How do you talk to your partner when THEY want a separation and YOU don't?!

QUESTION: How do you talk to your partner when THEY want a separation and YOU don't?

Don: Respectfully.

DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position.

Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established dynamic point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she/he wants to leave you. You have treated her/him badly for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint, realizing there is always something to take seriously about yourself.

Remember that a series of shorter conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks.

Could you take breaks often?  Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0-the lowest and ten the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly."  

DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break."  Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.

After a break, DO by finding something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that."  PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE.  If not, correct it with your spouse later. Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This builds the dignity you need to be able to start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but don't expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness until it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.

Please don't feel like you shouldn't touch. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise, where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse. They will not feel they owe you anything at this point. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the eve of separation.

Could you try to compromise where reasonable? A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.

DON'T say, "I WILL DO ANYTHING."  You won't.  Such a promise didn’t work in the past and won’t work now. If a separation is inevitable, you can only change yourself. Your spouse may leave no matter what, but it is never too late to change yourself for the better, whether or not you save your marriage.

TO BE TRUTHFUL, DON'T LIE. All people lie in some situations. Not in all conditions; however, now is not the time. That is most likely an essential ingredient of how you got yourself to this point--lying to yourself and your partner. Instead of trying to be liked, try being honest, sincere, and authentic as possible. You are only yourself when you are honest, first with yourself, then with your partner.  You don't feel like yourself when you, or anyone, lie. The more you get away from how you think and try to manipulate others, the less you feel like yourself.  Marriage is one of the most challenging relationships you will ever have because the emotionally committed relationship forces the truth out of us sooner or later. That is why some couples improve their marriage with separation or, on the doorstep of these, they have a courthouse: they start being honest, first with themselves and then with their partners.

Don't build a squadron of friends and family and bombard your spouse with advice. THEY ARE OVERWHELMED already. This will only push them to become entrenched in their viewpoint and push you to dig deeper into yours.

Could you try to keep these conversations away from any children? Try to get to a point of action before you tell them if you decide upon a separation. This is hard and can't always be done, but try for everyone's sake.

DO remember that ACTIONS or INACTIONS got you here, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how much you care by your ACTIONS or INACTIONS. Not by your imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away.

Could you control your impulses? No Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube announcements or reactions. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is under 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses.

Marriage and individual counseling can be beneficial in terms of needs, wants, wishes, and the reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest and sorting out the emotional waves no matter what direction your situation takes allows you to start liking your mature person again. Only then can you really like anyone else.

How do you talk to your partner when YOU want a separation and THEY don't?!

QUESTION: How do you talk to your partner when YOU want a separation and THEY don't?!

Don: Remember that they will be in shock.  And won't remember much of what you say.

Don't expect them to be reasonable. You most likely have been chewing on this decision for quite a while, and they either didn't know that or have not taken you seriously. They will be shocked when you voice your desire or your decision, no matter how you say it. Most likely, they will go into denial, try to discredit your reasons, and plead with you not to go forward in that direction.

DO convey that you know what you are asking for may be unexpected and that you want them to have at least a little time to digest what is happening.

Don't rush them. Don't push your desire for separation aside; slow down. You are ahead of your spouse in processing your feelings about what is happening.  

DO expect them to bring up the children if this applies. I agree this is essential because it is, no matter how the marriage goes.

Don't expect your fantasies of how you see the care of your children during the separation or divorce to be accurate. You have been planning this in your imagination for some time. You love your children, but you will only have 50% say about their care during a separation or divorce. In most situations, you have more influence over their care when not separating and not divorcing. This is not a reason to not separate, however. This is a reason for you to slow down now that the other voice in the marriage is genuine and not what you imagined. The conversation might also shock you, another good reason to slow down.

DO define the reason for the separation that you are proposing. Is it to cool things down so you can get into a calmer workplace to see if the marriage can be renewed on new emotional terms? Is it to prepare for a divorce? There are no rules that come with a separation. You and your spouse must develop them together. Issues to be considered include living arrangements for the children, time spent with each parent, financial needs, and whether you will date others. If the separation consists of dating others, it is doubtful that your marriage can be renewed.

DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position. Often, the conversation goes like this: One spouse says, "The people I talk to are saying you are going through a hard time and that the marriage is worth saving." The other spouse retorts, "The people I am talking with say they can understand why I want to separate and are amazed that we stayed together this long." Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established, dynamic point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she wants to leave you. You have mistreated her for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint, realizing there is always something to take seriously about yourself.

Just to let you know, a series of short conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks. Take breaks often. Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0-the lowest, and ten the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly."  The last words you say will be the ones your spouse remembers, so be sure to end with, "I will get back to you shortly." You will not have one extensive conversation. You will have many shorter ones in the coming days because no one can think well when the intensity exceeds 7.  

DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break."  Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.

After a break, DO by finding something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that." PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE. If not, could you correct it with your spouse later? Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This dignity helps you start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but only expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness once it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.

DO try to compromise. A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.

DON'T appease. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise, where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse. They will not feel they owe you anything at this point. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the eve of separation.

DON'T LIE. All people lie. Now is not the time. Please be honest or say nothing until you are ready. A common thing people say when wanting to separate is, "I no longer feel like myself in this relationship." The only way to "feel like yourself" is by being genuine and honest about your feelings and thoughts about your partner. When you tune out of your relationship or are constantly resentful, you are tuning out of your relationship to yourself. Asking for a separation can feel rejuvenating, though painful, because you are starting to be honest with your partner again.

DO be prepared for a squadron of friends and family to bombard you with advice.  It is best to remember that everyone cares and everyone is scared. Try to reduce upsetting conversations with extended family members. Tell them that this is between you and your spouse and that you understand that everyone is concerned. You have enough on your plate to handle as it is.

DON'T broadcast your feelings or what is going on with your spouse to your children. Try to keep these conversations away from children. If you decide upon a separation, try to get to a point of action before you tell them. This is hard and can't always be done, but try for everyone's sake.

Do remember that actions or actions got you to this point, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how serious you are by your actions or actions, not by the imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away. Actual actions with real people make them take you more seriously than anything you can say.

DON'T broadcast or campaign on Facebook, Twitter or YouTube. Be cautious about discussing the situation with your spouse by email. This can often lead to confusion and hurt. Control your impulses by waiting until calm before clicking the send button. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is fewer than 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses. 

Marriage and Individual counseling can benefit needs, wants, wishes, and reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest, no matter the direction, allows you to start liking yourself again. Only then, sorting out the emotional waves, can a mature person really like anyone else.

Can grief stop you from starting, developing a better or a new relationship?

QUESTION: Can grief stop you from starting or developing a better or new relationship?

Don: Grief can prevent you from being present in your current relationship and prevent you from starting a new one.

The pain of grief keeps a portion of your attention and awareness preoccupied until the loss is faced. Though you can push grief down to the side, in reality, ignore it in r; there is no getting around it. You have to, at some point, experience it. Until then, it is a part of you, keeping you unavailable to those around you. This is often expressed by saying, "He is here, but he isn't."  

When you experience significant loss (change) of any kind, especially family members to death or divorce, the grief process begins and occupies quite a bit of your attention.

Until the emotional and physical realities that the loss has caused are acknowledged, FELT (experienced), accepted, and to some degree forgiveness has happened, you are not fully emotionally present. Your mind is fighting the reality of the loss.

The positive outcome of going through the action steps of grief recovery is that you begin to experience more of the present moment and can better tend to what is happening in your life now. Imaginary conversations in one's head, as if the loss has not happened, are gone or only appear now and then when triggered by something that reminds you of the loss.

So, the experiences of grief happen without your control, consuming, for a while, most of your attention. 

If you are already in a relationship and you have a significant loss, you will be less emotionally available to your partner until the grief is experienced. If you are not in a relationship, grief could keep you from making efforts to begin one until grief is faced. 

This is true both with death and the broken heart of a divorce.  However, some people start a new relationship to avoid and cover up the pain of the grief experience. If grief is not faced well, the relationship you begin will start on a very unsteady footing because you are not fully emotionally there and not able to be close. The new relationship will be based more on the thrill of hormones and the relief of avoiding grief. Eventually, grief will be faced in this new relationship. 

The same is valid for pets. Many people quickly replace their pets to avoid the loss experience, but only later do they regret bringing a new pet in so quickly. These actions cover up, delay, and make grief more of a problem instead of a process to go through. However, with the proper corrections, grief recovery can happen even when it has been massively avoided. There is hope.

