THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY METER
Keep conversations
EFFECTIVE, HEALING and FEEL CLOSER
Common Question: I find myself getting extremely angry with my partner to get their attention on important matters. This leads to both of us getting angry and having distant conversations. Why do we seem unable to change this pattern?
Don: Overwhelm.
When either you or your partner is overwhelmed, it isn't easy to learn anything new or to feel emotionally connected. Also, when a person's heart rate is elevated to 100 beats per minute or more, their brain and nervous system are "flooded," according to psychology. The message a partner receives is the intensity, not the content of the message.
The Emotional Intensity Meter by Don Elium, MA MFT
The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book, "Why Marriages Succeed and Fail," refers to "diffuse physiological arousal," which means that the part of both your brains that scans for survival threats and warns of danger—triggering the fight or flight response,—has been activated.
Your body is in a high self-defense alert state. In this state, your attention isn't curious but rather in tunnel visions in search of an attack, defensive, or detached state. The impact is that no one is listening to learn anything new. Neuroscience has confirmed why bright, capable, and intelligent people in many situations may appear shallow and unable to understand simple things when overwhelmed in a committed relationship. This is because one person or both are in a state of being overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down before reengaging. When in a calm state, reasoning about what is happening or has happened becomes more substantial than emotion, allowing for a dialogue that enables new learning to occur. The reasoning pat of the brain is more robust, at least a little bit, than the emotional reactions of the situation.
You do get your partner's attention. However, you are guaranteed that nothing will change.
Along with all of this, another thing happens that makes this even harder: details will not be remembered accurately. And, I am sure you have ended up here because calm talking about the concern went unaddressed in a productive way. We will get to that shortly, but I want to answer your question fully.
Using our Emotional Intensity Meter lets you see what happens to the brain and nervous system and, therefore, what a person can do at various levels of emotional arousal.
When a person is upset, making a solid point over and over, or listening and getting madder and madder, when their pulse hits around 90-100 beats per minute, they are flooded with intensity and change the area of the brain that is functioning. They are now in a fight, flight or freeze mode and not open to reasoning or learning unless they calm their pulse and become calmer emotionally.
Please keep in mind the following text:
On the EIM-Emotional Intensity Meter, that would place that person in the "red." They are unable to speak, listen, learn, or be reasonable. Research indicates that the conversation will end badly in minutes and sometimes seconds if it continues. It takes at least 20 minutes, but it can take hours, and for some people, a day or two before they can calmly and, therefore, more reasonably reengage regarding the topic that triggered the overwhelm. The longer either or both people keep talking in the "red," the longer it takes for the nervous system and brain to calm down to "green" on the EIM, which indicates calmness.
Mer talk when they are upset or don't wait long enough to calm down before discussing the issue again. This leads to recurring problems until the couple avoids the topic altogether, creating more communication issues. When you try to talk to someone while they are upset, the rational part of their brain is not engaged.
The bottom of the Emotional Intensity Meter is Blue to DARK Blue. This is when you are starting to detach from the conversation and the other person. Thoughts about wanting the conversation to end or other distancing thoughts may appear. You are unavailable for an engaged, close conversation when in the deep blue. You may feel calm, but your partner will likely perceive this as "cold" and think, "You don’t care about me." So, deep blue or deep red indicates being overwhelmed and the need for a timeout from the conversation and each other physically until calm returns. The emotional intensity meter can be most helpful in arguments and as a way to gauge when one is stopping and ready to try to have a repair conversation.
Note: Mistaking “numb (overwhelm” with calmness is common. You will know it is calm when you feel “like yourself” again, and you can see the negative impact on your behavior toward the other person and take responsibility for it as you also see to repair and address the issue at hand with the other person.
The goal is to maintain REASONABLE conversations. REASONABLE means that emotional intensity is less intense than RESONABLITY, where you can understand your partner without making them wrong for feeling or thinking that way.
If the level of intensity is stronger than reason or shutdown is stronger than reason, take a 20-minute to 24-hour time-out and then circle back.
How to take a break during conversations at home when either partner is getting flooded.
a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation.
b) For this to work and bring more closeness in the relationship, the partners need to agree on when they will return to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes but no longer than 24 hours. This agreement works best when the partners are not in the middle of an argument but as a principle they each learn to live by.
c) The couple need to then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.;
d) During the break, each partner can do something self-soothing that takes their mind off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. The partners mustn’t think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded;
e) They can return to talk together when they are designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, she or she can still return but then ask for a specified additional amount of time to calm down fully;
f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.
—-Gottman Research