

Without Defensiveness (Taking Responsibility)

"I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday. That was hurtful, and I want to make it up to you."

Quick Repair If Defensiveness Happens

• Own your reaction. "I got defensive because I felt bad, but that’s no excuse."

• Validate your partner. "You’re right to be upset. Your birthday matters, and I messed up."

• Reassure them. "I’ll be more mindful in the future. Let’s plan something to celebrate now."

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Defensiveness Example 9

"It’s not my fault we’re late—you’re the one who took forever to get ready!"

Without Defensiveness (Taking Responsibility)

"I could have managed my time better too. Next time, let’s plan to leave earlier."

Quick Repair If Defensiveness Happens

• Step back. "I just blamed you instead of working on this together. I’m sorry."

• Take shared responsibility. "We both could have planned better. Let’s find a way to improve next time."

• Move forward. "Let’s focus on having a good time now instead of arguing about it."

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Defensiveness Example 10

"I only yelled because you were nagging me!"

Without Defensiveness (Taking Responsibility)

"I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I want to work on responding more calmly."

Quick Repair If Defensiveness Happens

• Admit your reaction. "I was wrong to yell. You don’t deserve that."

• Reframe the discussion. "I want us to communicate without raising our voices."

• Find a better approach. "Let’s take a break when we get frustrated and talk when we’re calm."

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Defensiveness Example 11

"I do plenty around the house! You just don’t notice it."

Without Defensiveness (Taking Responsibility)

"I see you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let’s talk about how I can be more helpful."

Quick Repair If Defensiveness Happens

• Acknowledge their feelings. "I got defensive because I felt unappreciated, but I hear you."

• Shift to problem-solving. "How can we make sure we’re both feeling supported?"

• Show appreciation. "I know you do a lot too, and I don’t want you to feel alone in this."

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Defensiveness Example 12

"I wouldn’t have said that if you weren’t always in such a bad mood!"

Without Defensiveness (Taking Responsibility)

"I regret saying that. I was frustrated, but I don’t want to speak to you that way."

Quick Repair If Defensiveness Happens

• Apologize immediately. "That wasn’t fair. I don’t want to blame you for my words."

• Reaffirm respect. "I care about how we talk to each other, even when we’re upset."

• Work toward resolution. "Let’s reset and talk about what’s really bothering us."

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4. Stonewalling vs. Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or refuses to engage. This is usually a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed (flooding). The antidote is physiological self-soothing, which involves taking a break and calming down before re-engaging.

Stonewalling Example 13

(Staring at the phone and ignoring a partner during an argument.)

Without Stonewalling (Self-Soothing & Communication)

"I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a few minutes to calm down before we continue."

Quick Repair If Stonewalling Happens

• Acknowledge your withdrawal. "I shut down, and I know that felt dismissive."

• Explain why. "I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know how to respond."

• Reengage. "I want to talk now. I care about resolving this together."

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Stonewalling Example 14

(Walking away mid-conversation without saying anything.)

Without Stonewalling (Self-Soothing & Communication)

"I don’t want to ignore you, but I need a moment to collect my thoughts."

Quick Repair If Stonewalling Happens

• Apologize for withdrawing. "I walked away without explaining, and that wasn’t fair."

• Clarify your intention. "I needed space, but I should have said that instead of leaving."

• Offer reassurance. "I’m ready to talk now. Let’s work through this together."

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Stonewalling Example 15

(Giving the silent treatment for hours or days.)

Without Stonewalling (Self-Soothing & Communication)

"I need some time to cool down, but I want to come back and talk when I’m ready."

Quick Repair If Stonewalling Happens

• Own the behavior. "I shut down instead of talking through it, and I regret that."

• Offer reassurance. "I want to communicate better, and I’ll work on not withdrawing."

• Rebuild connection. "Can we talk now? I want to understand what you need."

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Stonewalling Example 14

(Turning up the TV louder while your partner is trying to talk.)

Without Stonewalling (Self-Soothing & Communication)

"I want to have this conversation, but I need to take a short break first."

Quick Repair If Stonewalling Happens

• Acknowledge your action. "I tuned you out, and that wasn’t okay."

• Explain why. "I was feeling overwhelmed, but I should have said that instead."

• Engage again. "Let’s try again. I want to hear you out."

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Stonewalling Example 15

"Whatever." (Refusing to engage further.)

Without Stonewalling (Self-Soothing & Communication)

"I care about this conversation. I just need a moment to settle my emotions before we continue."

Quick Repair If Stonewalling Happens

• Apologize for shutting down. "I dismissed you with ‘whatever,’ which wasn’t right."

• Reaffirm your commitment. "I don’t want to ignore this issue—I want us to work through it."

• Offer to try again. "Let’s start over so we can really hear each other out."

THEREFORE

The Four Horsemen don’t have to destroy a relationship—as long as couples learn to repair quickly. By replacing destructive patterns with gentle startups, appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing, partners can build trust, connection, and resilience.

When you recognize one of the Four Horsemen in your relationship, don’t panic. Instead, pause, reflect, and repair—small changes make a big difference in keeping love strong.