The Four Moves Of Being Heard
When Speaking and Listening Is Happening
Here is the “cheat sheet” for the speaker/listener exercise:
IMPORTANT POINTERS:
A. START WITH THE EMOTIONS YOU FELT DURING THE INCIDENT: Sad, hurt, happy, etc.
THEN, the narrative or subjective story of your point of view.
B. After the listener reflects a summary of what they heard the speaker say, the speaker has the following response options:
Move 1. I feel understood. I just wanted to let you know that you got it. etc.
Move 2. Tune it up
Move 3. Add
Move 4. Subtract
Continue until the Speaker feels heard, and then the Listener becomes the Speaker.
C. The Listener saves their insights, explanations, etc. until they become the Speaker.
The Four Moves Of Being Heard
by Don Elium, MFT
July 28, 2021
Don’t expect your partner to understand you in one back-and-forth of Speaking and Listening totally. It often takes several rounds for the Speaker to get to what concerns them and for the Listener to understand what that is. However, sometimes, one back-and-forth does work. Here is an example:
Speaker: I am frustrated and angry. When I left, I didn’t see the printout you said you would do, so I had to do the work this morning, which made me late for my meeting.
Listener: Ooh. You are angry and frustrated because I forgot to print the papers I said I would do, which caused you to be late.
Speaker: Yes, you got it.
The above is a back-and-forth, one-round. The Speaker was satisfied that the Listener understood the emotional impact and what the complaint was about. They could now move on to a repair attempt.
Listener: I can see how I made your already busy day harder. I will better prioritize the things I agree to and make more time to do them. I am sorry.
Speaker: Thank you.
Most often, however, it is in the several back-and-forths that understanding becomes most satisfying, and repairs can be made through targeted actions. This can help reduce the upsetting emotional impact and clear the way for actions that make things either less harmful or better in challenging situations.
Speaker: I am frustrated and angry. When I left for work this morning, I didn’t see the printout you said you would do, so I had to do it myself, making me late for my meeting.
Listener: You are angry and frustrated that I forgot to print the papers I said I would do, which caused you to be late.
Speaker: Yes, and I want to add that I know you are very busy, but this has become a pattern since you started back to work.
Listener: My failing to do the printout caused you distress, and this has happened more often since I returned to work.
Speaker: Yes, but let me tune that up; it is only in the mornings. The rest of the day has been great. So, it is not always, except when I ask at night, and you agree, but what I need isn’t done in the morning before I leave for work.
Listener: Okay, so it isn’t all the time—just the mornings when I agree at night to do something for you that you have to have done by me.
Speaker: Almost. I would SUBTRACT, which “has to have been done by me.” I don’t have to have it done by you. I can make other arrangements. It is just that I am counting on you to do what you agreed to do for me the night before so that I won’t have to make those arrangements.
Listener: Oh, so you are saying if I say no, you can make other arrangements.
Speaker: Yes, you got it. Thank you.
More back-and-forth in this manner focuses on deepening and clarifying the speaker’s concerns. Using the Four Moves Of Being Heard often opens up new understandings that were unknown or not understood. This can give each person more options to be successful in their agreements and interactions. This also helps the Speaker clarify what is bothering them in a very SPECIFIC way. This allows for the actual problem to be fully defined and addressed in a way that will be better for everyone.
Of course, the listener is pressured to stay in a transparent listening mode, not interrupting or imploring any of the four, finely seeking to understand what the speaker is trying to say. It helps to give the Speaker some grace to be unclear, and they will eventually want to express themselves. It's only sometimes horse riders or straightforward, but finding what is easy and possible.
And then, if the Listener has more to say about their feelings, experiences, or concerns, they can have a turn, with the Speaker becoming the Listener and the Listener becoming the Speaker.
To learn this will require some structured practice. Once you get the hang of it, you will naturally drop into these Speaking and Listening patterns. At first, it will be awkward. Soon, it will feel valued and natural because you can find new doorways through complex problems that feel and work better. The perpetual disagreements about laundry, dishes, cleaning, money, and so forth will be managed better as these challenges occur. Awareness of what is happening and what you and others feel will make Speaking and Listening easier and more productive.
And, when it becomes more natural, and you get stuck, you can always go back temporarily to a more structured back-and-forth of the 4 Moves Of Being Heard. Each person must find their unique ways of working with the 4 Moves. You can change the wording and do whatever you need to make it your own, as long as the Speaker feels understood and the Listener gets a turn to be the Speaker when required.
