How to stop a fight
Follow John Gottman’s four-step “Gentle Startup: antidote to criticism” to raise a sensitive topic*:
I feel ________about___________. I appreciate ________ and need or request __________.
Step 1. I feel ________
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame.
Do this: I feel very nervous and abandoned when I’m alone, not knowing where my family is.
Not this: You’re always late for dinner and you never think about anyone but yourself.
Step2. …about _____________
Could you describe what is happening objectively and non-judgmentally? Don’t offer your evaluation of what you think is going on for the other person.
Do this: I’m the only one in the house, and it’s 6:30 when we usually have dinner.
Not this: You are selfish and careless, so wrapped up in your world that it doesn’t even matter to you what time you come home…it could be midnight as far as you’re concerned.
Step 3. I appreciate ________________
Give appreciations. Noticing what people are doing right is always the best way to go. Could you take the time to search your brain for a time when they are doing something right related to this issue? The person did or i
Do this: I know how hard they’ve been pushing you at work, and I appreciate all you put up with to provide for the family.
Step 4. I need (or request) ___________________
Talk clearly about what you need in favorable terms. Express what you want expressly and explicitly, clarifying what you want rather than what you don’t want.
Do this: I’d appreciate it if you could remember to call me by 5:00 to let me know when you’ll be home.
Not this: I do not want to be married to someone who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to leave me home alone waiting while dinner gets cold without even a phone call