QUOTES FROM David Schnarch, Ph.D. -

Q. What do you mean by self-soothing and self-validation?

David Schnarch, Ph.D.: I'm referring to our ability to validate our perceptions, feelings, and self-worth and soothe our heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur. These aspects of our "relationship with ourselves" determine how we handle the good and bad times in our relationships with others, how intimate or erotic we can be, how much we can afford to love someone else, and whether we feel like we're "losing ourselves" or "bailout" as the relationship becomes more important or more difficult. Paradoxically, the better we are at soothing and validating ourselves, the less we need our partners to "be there" for us and the more we can "be there" for others. Likewise, we can let ourselves be influenced by our partners, considering their needs and opinions without feeling like we're weakening our position or interests. Our ability to self-validate and self-soothe is vital to maintaining long-term passion in marriage as well as expanding our sexual relationship.

“(Self-soothing….is about our)….. ability to validate our perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe our heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur. 

These aspects of our “relationship with ourselves” determine how we handle the good and bad times in our relationships with others, how intimate or erotic we can be, how much we can afford to love someone else, and whether we feel like we’re “losing ourselves” or “bailing out” as the relationship becomes more important or more difficult. 

Paradoxically, the better we are at soothing and validating ourselves, the less we need our partners to “be there” for us and the more we can “be there” for others. 

Likewise, we can let our partners influence us, considering their needs and opinions, without feeling like we’re weakening our position or interests. 

Our ability to self-validate and self-soothe is vital to maintaining long-term passion in marriage as well as expanding our sexual relationship.