Step-by-Step Infidelity Recovery Resources From Researched Based Approaches
Includes the hopeful steps for Infidelity Recovery.
What to Do After an Affair (part 1)
By Brandon Leuangpaseuth // January 16, 2020
So, you are telling me… that you cheated on me?”
My partner’s words came trembling out of her mouth in utter disbelief at what I had just announced.
I shamefully nodded my head and agreed. I had just woefully informed my partner I had cheated on her. She would never have found out, but I wanted to admit my mistake. I sadly reassured my partner that my actions were wrong, and I was deeply apologetic.
After a long, unsettling silence, we agreed we wanted to work things out and be together. We started to brainstorm and research ways to recover from infidelity since our trust had been broken.
After a few days, my partner suggested a book we could both read to help us navigate through the cheating. She proposed the book “What Makes Love Last?” by Dr. John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who did extensive work on divorce prediction, marital stability, and recovery from infidelity.
We each purchased the book and began our tedious journey to recover from the breach of trust.
Betrayal is an awful experience.
Trust is vital in romantic relationships; disloyalty can tarnish that belief in reliability, ability, or strength.
Take it from me. Recovering from cheating (infidelity) is an arduous task that entails a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional strain. It is incredibly taxing but could be worth it for the right relationship.
My partner and I implemented the tips from the book to heal from my mistake, and after a great deal of time, our trust in each other started to rebuild. A relationship could be saved after an act of infidelity.
We want to pass along our experience using Gottman’s approach for recovering from infidelity to help other couples going through something similar.
Our first steps in recovering from my cheating were to understand why it happened, whether we could save the relationship and whether future infidelity could be avoided.
But let’s begin by looking at what exactly caused me to cheat.
The anatomy of cheating
Gottman states that people often say cheating comes out of nowhere, but usually, the person who cheats heads down a slow, undetected pathway before the physical cheating occurs.
We learned that often, cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that lead one partner to feel lonely and devalued. Gottman insists that a partner feeling this way is typically caused by couples dismissing or turning away from each other’s emotions over time.
Some examples of turning away could be when my partner was distracted by her phone or laptop while I was giving an emotional bid—an attempt for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
She would completely ignore what I would say, disregard my response, or interrupt me while I gave the bid for personal connection.
When my partner constantly turned away from building a connection, I developed a toxic behavior—unfavorable comparisons.
An unfavorable comparison is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a harmful comparison of one’s partner to someone else. For example, when I was bickering with or feeling scorned by my partner, I would compare these interactions (negatively) to the positive attention I received from the people I met, friends, or just about anyone else.
“Wow, look at her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. I bet if I were with her, I wouldn’t be so stressed out all the time from my trivial arguments with my partner.”
Because I frequently engaged in negative comparisons like the one above, I began to tell myself the story that I would be happier with someone else.
Gottman declares that when a person spirals down this route, they focus on their partner’s negative traits and downplay their positive ones. The more often a person is caught up in negative thoughts about the relationship, the more often negative comparisons are triggered, and the door for potential cheating opens wider.
After a constant stream of unfavorable comparisons in my head, a reversal in how I understood or interpreted my partner in the relationship’s timeline commenced. My partner’s traits, such as “extremely loving” or “affectionate,” began to sour into “controlling” and “really needy.” I started rationalizing why I was not at fault and my partner was responsible for how bad or alone I felt.
Resentment built up; I was primed to be disloyal. Then, I crossed the line.
Is the relationship worth saving?
After the act of unfaithfulness, how did we decide if the relationship should be mended and rescued?
After all, not all relationships should be saved following an affair. Cheating is an alarming sign that one or both partners may not be ready to be in a committed relationship.
To determine whether the relationship should be saved, both of us had to be honest with ourselves and answer some questions to help decide whether to continue the relationship after the affair.
Gottman provides questionnaires in his book to help readers discover the likelihood of the relationship surviving following an affair.
My partner and I sat down and meticulously answered each of the questions from the appropriate questionnaire in the book.
Here are some questions provided by Stephen Vertucci, an expert divorce attorney, that we also considered in assessing if the relationship could be saved.
Are you interested in making amends? Or are you willing to leave your partner?
Can you release your anger and resentment towards your partner and move forward?
Can you imagine being happy with your partner despite what they did?
After completing all these questions, we reviewed our answers and decided whether to end the relationship or move forward. Our results showed a high chance for our romantic relationship to be restored, and we decided to proceed with the steps to recover.
This step was vital to assess whether our relationship had a chance of recovering from my deceitful act.
