The vital difference between sympathy and empathy

Sympathy is more about understanding and acknowledging someone else’s hardship, while empathy involves truly feeling and connecting with their emotional experience; it goes deeper and is emotionally engaged without projecting your emotions onto the other.

Here are a few examples to guide conversations toward genuine, empathetic responses to partner’s expressions of emotional pain:

1. Acknowledging Their Pain

• Sympathy: "I know you’re hurt, and I feel terrible for causing you pain."
  (You  acknowledge their  feelings but keep your focus on your regret.)

• Empathy: "I can see how much this has shattered your trust and made you question everything. It must feel unbearable to face this daily because of what I did."
  (Recognizes the depth of their emotional experience and validates their struggle.)

2. Understanding Their Distrust

• Sympathy: "I know you can’t trust me right now, and I understand why."
  (Acknowledges the lack of trust but doesn’t explore it further.)

• Empathy: "I understand why it’s impossible to trust me. I betrayed your faith in me, and that must make you question everything we’ve built together. It’s terrifying to imagine how I’ve left you feeling so unsafe."
  (You try to step into their perspective and deeply feel their mistrust.)

3. Responding to Their Anger

• Sympathy: "I’m sorry for making you this angry. You don’t deserve this."
  (Apologizes but doesn’t fully engage with their emotional state.)

• Empathy: "I hear your anger; you have every right to feel it. I can’t imagine the frustration and betrayal behind your words, but I want to keep listening because you need to be heard."
  (Validates their anger and conveys a willingness to stay emotionally present.)

4. Acknowledging the Ongoing Pain

• Sympathy: "I hate seeing you in so much pain. I wish I could take it all back."
  (Expresses regret but shifts focus to his feelings.)

• Empathy: "Your pain is so deep, and I can see how it affects you daily. I’ve caused a wound that keeps reopening, and it must feel like there’s no escape from it."
  (Acknowledges their ongoing suffering without centering yourself)

5. Rebuilding Connection

• Sympathy: "I hope we can move past this someday, and I’ll keep trying to improve things."
  (Expresses a desire for resolution but doesn’t directly engage their feelings.)

• Empathy: "I know it feels impossible to imagine rebuilding anything right now, and I don’t expect you to forgive me anytime soon. I want to sit with your pain and understand it because that’s the least I owe you for what I’ve done."
  (Prioritizes understanding their feelings over seeking quick resolution.)

Key Differences Between Sympathy and Empathy:

• Sympathy acknowledges their pain and regret for causing it but often shifts focus to your feelings of guilt or hope for resolution.

• Empathy delves into their emotional reality, demonstrating a genuine attempt to see, feel, and validate their experience without centering on your feelings or rushing their healing process.

• One of the significant challenges with empathy is assuming if you feel a certain way, your partner does. Another error is assuming you know what your partner is feeling. Instead, healthy empathy connects you emotionally and puts you in a different mindset by“putting yourself in their shoes. ” This does tell you what they are feeling; this makes you more OPEN TO THEIR EMOTIONS and seeing, understanding, hearing, and being present to HOW THEY ARE FEELING. This provides a better chance of them feeling listened to and cared for.

• To rebuild TRUST, empathy is essential.

WHAT NOT TO SAY OR DO!

When responding empathetically to a spouse you have betrayed through infidelity, there are critical things to avoid to prevent further harm and to begin rebuilding trust both in yourself and with your partner. Here are some things NOT to do:

1. Don’t dismiss or minimize their pain

• Example:
  “It was just one mistake; you’re overreacting.”

• This invalidates their feelings and may deepen the hurt. Could you acknowledge the gravity of your actions instead?

2. Don’t make it about yourself

• Example:
  “I feel so guilty, I don’t know how I’ll forgive myself.”

• Shifting the focus to your guilt can make your spouse feel like their pain is secondary to your emotions.

3. Don’t offer justifications

• Example:
  “I wouldn’t have done it if you had paid more attention to me.”

• Justifying your behavior shifts blame to your spouse, which can escalate anger and undermine accountability.

4. Don’t rush their healing process

• Example:
  “Why can’t you move past this already?”

• Healing from betrayal takes time. Pressuring them to "get over it" invalidates their timeline for processing emotions.