Should I date while separated?

Question: Should I date while separated?

Don: No.

Not until you clearly define with your wife the purpose of this separation. There are no rules for it except the ones you make or don't make. Dating is one of the first issues that need addressing from the very first moment of the separation. Here is why:

Marital separation can have many different purposes.

1. It can be a cooling off period. You and your wife have wisely called “Uncle”, and now you need to use counseling to get to the underlying conflicts that fueled your relationship 

problems. It doesn't mean you will stay married and reunite in one home, but it will be a time to see what is actually possible before taking the next step. It can be a time to slow down and find clarity about what each of you really want.

2. It can be a warming up to the reality of divorce. Some couples have things happen that are not repairable, and a separation is just a step to take for the children and for each person to be able to face the end of a marriage.

3. It can be a time to step back, to work on the relationship issues, and to reconnect and rebuild the friendship that has been lost.

Whatever the reason for a separation, it is best to get the dating option out on the table and clearly decided. If you don't make a conscious choice, you are creating a potentially volatile situation if one spouse thinks one way and the other spouse thinks another. The rumor mill is very active now, especially on Facebook. If left vague, your children could end up in the middle when you or your spouse is spotted in public being affectionate with another person.

So, if you want a cooling off period to work on your marriage and to see if a future is possible, then DO NOT DATE. Talk with your spouse up front. If she wants to date, then it is very unlikely you will be able to focus on the trouble in your relationship and repair it successfully. As long as either of you dates or has a romantic friend, neither will be honest about the issues between you that need to be faced. You will end up sharing more with your date or romantic friend than you will with your spouse. You will compare her--who knows your worst side--with someone who is trying to impress you. Don't mix apples and oranges. Get clear about what you want.

If either of you want to date, agree that dating is okay. Agree to keep it far away from the children and not in each other's face. See your separation as a time to take thoughtful steps forward but know that the dating makes divorce more inevitable. See the separation, in this case, as a transition to divorce. Work on getting along for the sake of the children, not to rekindle a possible relationship. Start thinking about child custody, visitation schedules, and creating a parenting partnership for your children, not remaking a marriage. That will soon be over.

Good for you for asking this question! Many people don't realize the consequences of dating during separation until it is too late to take back what has been done. This is a line that once crossed is hard to recover from. The breach of trust and hurt that results is hard to undo, no matter what was assumed.

So, don't assume. Discuss. Decide up front. If your old high school girlfriend wants to go out to revisit old times and maybe create some new times, don't go, if you want your marriage to last. If you don't want the marriage, then be upfront with your wife about wanting to date, otherwise you will be ignoring this advice. Instead, you will need to visualize your children seeing you holding hands and kissing your high school sweetheart in a public place. Visualize your wife finding out on Facebook that you are dating without her knowing it, while she has been in counseling with you for weeks. Visualize how this will affect her attitude in the divorce settlement. Often people will do exactly what you expect in order to burn bridges, and end a marriage in a way they don't have to be upfront. Be kind to yourself and don't add more suffering to the pain that is already happening to you and your family. That you want to date is a signal that you believe that your marriage is already over. Talk to a therapist before you act. Give yourself some room to make a decision to be honest with yourself and your wife.

Know that you are not the best catch right now. You are wounded. No matter who you meet a big part of yourself and attention is devoted to your painful marriage and family situation which you will most likely use your new girlfriend possibility as an ear to support you through you real life istuation instead of creating a new possible relationship with someone you care about. 

Give yourself time before you jump into another committed relationship. You are not emotionally available to your next relationship until you heal from this one. If you must date, keep it very light, don't mate until at least year or so after the divorce is final. Give you and your children a chance to adjust, heal and recover from this unexpected turn that life has brought. But if you want to try and work things out with your spouse, bring your whole heart to the matter and do whatever is possible to bring the best of you to the hardest issues that you and your wife are having. If you don't want this marriage, bring that same heart to end it with clarity and respect with a parenting partnership in the future.

Is A Separation Healthy When One Person Insists On When To End Separation?

Question: Is separation healthy if one person wants to decide when it will end?