If I had mixed feelings about continuing the relationship, it was best to end it. Maybe my betrayed partner could have said she could not forgive me, the disloyal person, and we would have decided to walk away from the relationship.
Regardless, we knew it was better to decide if the relationship could be salvaged before we beganrney to rebuild it the arduous jou. We could have both realized it was best to go our separate ways.
Since we decided that the relationship was worth saving, we sought out the help of a skilled professional to guide us through these complex issues. My partner and I used a relationship counselor, which was highly beneficial. Having a mediator to discuss the problem without going off-topic and attacking or interrupting each other was critical to our recovery.
A relationship counselor has the skills and training to listen and offer practical insights to improve the situation. Having a licensed professional differs from just discussing the issues with our friends. Our friends could listen and provide emotional support, but they could also be biased or get sick of constantly supporting us.
After we decided the relationship was worth saving, we began to evaluate the likelihood of cheating in the future.
Would I cheat again?
How did we know if I would engage in infidelity again in the future?
Gottman provides two proven questionnaires to assist us in determining whether there is a higher risk for future betrayals. His method helped us determine whether there was a greater risk of unfaithfulness between my partner and me.
Some warning signs for cheating again may include if a partner:
Does not view cheating as wrong, immoral, or unethical
Has a casual, dismissive perspective on the cheating
Does not take responsibility for what happened
It has a long history of lies and deception.
They cannot communicate openly and are very secretive.
Refuses or cannot empathize with the pain and distrust caused by cheating
Of course, there are no guarantees that I would cheat again. However, we could evaluate some signs that indicate that it may not be best to continue the relationship because I showed a higher risk of cheating in the future. Since I revealed that I was less likely to cheat again based on the results of the questionnaires, we decided to move forward in our journey to recovery.
The journey to restoring trust
After my partner and I worked through and determined the relationship was worth saving and that we had a low enough risk of cheating in the future, we focused on rebuilding the broken trust in the relationship.
Again, trust is such an integral part of a relationship. Without trust, two people cannot be at ease with each other, and the relationship will undoubtedly lack stability. My partner and I knew that since trust was such a big part of a relationship, it would be a rugged journey ahead.
We put our doubts aside and implemented the blueprint laid out in the Gottman Trust Revival method from the book.
Reviving Trust After an Affair (part 2) by Brandon Leuangpaseuth // January 16, 2020
Never in a million years would I have thought I’d cheat on my romantic partner.
I always scorned people who cheated for their lack of self-control and selfishness. I would harp about the importance of loyalty in relationships and preach good. I would go and cheat virtues—and the.
I was puzzled. Confused at how I could do an act that I vehemently and firmly stood against…
What’s wrong with me? Do I lack self-control? Or was I just a steaming pile of turds?
After I cheated, I shamefully owned up to it with my romantic partner. We decided to continue the relationship and were recommended the book What Makes Love Last? John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability, helps us recover from the act of infidelity.
We took the initial steps in the book to decide if we should part ways following the affair. We analyzed if our relationship was worth saving and examined if I had a higher probability of not cheating again. Upon completion of that process, we decided to move forward with the steps to rebuild trust.
My partner and I employed Gottman’s Trust Revival Method from the book as a blueprint to move forward from adultery.
Gottman’s Trust Revival Method
Gottman’s Trust Revival Method is a three-phase process derived from his experience as a counselor helping couples recover from infidelity. His approach has been tested and produces a fairly high success rate among couples who heal after an affair. There is no specific time frame for completing the process.
The three phases in Gottman’s Trust Revival Method are Atone, Attune, and Attach.
Phase 1: Atone
After informing my partner of the cheating, my partner expelled all of her internalized anger, sadness, and disappointment towards me. For many months, in fact. She was especially relentless with her criticisms and reminders of my past mistakes.
According to the Gottman Method,y phase, it is the cheater’s responsibility to admit fault and, in this recovery, make amends and reparation for their actions.
The betrayer must accept full responsibility and patiently deal with the repercussions of their mistake while being non-defensive. Making amends cannot happen if the cheater is blaming the other person for their cheating, making excuses, or retaliating for why they cheated.
They must take all the blame.
Period.
The partner who was betrayed will have trust issues and will be triggered often. They will bring up cheating usually. In this phase, the betrayed partner sometimes gets caught up in their hurt and anger.
Honestly, this was the most challenging phase for us to get through. It was an extremely stressful period. The everyday reminders of my cheating and the verbal lashes I received from my partner made it seem as if it would never get better—threats of getting a divorce became routine. The cheating would come up in every argument or disagreement we had. My partner leveraged the cheating to win or get ahead in any argument or altercation, even when she requested things unrelated to the affair.
