Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs

The Gottman Institute distinguishes between flexible needs and core needs in the context of marital relationships:

Core Needs

Definition: These are non-negotiable needs essential to a person's emotional and psychological well-being in a marriage. They reflect deeply held values, desires, or expectations.
Examples:
- Feeling respected and valued.
- Trust and emotional safety.
- Physical and emotional intimacy.
- Shared goals or vision for the future.
Key Characteristics:
- They stem from fundamental aspects of identity and life priorities.
- When unmet, they can lead to deep conflict, resentment, or withdrawal.
- Partners need to acknowledge and honor these needs for the relationship to thrive.

Flexible Needs

Definition: These are negotiable preferences or desires that are less critical to personal well-being. They can adapt over time or in response to a partner's circumstances.
Examples:
- Preferences for how chores are divided.
- Specific leisure activities or hobbies.
- Certain social routines or habits.
Key Characteristics:
- These are malleable and allow room for compromise.
- Flexibility here helps couples navigate differences without significant emotional harm.
- Prioritizing flexible needs over core needs can lead to unnecessary conflict.

Why the Distinction Matters

The Gottmans emphasize that successful couples recognize which of their needs fall into each category. Partners focus on meeting core needs while being willing to negotiate on flexible needs, fostering balance and mutual respect in the relationship. Ignoring core needs or treating flexible needs as non-negotiable can undermine marital stability and satisfaction.

This is taken from the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint for managing conflict in committed relationships.

Here is the recipe for success:

Communicate that you understand your partner’s need and why it’s important to them.
Reiterate why tending to this is essential to you.
Please be clear on your boundaries and limits when meeting the need.
Communicate what your partner can expect from you in the future.
Could you check back with your partner to ensure they understand and are okay with your limits?

Learn more: Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs———-Core needs are not negotiable in marriage.

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Compromise: It’s Not What You Think!

However, an approach that bypasses this Catch-22 has a surprisingly simple focus. This is to realize that you are not struggling with your partner. You are struggling with how to honor two different needs in yourself.

This change in perspective makes all the difference in the world. If I am “against” you, I focus on protecting myself. I want what I want. But when I notice that one of the things I want is to make my sweetheart happy, then it’s no longer me against you. It’s me having two “competing” but equally essential desires.