Don: It is healthiest when both individuals are prepared and eager to re-enter the relationship in a more adept manner.

It's important to not just get back together with the same attitudes and points of view that led to the separation. When one person feels pressured or forced to re-start the relationship, they may feel resentment towards their partner for trying to control the timeline. Resentment is a sign of unhappiness and can lead to divorce or at least a mental separation if it continues to grow.

Please keep the following text in mind:

If you feel pressured or threatened, make sure to express your needs before considering re-entering the relationship. If your needs are not welcomed, consider seeking counseling to strengthen your emotional well-being. This is likely an area for personal growth both within and outside of the marriage. Trust your instincts, find your truth, and use your voice. Try using this new voice in a gentle and inviting manner, rather than giving commands like a "sit, roll over, fetch" approach. This is a time to learn new skills and understand the impact of your emotional tone and impressions on your efforts to seek understanding.

If there is emotional or physical abuse in the relationship, the person who is controlling the timing of the separation may be feeling unsafe. Their actions may be driven by fear. If they have accused you of emotional or physical abuse, it's best to step back and gather more information. Reliable information can only be obtained when you are calm and respectful. If this is the case, seek professional help to navigate the situation in a respectful and safe manner for both parties.

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Key Points In Telling Children About Separation or Divorce

Question: My husband and I are separating. What's the best way to tell the children?

Don: Here are some key points to consider as you take this important step.

Preparation: It is best to prepare for this conversation with your spouse with a counselor. You need to sit down with your spouse and jointly come up with answers to the most likely asked question by your children. This may be tense, but it is best done before being in front of the children.

1. Why is your marriage ending? Or why are you separating and does this mean your marriage is ending?

2. When will the first visit to the parent moving out be?

3. How will future decisions about the kids be made?

4. Will the children have a room of their own in the new place?

5. Will the children have to move from their current house and school?

~ When to tell them: Make sure that they are told at least a few days before one spouse moves out. It is better to tell them sooner than later so they do not overhear it in the house or from those outside the home.

1. Plan a block of time after telling them to answer more questions or provide comfort.

2. Don’t break the news on a holiday, such as Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries of family events. This is a day that will be remembered for a long time. Choose well.

~ Where to tell them: The best place is at home in a family space. It gives them a chance to openly express themselves where they are most familiar. They also have the option of being alone in their bedroom if they desire. Know that the place you choose will carry the memory of this conversation.

~ Who should be there: Ideally you and your spouse and ALL the children, if possible. Presenting a united front at this tough time will show that the marriage may end but your joint care and concern for them won’t. Everyone will be emotional. This is normal.

~ Let honesty be your guide. Simple honesty. Resist the urge to be critical, blame and bad mouth the other or yourself. Your children will remember EVERYTHING YOU SAY about the other spouse, and they will hold you accountable for that later. Therefore, DO NOT argue and get over the need to emotionally hurt your spouse in front of the children or after the separation. Many children say they never understood why their parents divorced. Save them this worry by being honest about your reasons. It could save the children from begging for reconciliation if they understand the circumstances for the split.

~ Reassure your children that this divorce is about the relationship between the parents and not the children. They are not to blame. Being honest about your split will reduce the guilt of the child. Many children think that there was something they could have done to keep the parents happy together. Having a parent move out can feel like the ultimate punishment for something, so remind them that you both still love them and will continue to care for them.

~ Talk about expectation around the move of the parent leaving. Tell them the day it will happen and when they will see the new place and when they can stay overnight. Let them know how often they will visit, whether they will have their own room right away, if they can bring their pets, and if their school will change.

~ Try to create positive, but honest attitude about their new rooms and having two homes but don’t oversell it. Just keep it positive and real. If there is shouting and discord, you can also tell them that this will stop and that parents will have more time to focus on the kids as a result.item4a1a1

~ Know that this is the beginning of the grief process for each family member, whether it is a separation or a divorce. The family is changing and each person will react differently to the changes.

