The Gottman Method approach to affair recovery generally advises caution around sharing sexual details of an affair, as this can often do more harm than good. Here’s how the Gottman approach typically frames this aspect of affair recovery:
Prioritize Emotional Safety: The Gottmans emphasize creating an emotionally safe space to process infidelity. Sharing explicit sexual details can severely destabilize this safe space and amplify feelings of trauma, anger, and inadequacy in the betrayed partner. They advise focusing more on restoring emotional intimacy and trust rather than diving into graphic details that may linger as painful mental images.
Focusing on Why, Not What: Gottman therapists often emphasize understanding the motivations and circumstances behind the affair rather than the physical specifics. By exploring the unmet needs, vulnerabilities, and dynamics that led to the infidelity, both partners can gain insights that help them rebuild and strengthen their relationship. This approach shifts the focus from what happened sexually to why it happened, which tends to be more constructive for recovery.
Managing Trauma Responses: Sexual details are often retraumatizing, particularly when they evoke comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. The Gottman approach acknowledges this by promoting a careful, guided disclosure of information, with a focus on transparency without unnecessary, distressing details. This minimizes the risk of creating additional, long-term trauma.
Working with a “Fair Fight” Methodology: The Gottmans have a structured approach for couples to address issues without escalating conflict. If a betrayed partner asks for details, therapists trained in the Gottman Method encourage setting boundaries on what questions are asked and what information is shared to prevent unnecessary pain and maintain focus on healing.
Supporting Reconnection and Future Intimacy: Instead of focusing on the affair’s sexual aspects, the Gottmans focus on helping couples reconnect, rebuild intimacy, and foster a renewed, emotionally secure attachment. This often includes exercises to re-establish emotional and physical closeness, but without using triggering information from the affair.
The Gottman approach prioritizes managing emotional safety, focusing on motivations rather than explicit details, and setting healthy boundaries. This focus generally encourages healing and reconnection without retraumatizing the betrayed partner.