First and Second Order Change
(Gregory Bateson interpreted by Don Elium 2005)
First Order Change (Note: Pressure goes down at first)
1. Do more or less of something to decrease pressure—a BEHAVIOR CHANGE.
2. Underlying conflict not identified nor resolved
3. Nothing significant and new is learned
4. Efforts bring temporary relief, yet pressure/discomfort returns to the previous level (because the underlying conflict is not named and worked with to loosen its grip on the present moment.)
5. Old Story Still Told and still can’t talk about underlying conflicts that are causing the pressure, and “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” continues to be the story told.
(Note: In first-order change, "pressure" is the enemy, and it is decreased by just moving it around and around to different places within the closed system of marriage---through denial, lying, and controlling (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)
Second Order Change (Note: Pressure goes up at first) TRANSFORMATION — A change in capacity
1. A CHANGE IN THE FOUNDATIONAL AND FUNDAMENTAL Point of View that relooks at all things. A DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE that supports actions that match more of what is occurring NOW.
2. Identify and address the underlying conflict. Destructive Double Bind is diffused by talking about what is happening and the double bind of “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” Talking about it, while tolerating the uncomfortable without criticism and absolute blame, starts to ease the bind, making room for identifying and addressing the underlying conflict.
3. Learn significant and new things (to address the newly defined underlying conflict.
4. Define and Choose who you want to be in this situation FROM THIS NEW WAY OF SEEING THINGS (from WHAT IS NEEDED instead of letting the reaction choose for you). — this is the difference between a behavior change and TRANSFORMATION.
5. The New Story (narrative) can now begin to be told about the same perpetual situations experienced with NEW CLARITY and compassionately and talked about in kinder, yet sometimes more uncomfortable, ways.
(Note: In second-order change, "pressure/discomfort” is more immediate, but its intent is a friendly urge/force that is consciously used to transform the people and the relationship into something entirely new, often surprising to both people---for the better that is anchored in NOW and not just changing words around or putting new labels on old things. It is a fundamental development that leads to growth into maturity and awareness.
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Communication improves when the underlying uncomfortable conflicts are discovered, acknowledged, and addressed in a significantly different ongoing manner.
Second-order change involves doing something significantly or fundamentally different from what you have done before. The process is usually irreversible, and once you begin, returning to how you were doing things before becomes impossible.
The Difference Between First and Second-Order Change in Marriage According to Gregory Bateson
Gregory Bateson, a pioneer in systems theory, introduced concepts that offer profound insights into the dynamics of relationships, including marriage. One of his foundational ideas is the distinction between first-order and second-order change. In marriage, first-order change refers to adjustments or modifications made within an existing framework without fundamentally altering the underlying system. These changes tend to be superficial or temporary and often maintain the status quo. For instance, a couple may agree to argue less but fail to address the deeper reasons behind their conflicts. While first-order changes can provide immediate relief, they are unlikely to lead to long-lasting transformation in the relationship.
In contrast, second-order change involves a fundamental shift in the framework or structure of the relationship itself. This change challenges existing patterns, beliefs, and assumptions, leading to a transformative reorganization of the marital system. For example, instead of merely agreeing to communicate better, a couple might engage in therapy to uncover and address the emotional wounds and patterns that drive their conflicts. Second-order change requires deeper introspection, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace discomfort for the sake of growth. While it demands more effort and commitment, it often results in a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.
The impact of these changes differs significantly. First-order changes can create the illusion of progress while underlying issues remain unaddressed, potentially leading to frustration and stagnation. Second-order changes, however, foster authentic growth by addressing core dynamics and promoting new ways of relating. Couples who achieve second-order change often feel more connected, empowered, and aligned in their shared goals and values. Bateson’s distinction underscores the importance of moving beyond surface-level fixes to engage in meaningful transformation.
Understanding the difference between these types of change can guide couples in navigating challenges. They can take deliberate steps toward second-order transformation by recognizing when first-order changes are insufficient. This may involve seeking professional guidance, practicing self-awareness, and cultivating a mindset of curiosity and openness. Ultimately, embracing second-order change can lead to a more adaptive, harmonious, and enduring partnership.