It was her “ace in the hole” to take advantage of any situation. Putting my head down and handling the strain of my actions was exhausting. There were so many times when I felt like pulling my hair out and just giving up. This step was a test of our relationship’s resilience.
This rough patch got better after we applied the Gottman Trust Revival Method.
Before implementing Gottman’s approach of Atone, I would rationalize why I cheated whenever my partner lashed out at me. Her attacks often led me to make my cutting retorts. I naturally felt the need to defend myself whenever the rampant angry outbursts came my way.
However, after using Gottman’s method, I calmly handled my partner’s release of strong emotions. Whenever these raging outbreaks happened, I would take full responsibility for what I did and apologize for hurting her. It was difficult for me to do this at times because her anger sometimes felt overwhelming. After I accepted full responsibility for my actions, her verbal attacks gradually became less frequent.
Although the cheater should bear all the blame, Gottman insists that the betrayed person also has a pivotal role.
They must be open to forgiving their partner.
If the cheater tries to compensate for their wrongdoing, the wounded partner must be willing to forgive and cooperate if they want to move past the deceitful deed.
You can get it all out on the table.
For the wounded partner to accept and move past what happened, they must get all the answers to why it happened in the first place.
The cheater must be transparent about why it happened to that person and give the details of where and how it happened. This can be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. Providing full disclosure will lead to a lot of agonies, but it is necessary so the hurt partner can forgive their significant other.
My partner sought out all the details regarding my cheating so she could feel more at ease with the events that occurred.
Again, it is beneficial to have a therapist lead these conversations. The partner who was cheated on can easily get overwhelmed and verbally attack their partner if no mediator is guiding the conversations.
Talking about working together to better the relationship is much more pleasant and productive when you are not at each other’s throats.
Both partners must understand why the cheating happened—and a therapist can help expedite the process.
The proof is in the pudding for fidelity.
You can tell your partner again and again that you will not have an affair anymore until your lungs give out!
However, the wounded partner will only be mindful if you show it through your actions.
So, how do you show your partner that you would not cheat on them again?
Gottman asserts that you can rebuild trust by providing the hurt partner with transparent reassurance of where you are or what you are doing at all times. This includes giving them access to your “personal life,” i.e., credit card records, phone messages, daily calendars, etc.
It may seem over the top or like an invasion of privacy. It did to me.
At first, I was very against it and felt I still had a right to my privacy. Initially, I refused to share my messages or my phone’s location. But eventually, I conceded, and it has since paid dividends.
During this phase, I made a solid effort to keep my word. If I told my partner where I was or when I would meet her, I would be there at the correct time rather than elsewhere.
Being on a short leash was one of the most complex parts for me during this phase. I liked it. I wouldn't say I enjoyed having to regularly tell my partner where I was at all times of the day. I would be harshly criticized if I missed or forgot to notify my partner of my whereabouts at any time during the day.
I felt imprisoned.
As discouraged as I was during this time, I knew I was responsible for the situation, and I begrudgingly accepted my lack of freedom. My partner had my phone’s location, so she had an idea of where I was at all times. She would often ask to see my direct messages on my social media accounts, which gave her peace of mind that I was not going to cheat again.
The wounded partner must feel secure that the affair will not happen again and receive constant proof that their partner is faithful.
The partner who cheated must sacrifice some of their privacy and activities, such as late-night partying or bar stops for a while until after the trust is rebuilt.
Again, the hurt partner must be open to forgiveness, patient with their partner, and willing to cooperate. The cheater's actions were wrong, but they did their best to change their behavior.
Phase 2: Attune
In this phase of the revival method, after couples can reach some forgiveness, the focus turns to building a new relationship.
Both partners must understand that the old relationship had unmet needs and problems. Now, the couples must focus on fixing those and devising a new strategy for meeting each other’s needs.
Couples can develop a more sound approach through attunement.
As defined by Dr. John Gottman, attunement is the desire and ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world. Gottman asserts that sharing vulnerabilities stops either partner from feeling lonely or invisible.
Gottman lays out several tactics and approaches in What Makes Love Last? to help couples better navigate conflict and share emotions to build trust.
One of the methods is to set a designated time every day for you both to ask each other how your day was. This is an effective method for building trust, checking in with each other, and reconnecting.
Here’s how my partner and I used this approach: We would make it a point to share and discuss each other’s feelings. We made attempts to eliminate “you” statements, e.g., “You are so selfish,” and replace them with “I feel” statements, such as “I feel angry and disappointed when you get up and leave during an argument.”