5. Don’t avoid the hard conversations

• Example:
  “Let’s not keep talking about this—it’s in the past.”

• Avoidance can signal a lack of willingness to take responsibility or address the damage caused.

6. Don’t give vague or evasive answers

• Example:
  “I don’t remember why I did it.”

• Failing to provide clarity can worsen mistrust. Be honest and transparent without being defensive.

7. Don’t blame external factors

• Example:
  “I was drunk” or “Work stress pushed me over the edge.”

• While external factors may have contributed, they do not excuse the betrayal. Own your actions fully.

8. Don’t invalidate their need for details

• Example:
  “Knowing the specifics won’t help you.”

• Your spouse may need answers to rebuild trust and understand the situation. Denying them this can add to the pain.

9. Don’t compare their reaction to others

• Example:
  “Other people would have handled this differently.”

• Comparing your spouse’s reaction to someone else’s is dismissive and can make them feel unsupported.

10. Don’t expect forgiveness or trust immediately

• Example:
  “I said I’m sorry; what more do you want?”

• Rebuilding trust takes consistent effort over time. Expecting immediate forgiveness shows a lack of understanding of their emotional depth.

MORE SUGGESTIONS TO KEEP EMPATHETIC RESPONSES HEALTHY:

This also supports trust in any relationship in which your actions or inaction have caused emotional harm.

Rebuilding essential trust requires consistent effort, deep empathy, and a willingness to face the emotional consequences of your actions.

1. Acknowledge their pain openly

• Example:
  “I see how much pain I’ve caused you, and I’m deeply sorry for betraying your trust.”

• Acknowledge the hurt without minimizing it or making excuses.

2. Take full responsibility

• Example:
  “This was entirely my fault. There is no excuse for what I did.”

• Fully owning your actions without blaming others shows accountability and respect for their experience.

3. Validate their feelings

• Example:
  “You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. I understand that I deeply hurt you.”

• Let them know their emotions are valid and expected.

4. Be honest and transparent*

• Example:
  “If you have questions, I’m ready to answer them honestly. I want to help you understand, even if it’s hard for me to talk about.”

• Transparency is critical to rebuilding trust. Answer their questions truthfully and respectfully. (*IMPORTANT NOTE: SEE THE EXCEPTION BELOW)

The ONE EXCEPTION: The Gottman Method approach to affair recovery generally advises caution around sharing sexual details of an affair, as this can often do more harm than good. Click Here for the details of this research.

5. Express regret and remorse

• Example:
  “I deeply regret the pain I’ve caused you and the damage I’ve done to our relationship.”

• Genuine remorse shows you reflect on the harm caused, not just the consequences for yourself.

6. Offer consistent reassurance, but don’t make promises you can’t keep

• Example:
  “I’m committed to earning back your trust, no matter how long it takes.”

• Reassure them of your commitment to the relationship and their healing.

7. Be patient with their healing

• Example:
  “I understand this will take time, and I’m here to support you however you need.”

• Recognize that healing is a long process and be ready to walk through it with them.

8. Show through actions, not just words

• Example:
  “I’m seeing a therapist to understand why I made these choices and to make sure it never happens again.”

• Follow through with meaningful actions that show your willingness to change.

9. Ask how you can support them

• Example:
  “What can I do right now to make you feel more supported or safe?”

• Offer to meet their needs as they navigate their feelings.

10. Commit to honest communication moving forward

• Example:
  “I intend to be open and honest with you. You deserve transparency.”*

• Rebuilding trust requires eliminating secrecy and fostering open dialogue.

• The ONE EXCEPTION: The Gottman Method approach to affair recovery generally advises caution around sharing sexual details of an affair, as this can often do more harm than good. Click Here for the details of this research.

No Matter What Your Partner Does, Focus On Rebuilding Trust,

First, Trust In Yourself, and Second, Trust With Your Partner:

• Listen without defensiveness:
  When they express anger or hurt, resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, respond with understanding.

• “I hear your anger, and I know I’ve caused it. I want to do better.”

• Respect their boundaries:
  Honor them if they need space or specific boundaries.

• “I respect your need for space, and I’ll be here when you’re ready.”