Here are 10 examples of addressing conflict directly in marital disagreements, each with research-backed insights from John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson and EFT, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, and Stan Tatkin.
1. Discussing Hurt Feelings
Done Badly:
Partner A: “Whatever, it’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Partner B: “Okay, let’s just drop it then.”
Explanation: Avoidance leads to resentment, emotional withdrawal, and unspoken pain.
Done Well:
Partner A: “It hurt when you didn’t acknowledge my effort last night. Can we talk about it?”
Partner B: “I didn’t realize that hurt you. Let’s figure this out.”
Explanation: Directly naming the hurt fosters understanding and prevents emotional disconnection (Gottman, EFT).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “I’m sorry for how I brought this up. Can I try again?”
2. Addressing Criticism
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You always forget about me! You never care about what I need.”
Partner B: “That’s not true. You’re just overreacting!”
Explanation: Criticism and defensiveness escalate conflict and undermine trust (Gottman).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I felt forgotten when you didn’t check in about my day. Can we talk about how we connect?”
Partner B: “I’m sorry you felt that way. Let’s talk about what you need from me.”
Explanation: Using “I” statements softens the startup and invites collaboration (Gottman).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “I didn’t mean to sound blaming. Let me say that differently.”
3. Managing Disagreements on Parenting
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You’re too harsh with the kids. I can’t deal with this anymore.”
Partner B: “Well, you’re too soft on them! What’s your point?”
Explanation: Accusations and dismissiveness damage the co-parenting dynamic (Bader, Bowen).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I feel uneasy when we disagree about discipline. Can we talk about what’s working and what isn’t?”
Partner B: “I hear that. Let’s sit down and figure out a plan together.”
Explanation: Collaborative discussion promotes teamwork and emotional safety (Tatkin).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “Sorry if I sounded critical—I want us to be on the same page.”
4. Handling Financial Stress
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You’re terrible with money! I’m always cleaning up your mess.”
Partner B: “You’re not perfect either! Stop blaming me.”
Explanation: Blame triggers defensiveness and damages intimacy (Gottman).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I feel anxious about money. Can we work on a budget together?”
Partner B: “I didn’t realize it was causing you stress. Let’s tackle this as a team.”
Explanation: A collaborative tone encourages problem-solving and connection (EFT, Schnarch).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner B: “I realize I jumped to defend myself. Let’s slow down and try again.”
5. Navigating Emotional Needs
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You never make time for me anymore.”
Partner B: “That’s not fair. I’m busy, okay?”
Explanation: Generalizations and dismissiveness deepen emotional disconnection (EFT).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I miss spending quality time with you. Can we plan something soon?”
Partner B: “Thanks for letting me know. I miss that too. Let’s schedule it.”
Explanation: Vulnerable sharing invites reconnection (Sue Johnson, EFT).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner B: “I didn’t mean to brush you off. Let’s focus on this.”
6. Addressing Sexual Intimacy Concerns
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You don’t care about our sex life at all.”
Partner B: “Well, maybe if you were more affectionate, I’d care!”
Explanation: Attacks and counterattacks destroy sexual and emotional safety (Schnarch).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I miss the intimacy we used to have. Can we talk about how we can reconnect?”
Partner B: “I feel nervous talking about this, but I want us to work on it together.”
Explanation: Vulnerability and courage build emotional and sexual intimacy (Schnarch).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “That came out wrong. Let me rephrase.”
7. Acknowledging Mistakes
Done Badly:
Partner A: “I’m sorry, but it wasn’t really my fault.”
Partner B: “Yeah, you always have excuses.”
Explanation: Half-hearted apologies deepen mistrust (Gottman).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I’m sorry for how I acted. It wasn’t fair to you.”
Partner B: “Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.”
Explanation: Ownership and accountability foster trust (Bader, Bowen).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “Let me try again—I want to fully own this.”
8. Discussions About In-Laws
Done Badly:
Partner A: “Your family is always meddling. I’m done.”
Partner B: “Well, your family isn’t perfect either!”
Explanation: Blanket criticism fuels defensiveness and division (Bowen).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I feel uncomfortable with how your mom approaches things. Can we talk about boundaries?”
Partner B: “I understand. Let’s figure out how to address this together.”
Explanation: Specificity and a teamwork mindset promote resolution (Bowen, Tatkin).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “I realize I sounded harsh. Can I start over?”
9. Handling Busy Schedules
Done Badly:
Partner A: “You never make time for us! You’re too busy for this marriage.”
Partner B: “Oh, so now I’m the bad guy?”
Explanation: Blame and defensiveness create distance (Gottman).
Done Well:
Partner A: “I miss having time together. Can we talk about how to balance things better?”
Partner B: “I miss that too. Let’s look at our schedules and plan something.”
Explanation: Collaborative problem-solving reduces stress and strengthens connection (Tatkin, EFT).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner B: “That came out wrong. Let’s try again.”
10. Resolving Recurring Arguments
Done Badly:
Partner A: “This always happens! You never change.”
Partner B: “Why should I? You’re the problem!”
Explanation: Absolute language and escalation prevent resolution (Gottman).
Done Well:
Partner A: “This is a pattern that’s hard for me. I want us to find a way out of it.”
Partner B: “I see what you’re saying. Let’s figure out a better way to handle this.”
Explanation: Acknowledging patterns invites shared responsibility and growth (EFT, Schnarch).
Quick Repair Response:
Partner A: “I realize I’m making this about blame. Let me reframe.”
These examples show how addressing conflict directly with emotional awareness, collaboration, and vulnerability can foster stronger, more resilient relationships.