How Enduring Vulnerablities Are Affecting Your Marriage
By Elizabeth Van Sickel
“What are enduring vulnerabilities?
The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA. It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.
For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years. When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. “
Here is a list of enduring vulnerabilities from Gottman's research, Thomas Bradbury, and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.
In marital relationships, enduring vulnerabilities are personal characteristics, experiences, or traits that individuals bring into a relationship, which can affect how they handle conflict, stress, or challenges over time. Based on the work of John Gottman, as well as Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA, some common enduring vulnerabilities include:
Gottman’s Research on Enduring Vulnerabilities:
Emotional Insecurity: This includes attachment styles like anxiety or avoidance, where individuals may struggle with trust or feel anxious about the relationship.
Negative Emotionality: A tendency toward negativity, pessimism, or easily triggered emotional responses, which can heighten conflict in a relationship.
Poor Emotional Regulation: Difficulty in managing emotions during stressful times, leading to disproportionate or impulsive reactions.
Trauma or Adverse Childhood Experiences: Previous traumatic experiences, such as family dysfunction or abuse, that shape how individuals view relationships and handle emotional challenges.
Mental Health Issues: Anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges that can strain communication and emotional connection within the relationship.
Poor Conflict Resolution Skills: Struggles with resolving disputes effectively can perpetuate negative cycles of conflict and disengagement.
Lack of Relationship Models: Individuals who grew up without witnessing healthy relationships may lack a roadmap for positive conflict resolution, intimacy, or communication skills.
Bradbury and Karney’s Research on Enduring Vulnerabilities:
Personality Traits: Certain personality characteristics, like neuroticism or being prone to negative affectivity, can increase sensitivity to stress and conflict.
Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with lower self-worth may interpret their partners’ actions more negatively or feel less deserving of affection, which can erode intimacy.
Stressful Life Events: Enduring vulnerabilities are often exacerbated by external stressors such as financial difficulties, job loss, or health issues.
Family of Origin Effects: Parental divorce, poor parental relationships, or early exposure to conflict can influence how one manages stress and conflict in their own marriage.
Communication Deficits: The inability to effectively communicate needs, desires, and complaints may amplify tension and prevent conflict resolution.
These vulnerabilities can create a predisposition to handle relationship challenges in less adaptive ways, making long-term marital satisfaction more difficult to maintain unless couples work together to address them.
Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it? If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?
What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place? Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.
When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.
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