CONSTRUCTING THE FOUR LISTS• Step 2
2. When Timeline is completed, make four lists:
Use the timeline to pull out the following. You don’t have to include everything. I suggest the most significant events and emotions that have left a felt memory when you think of this person. Remember, whether you are now with the person or not, this content is in YOU, not them:
RESENTMENTS (These will be turned into Acceptance and Forgiveness Statements later in the letter). Be specific and write it HONESTLY and ACCURATELY and as direct as possible. example: I resent you for embarrassing me when you . . . I resent that you never . . .
REGRETS (This will be turned into Acceptance and Apology Statements later in the letter) Be emotionally HONEST AND ACCURATE with yourself with these things. example: I regret that I never said . . . . I regret I forgot . . .
SIGNIFICANT EMOTIONAL STATEMENTS There are emotions about things and events that need expression from your emotional heart, out-loud, good and bad. Please remember to include the positive emotional statements also in this category.
example:
I felt (or feel) hurt when you (or I) . . .
I felt (or feel) happy that you (or I)
I felt (or feel) sad when you (or I )
I felt (or feel) resigned to the fact that you (or I )
d. GRATITUDE/APPRECIATION/THANK YOU’s These are things that need expression from your emotional heart that you are truly grateful for that are independent of your hurts and troubles toward yourself or others. example: I love you (myself) for . . . I appreciate you (or myself) for . . . I am grateful that you (or that I ). . .
Allow each category to be as long as you need it to be.
For Example:
RESENTMENTS
The time you forgot to pick me up downtown and left me in a dangerous situation.
When you yelled at me because I dropped the plate in the kitchen.
When you got fired from your job and blamed me.
. . . (as long of list as needed from timeline or things that come you you while writing the list)
REGRETS
That I never apologized for so many things that I did do but refused to admit that hurt you.
I didn't speak up even when I was afraid.
I didn't reach out for help when it was so clear I needed it and so did we.
That time just ran out for us to finish these conversations.
. . . (as long of list as needed from timeline or things that come you you while writing the list)
UN-EXPRESSED EMOTIONS
Sad
Angry
Tenderness
Appreciation
. . . (as long of list as needed from timeline or things that come you you while writing the list)
UN-EXPRESSED GRATITUDE
Your courage to face your illness and not ever give up
For the times you did see me and listen
When you made me laugh at the most difficult things
. . . (as long of list as needed from timeline or things that come you you while writing the list)
NOTE: These are lists from the timeline or things that come to you while compiling the list. They can be used as a guide in writing the letter but are NOT meant to be bullet points in the letter. The letter has the most healing power when it includes what comprises the four lists, but in a conversational, narrative style.