Here are 10 examples of addressing conflict directly in marital disagreements, each with research-backed insights from John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson and EFT, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, and Stan Tatkin.

1. Discussing Hurt Feelings

Done Badly:

Partner A: “Whatever, it’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Partner B: “Okay, let’s just drop it then.”

Explanation: Avoidance leads to resentment, emotional withdrawal, and unspoken pain.

Done Well:

Partner A: “It hurt when you didn’t acknowledge my effort last night. Can we talk about it?”

Partner B: “I didn’t realize that hurt you. Let’s figure this out.”

Explanation: Directly naming the hurt fosters understanding and prevents emotional disconnection (Gottman, EFT).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “I’m sorry for how I brought this up. Can I try again?”

2. Addressing Criticism

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You always forget about me! You never care about what I need.”

Partner B: “That’s not true. You’re just overreacting!”

Explanation: Criticism and defensiveness escalate conflict and undermine trust (Gottman).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I felt forgotten when you didn’t check in about my day. Can we talk about how we connect?”

Partner B: “I’m sorry you felt that way. Let’s talk about what you need from me.”

Explanation: Using “I” statements softens the startup and invites collaboration (Gottman).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “I didn’t mean to sound blaming. Let me say that differently.”

3. Managing Disagreements on Parenting

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You’re too harsh with the kids. I can’t deal with this anymore.”

Partner B: “Well, you’re too soft on them! What’s your point?”

Explanation: Accusations and dismissiveness damage the co-parenting dynamic (Bader, Bowen).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I feel uneasy when we disagree about discipline. Can we talk about what’s working and what isn’t?”

Partner B: “I hear that. Let’s sit down and figure out a plan together.”

Explanation: Collaborative discussion promotes teamwork and emotional safety (Tatkin).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “Sorry if I sounded critical—I want us to be on the same page.”

4. Handling Financial Stress

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You’re terrible with money! I’m always cleaning up your mess.”

Partner B: “You’re not perfect either! Stop blaming me.”

Explanation: Blame triggers defensiveness and damages intimacy (Gottman).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I feel anxious about money. Can we work on a budget together?”

Partner B: “I didn’t realize it was causing you stress. Let’s tackle this as a team.”

Explanation: A collaborative tone encourages problem-solving and connection (EFT, Schnarch).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner B: “I realize I jumped to defend myself. Let’s slow down and try again.”

5. Navigating Emotional Needs

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You never make time for me anymore.”

Partner B: “That’s not fair. I’m busy, okay?”

Explanation: Generalizations and dismissiveness deepen emotional disconnection (EFT).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I miss spending quality time with you. Can we plan something soon?”

Partner B: “Thanks for letting me know. I miss that too. Let’s schedule it.”

Explanation: Vulnerable sharing invites reconnection (Sue Johnson, EFT).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner B: “I didn’t mean to brush you off. Let’s focus on this.”

6. Addressing Sexual Intimacy Concerns

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You don’t care about our sex life at all.”

Partner B: “Well, maybe if you were more affectionate, I’d care!”

Explanation: Attacks and counterattacks destroy sexual and emotional safety (Schnarch).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I miss the intimacy we used to have. Can we talk about how we can reconnect?”

Partner B: “I feel nervous talking about this, but I want us to work on it together.”

Explanation: Vulnerability and courage build emotional and sexual intimacy (Schnarch).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “That came out wrong. Let me rephrase.”

7. Acknowledging Mistakes

Done Badly:

Partner A: “I’m sorry, but it wasn’t really my fault.”

Partner B: “Yeah, you always have excuses.”

Explanation: Half-hearted apologies deepen mistrust (Gottman).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I’m sorry for how I acted. It wasn’t fair to you.”

Partner B: “Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.”

Explanation: Ownership and accountability foster trust (Bader, Bowen).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “Let me try again—I want to fully own this.”

8. Discussions About In-Laws

Done Badly:

Partner A: “Your family is always meddling. I’m done.”

Partner B: “Well, your family isn’t perfect either!”

Explanation: Blanket criticism fuels defensiveness and division (Bowen).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I feel uncomfortable with how your mom approaches things. Can we talk about boundaries?”

Partner B: “I understand. Let’s figure out how to address this together.”

Explanation: Specificity and a teamwork mindset promote resolution (Bowen, Tatkin).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “I realize I sounded harsh. Can I start over?”

9. Handling Busy Schedules

Done Badly:

Partner A: “You never make time for us! You’re too busy for this marriage.”

Partner B: “Oh, so now I’m the bad guy?”

Explanation: Blame and defensiveness create distance (Gottman).

Done Well:

Partner A: “I miss having time together. Can we talk about how to balance things better?”

Partner B: “I miss that too. Let’s look at our schedules and plan something.”

Explanation: Collaborative problem-solving reduces stress and strengthens connection (Tatkin, EFT).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner B: “That came out wrong. Let’s try again.”

10. Resolving Recurring Arguments

Done Badly:

Partner A: “This always happens! You never change.”

Partner B: “Why should I? You’re the problem!”

Explanation: Absolute language and escalation prevent resolution (Gottman).

Done Well:

Partner A: “This is a pattern that’s hard for me. I want us to find a way out of it.”

Partner B: “I see what you’re saying. Let’s figure out a better way to handle this.”

Explanation: Acknowledging patterns invites shared responsibility and growth (EFT, Schnarch).

Quick Repair Response:

Partner A: “I realize I’m making this about blame. Let me reframe.”

These examples show how addressing conflict directly with emotional awareness, collaboration, and vulnerability can foster stronger, more resilient relationships.