Ten Examples of First-Order Change Conversations
Scenario: "Let’s set a rule to never go to bed angry."
Explanation: The couple agrees on a behavioral guideline but does not explore the underlying emotions fueling their arguments.
Relationship Impact: Temporary improvement, as unresolved feelings may resurface later.
Scenario: "We’ll take turns doing the dishes."
Explanation: A practical adjustment to household duties without addressing potential resentment or inequality.
Relationship Impact: Reduces conflict in the short term but may not resolve deeper power dynamics.
Scenario: "Let’s spend Saturday nights together instead of with friends."
Explanation: Increases time together but does not address the quality of connection.
Relationship Impact: Boosts companionship briefly but may leave emotional needs unmet.
Scenario: "I’ll stop checking my phone during dinner."
Explanation: A behavioral change without exploring why disconnection occurs.
Relationship Impact: It may improve moments of presence but doesn’t foster deeper intimacy.
Scenario: "Let’s schedule weekly date nights."
Explanation: Creates structure for time together but doesn’t address relational patterns.
Relationship Impact: Strengthens routine but might not deepen emotional bonds.
Scenario: "I promise I’ll be more patient."
Explanation: A commitment to change demeanor without addressing triggers.
Relationship Impact: Temporary improvement that may falter under stress.
Scenario: "We’ll split finances equally moving forward."
Explanation: Adjusts logistical arrangements without exploring financial values.
Relationship Impact: Reduces disputes temporarily but may overlook deeper issues of trust.
Scenario: "Let’s communicate by text instead of leaving notes."
Explanation: A change in medium without improving the quality of communication.
Relationship Impact: Improves convenience but doesn’t address misunderstandings.
Scenario: "We’ll always eat dinner together."
Explanation: Sets a rule for togetherness without enhancing emotional connection.
Relationship Impact: Builds routine but may not foster meaningful interaction.
Scenario: "I’ll make an effort to compliment you daily."
Explanation: Adds positive reinforcement but may feel hollow if not sincere.
Relationship Impact: Increases positivity temporarily but may not address deeper issues.
Ten Examples of Second-Order Change Conversations
Scenario: "Why do we argue so much? Let’s explore this in therapy."
Explanation: Seeks to uncover and address the root causes of conflict.
Relationship Impact: Facilitates deeper understanding and long-term resolution.
Scenario: "How can we create a shared vision for our future?"
Explanation: Invites collaboration on long-term goals and values.
Relationship Impact: Strengthens alignment and commitment.
Scenario: "I’ve realized I need to work on my emotional triggers. Will you support me?"
Explanation: I think it shows personal growth areas and asks for partnership.
Relationship Impact: Encourages mutual vulnerability and growth.
Scenario: "Let’s learn how to listen to each other without defensiveness."
Explanation: Focuses on transforming communication patterns.
Relationship Impact: Builds trust and emotional safety.
Scenario: "What beliefs about marriage are we holding that might be limiting us?"
Explanation: Questions assumptions to enable paradigm shifts.
Relationship Impact: Opens new possibilities for connection and growth.
Scenario: "How can we feel valued and supported in this relationship?"
Explanation: Addresses the emotional needs of both partners.
Relationship Impact: Enhances mutual respect and satisfaction.
Scenario: "What role does our past play in our current struggles?"
Explanation: Explores how individual histories influence the relationship.
Relationship Impact: Promotes empathy and healing.
Scenario: "Let’s redefine what success looks like in our relationship."
Explanation: Challenges societal norms to create personalized values.
Relationship Impact: Increases authenticity and shared purpose.
Scenario: "How can we repair and rebuild trust after this breach?"
Explanation: Focuses on accountability and genuine reconciliation.
Relationship Impact: Strengthens emotional resilience and commitment.
Scenario: "Let’s commit to growing individually so we can thrive together."
Explanation: Balances personal development with relational growth.
Relationship Impact: Creates a dynamic, evolving partnership.