We would also check-in and ask open-ended questions about how we were each feeling when one of us seemed upset or bothered. Open-ended questions were essential because they allowed us to share our thoughts and feelings instead of shutting down the conversation before it even had a chance to; instead of saying, “A begin. For example, you angry with me?” we asked, “You look a little upset—what’s up?”
It is easy to fall down the slippery slope of attacking each other or being passive-aggressive in discussions following cheating. These tactics helped us create a more pleasant and effective atmosphere for debate.
Sharing emotions and being more aware of each other’s feelings made us feel more connected. I have to add that being vulnerable with each other is a crucial aspect of this phase.
What I struggled with in this phase was learning how to open up and share my emotions. Our culture in the States has taught men to hide and not express their feelings. Traditional masculinity told me I was weak if I did. I wasn’t used to talking about my emotions, making me uncomfortable.
Also, I often came from a place of logic and problem-solving. I habitually tried to resolve issues instead of sharing how I felt. I used to get so annoyed whenever my partner vented to me. After quite some time, I learned that she was expressing to me how she felt and was not looking for a solution.
After using this approach, we can understand better and convey our feelings. I’ve slowly improved my ability to explain my emotions. It has helped us better communicate and rebuild confidence in our relationship.
Vulnerability requires courage. A therapist can help you express your feelings more healthily and get you in the habit of exposing vulnerable emotions. Being vulnerable with each other requires each partner to express their more profound thoughts, feelings, and desires. This step built up a lot of trust between my partner and me. Opening up to my partner about my insecurities, fears, and aspirations helped us feel more connected.
Attunement builds intimacy and will ultimately boost trust in the relationship.
Phase 3: Attach
The final stage for trust revival deals with sex.
An essential subject to talk about after a physical affair.
This topic may feel especially burdensome to talk about because the betrayed partner may naturally feel anger, resentment, and fear when they talk about physical intimacy.
My partner personally had a tough time engaging in physical intimacy because she felt I was tainted. She could not have sex with me without the image of my past mistake popping up in her head.
Sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both partners is a necessary component for the relationship to start again.
To move past this trauma, Gottman advises a steady diet of intimate conversations about sex. In the attunement phase, you discuss very personal and intimate topics. Now, in the final phase, you sprinkle in discussions about sex to discover your partner’s feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.
Having enjoyable, intimate sex requires good communication. Partners are not going to have much satisfying sex if they have a hard time talking about their desires. Practice asking your partner what they like in bed.
Some examples of questions to ask each other are:
What areas do you like to be kissed?
What makes sex more romantic for you?
What’s your favorite part of my body?
Where do you like to be touched the most?
Would you be interested in using sex toys?
Do you believe you are a good kisser?
Give me the details on how you want me to initiate sex.
What is your favorite position?
What is a fantasy in bed that turns you on?
What do you like to see me wear or not wear?
How often do you masturbate?
What instantly turns you on?
Gottman lays out a large variety of questions on several sex topics, along with questions laid out in What Makes Love Last? that you can easily reference.
We tried mixing sexual topics into our day-to-day conversations. Both of us would inquire about each other’s sexual preferences by asking intimate questions. Again, what was challenging about this phase was that my partner struggled with being engaged during sex. The thought of me cheating clouded her head. She shuddered at the idea of me having sex with another person.
Gottman’s approach was helpful because these conversations slowly mended and deepened our emotional connection. We would have fun, lighthearted talks about our sexual preferences and how we could meet each other’s needs.
After a healthy daily dose of communication with my partner about sexual preferences, pleasures, and desires, we were able to enjoy sex again. These conversations about our sexual needs gave us the spark we needed to reignite the passion in the bedroom without being hindered by my past mistakes.
Learning to communicate about sex is an important skill to make progress toward couples overcoming betrayal.
Here’s to restoring relationships after an affair
Our society perceives cheating as a simple lack of discipline or moral ethics in the face of sexual temptation…
In actuality, research shows that the majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is strong and each partner is getting their needs met, there is no temptation for lust outside of their partner.
If your needs are not being met in your relationship, better communication and working with your partner are much safer than cheating to try to fix things.
It does take a lot of effort to overcome infidelity, but if you and your partner are up for it, I wish you both the best on your journey!
11 Ways of Betrayal
The differnce between Trust and Betrayal
Works in conjunction with Gottman Couple Therapy.
From Dr. Shirley Glass and her research.
