The Complaint Formula

By Joe Beaty

“My wife Tami felt angry. “All you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sit on the couch. Why can’t we talk, or take a walk together, or do both?”

Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they criticize each other. Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and when couples fall prey to them, it can lead to divorce.

Tami’s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage and hadn’t yet learned how to air our complaints about each other effectively.

“I’m tired,” I said. As a substance abuse counselor, I spend all day listening to people. “Why can’t you let me relax?”

Tami kept pushing until my temper flared. “Just leave me alone!”

Before we knew it, the Four Horsemen were leaving the barn and wreaking havoc on our marriage. Tami and I agreed to get marriage counseling from a clinical psychologist. He taught us how to effectively express and listen to complaints so that we could hear each other without becoming defensive.”

The Three Step Formula

1. Express how the emotions you felt

It is best to start with emotions such as sadness, frustration, upset, hurt, or others; instead of “I feel that you . . . “that is not an emotion but an observation. Expressing the emotion in vulnerable words takes the edge off the tone of the compliant conversation. Instead, “I feel _______ (emotion here) about this.

2. Talk about a particular situation
By being specific, you and the other person can stay focused instead of general statements that impact the other as criticism and attack and not a complaint that intends to improve things.

3. State a positive need
Below is a list of everyday human needs borrowed from Marshal Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication. For example, instead of “I. telling me what you need to stop,” try “ I need consideration in this situation.”