Final Note: Practice presenting the decision to your children and practice answering these questions with a friend. You can do this also with your ex but if that is too tense, practice with a friend first then with your spouse. The more you can become familiar through role-play, the more familiar you will be with the emotion that will come when you tell the kids. This is to reduce your shock and help you be there more for the kids.~

However, in some cases there is little to no emotion left in the relationship of the parents. Be sure to practice what you are going to say anyway, sometimes, when you look into the faces of your children when they hear the news, your emotion will come. Your emotions aren't bad, it is just more comforting to the kids if you have adjusted some emotionally to the split so you are not more upset than they are.

And lastly, keep it brief and to the point. Don't try to talk on and on to stop their reactions. Work with whatever they bring up. Be kind to yourself. Later, debrief with a friend.

It is hard on everyone. No one planned for this. It is not easy, but necessary. It is possible to get through these times and keep the kids foremost in mind as the adults work out their adult things. Take it all, one step and then the next..

A Sample Script To Talk With Your Kids About Separation or Divorce

Question: What is a sample script to talk to your kids about separation? 

Don: Separation Talk Script Guidelines

1. Start with a loving message, 

2. Then give the problematic news, 

3. Then make reassuring comments, and 

4. End with another loving statement

Suggestions:

• Spare them your feelings.

• Don’t criticize the other parent.

• Reassure, reassure, reassure.

• Listen to their emotion. Reassure, reassure, reassure.

• Show a united front.

• Both mom and dad share portions of the message.

• You tell them the practical implications of the separation.

• Don’t tell them “who did what to whom, who hurt who, etc."  They don’t need to know that part, especially now.

• Saying how you feel is okay but brief. A word or two is best. Less is more.

At some point, after they are told, each parent spends time with each child alone, not to say more information to them but to listen more to how they feel and give more reassurance—NOT going into who did what to whom.

Here is a sample of telling your kids about a separation:

“Mom and Dad have something important to talk with you about.” “Mom and Dad love you very much.”

“Mom and Dad are not happy together right now, and we want to take time out from each other, so we’ve decided to live in different places for a while.”  Each of us will still be with you.

“We have some adult problems. None of this is your fault. You did not cause our problems and cannot fix or change them.”

“No matter what, we love you very much. The kind of love we have for you is the kind that never ends. We will always be your parents, and we will continue to take care of you.”

Invite questions: “Do you have any questions? You can ask or say anything, and I won’t be mad at you.”

(If a child asks a question you don’t have the answer to) 

“That’s a good question. Unfortunately, I can’t answer that right now. I know it’s hard to feel confused and uncertain.”

Explain living and visiting arrangements: Parent who is sleeping outside the home: 

“I am going to be staying some at ________. I will continue to take you to school, spend time together, do schoolwork, and play with you. You will live here in the house and keep attending the same school and seeing your friends. I will also be here at the house some.  I will always be your Mommy/Daddy.”

Reassuring Comments:

Try alleviating the child’s guilt by repeatedly saying, “Nothing you did or said made this happen. You did nothing wrong or bad.”

Relieve the child’s pressure to get you to reconcile by saying: “You did nothing to make this happen.”

Reassure the child that your sadness is not the child’s fault: “I am sure this is very upsetting for you; Mom and Dad are also upset. You may see us looking upset or even crying— even though we are sad, we are OK and here to take care of you. I am not upset because of anything you said or did.”

Reassure your child that some things will stay the same: “Some things may change, like when and how much time you spend with each of us, but lots of things will stay the same as you will still go to the same school and see your friends...”

Validate and normalize the child’s feelings: “I know you feel _____. Whatever you are feeling is normal and OK.”

How to Handle More Difficult Situations

Many parents believe it is best to shield children from the truth, that somehow this will protect them. More often than not, the opposite is true. Misleading children, hiding the truth, or lying to them about the circumstances of the separation/divorce can do more harm than good. Here are some reasons why it is essential to be open and honest with children about the details of the separation/divorce:

• If adults avoid open discussion with children, this sends the message that talking is not okay, and children will shut down.

• It is natural to spare children from the truth by making up another explanation. However, children often discover the truth by overhearing a conversation. Children should be given accurate information by their parent(s).

• If children are lied to and later they somehow learn the truth, their trust in you can be challenging to regain. They might think, “If you lied to me about this, what else are you lying to me about?”

• When children are given honest and age-appropriate explanations in a planned way by caring adults, it provides an opportunity to process their feelings, answer their questions, and reassure them.

Easy does it. Small steps taken often are best.