THREE REASONS TO TELL THE TRUTH, EVEN IF IT CAUSES SOME DISCOMFORT by Laura Silverman, LCSW
QUOTE:
1.The truth builds connection
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of knowing each other well. Research shows that couples who ask each other questions and answer them honestly are more likely to be happy together than those who don’t.
2. The truth improves conflict management
It’s tempting to avoid minor disagreements by telling yourself there’s no need to speak up when a topic seems harmless. This is risky. Minor irritants can turn into resentments if not addressed early on. It’s like taking the time to remove a tiny pebble from your shoe so you can comfortably continue your walk.
3.The truth builds trust
It’s common knowledge that couples build trust through transparency. But most people think of things such as breaking a monogamy agreement or hiding financial information when they imagine what violates trust. It’s usually much less dramatic than that.
You build trust every single time you say something, even if it’s a tiny bit controversial.”
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Four Types of Lies Couples Tell
By Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” - Oscar Wilde
And that is certainly true in the tangled web of couples and relationships. It’s human nature to lie . . .
You’ll want to recognize the 4 types of lies that will show up . . .
1. Loving Lies
These occur when a relationship is getting started. They are normal and part of forming the bond of an early relationship. Partners will overfocus on their similarities and tell loving lies, such as “You’re a terrific cook!” or “You’re the sexiest man I know.”
2. Conflict-Avoiding Lies
These are common in what’s known as The Dark Side of the Honeymoon. As the honeymoon period starts to wane and partners want to feel more of themselves or their independence (and yet keep the peace) they will engage in conflict-avoiding lies. This includes changing thorny topics of conversation quickly, hiding relevant details, lies of omission, or lies that cover up sneaky behavior.
3. Passive Aggressive Lies
These come when a partner promises “Yes, I will do that,” even if they have no intention of ever doing it. Many times, people who tell a lot of passive aggressive lies enjoy the charge of their partner getting mad at them when they discover the truth. Or they will deny accountability and say that their partner is making them lie. “If only you weren't so nagging or critical, I wouldn’t have to lie.”
4. Felony Lies
These are The Great Big Lies that can be frequent and purposeful for individual gain. These are the kinds of lies that would deeply hurt a partner. They could be about gambling away joint resources. Or maybe a partner doesn’t pay taxes for many years, is in a lot of debt, and doesn’t reveal this to their partner.
Hiding unprotected sex with other partners or lying about STIs is another category of Felony Lies.
Felony Lies exist when one partner is having an affair and challenges the other partner’s sanity, for example, “I’m not having an affair, and furthermore, you’re crazy. You’re paranoid. How could you think such a thing?”
Invitation To Lie
One other important dynamic to understand is the dynamic of the Lie Invitee.
This is the partner behind the scenes who orchestrates deception. They are not responsible for the deception. But there can be many ways that a partner is unable or unwilling to hear or tolerate the truth. They are unaware of the pattern they’re setting into motion.
Examples include...
“I want you to tell me how you feel...
(but watch out if you tell me something I don’t want to hear).”
“Tell me again why...
(but this time tell me what I want to hear).”
“I want the truth...
(but you know I’ll suffer if you tell me).”
“I don’t want to hear it...
(and if that’s the truth, I don’t want to know).”
“How can you be so insensitive...
(and have an opinion that’s so hard for me to hear).”
Hopefully these guidelines help you recognize some of the lies (that you tell and hear) . Knowing that there are different types and why they emerge can help normalize what’s happening and provide you with clear direction on how to proceed.
© Couples Institute 1980-2022 couplesinstitute.com
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TELL ME NO LIES
by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.
Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other.
While partners lie to keep their marriage together, in reality they're helping to destroy it. In Tell Me No Lies, Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. lead us through the four stages of marriage:
1) The Honeymoon
2) Emerging Differences
3) Freedom to Explore
4) Together as Two.
“If we can see beyond our fear, we can sometimes see what really matters. . . And what sets us apart can sometimes bring us together.” — Sweet Tooth