Don'ts and Do's for Compassionate Communication During Affair Recovery
Dr. Julie Gottman: avoid therapists with these beliefs or approaches:
It’s best not to talk about the affair. Avoid conflict and cool it.
Both partners are equally culpable. The more subtle (and common) version of this is: When we examine the psychological dynamics of your relationship, we’ll discover that the affair was as much the fault of the betrayed as the betrayer.
An affair is much worse when a woman strays.
If the cheating was done with a prostitute, it’s not as bad.
You have to forgive the betrayer before progress can be made.
Your shared faith alone is enough to carry you through this.
The betrayed partner’s anger is bad and will drive the betrayer away.
The real goal is to save the marriage at all costs.
The real goal is to end the marriage because no relationship can survive such a betrayal.
You are not “really” angry about the affair. That’s just a cover for being sad, insecure, or afraid for other reasons.
You are making too big a deal of this.
Women just have to accept that “boys will be boys.”
There is something wrong with the betrayed person for having explosive feelings.
There is a timeline for when you should be over this.
If the affair happened years ago, it doesn’t matter anymore.
If the betrayed person hadn’t done X, or had done Y, all this would never have happened. (Example: If she’d put out more.)
The way you argued was the ultimate cause of the affair.
Affairs are all about biology and gender differences.
Marriages are supposed to last only about four years, until the baby can walk and talk well enough, so affairs are inevitable.
One-night stands don’t count.
If the cheater didn’t love the sex partner, then it wasn’t really an affair.
If it involved only sex, it wasn’t an affair.
Also, Julie Gottman suggest to avoid these approaches:
If there was no intercourse, it wasn’t an affair.
If there was no emotional closeness, it wasn’t an affair.
Your psychological problems caused your partner to stray. For example, if you hadn’t been so jealous and over controlling, he or she wouldn’t have felt the need to cheat.
Sexual online chatting doesn’t count as an affair. After all, it’s just “clicking,” not really interacting.
Monogamy isn’t natural for most species. What did you expect?
Avoiding therapists who espouse these misguided beliefs will not guarantee that you find a therapist who meets your needs. There are so many variables in a good therapeutic experience. But, certainly, knowing who to avoid will improve the odds.
Gottman PhD, John; Nan Silver (2012-09-04). What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (pp. 159-160). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.
Also, dealing with the loss, grief, and the sadness of what happened and how to move emotionally forward with Grief Recovery Methods with Don Elium, MA MFT
Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist and author. She is a contributor to Huffington Post, TheGoodMenProject, The Gottman Institute Blog, and Marriage.com. Her new book, out now, is THE REMARRIAGE MANUAL: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around. Follow Terry on Twitter,Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com.
THE TASKS OF THE BETRAYER
The unfaithful partner must:
Be honest, use full disclosure about the affair, and find a way to atone or express remorse
Deal with the traumatic feelings after the discovery and be willing to ask and answer questions
Must end the affair
Be willing to apologize for cheating in a sincere way and promise not to repeat it
Additionally, if you are the betrayer, you must focus on transparency and restoring your partner’s faith in you. This might range from daily check-ins to reassuring them by saying things like “I love you and I won’t cheat again. I don’t want to lose you.”
If you are a betrayer, ask yourself: what can I do to restore my partner’s trust? This might mean apologizing often or giving details about the betrayal. Most of all, you must demonstrate empathy by saying things like “I get it. I understand why you would feel this way. If I were in your position, I would struggle as well.”
THE TASKS OF THE BETRAYED PARTNER
The partner who is betrayed must remember to be kind to themselves, especially when they’re having a bad day and ruminating about their partner’s infidelity. For instance, you could be cleaning out your closet and see the shirt that you wore when you found out about the betrayal and suddenly go into a tailspin. During these times, try to remember that recovering from the trauma of betrayal takes time and it’s fraught with inevitable ups and downs.
Also, the betrayed partner should:
Express your feelings to your spouse, but be sure to avoid accusations. Try to use “I” messages such as, “I feel deeply hurt by your actions and I’m not sure I can ever trust you again.”
Avoid rehashing all of the events around the affair. Marathon talk sessions about it may deepen the wounds.
Find a way to forgive or at least accept their partner’s actions and work towards forgiveness.
Lastly, remember that whatever you think or feel after experiencing your partner’s infidelity is normal, according to Weiner-Davis. She says, “In some ways finding out about infidelity feels like learning about the death of a loved one. You are in shock. And you are grieving the loss of the dream you treasured of a loving marriage to a faithful partner. The lies, the deceit, the betrayal, all go a long way to destroy trust and hope.”
TASKS FOR BOTH PARTNERS
Both partners need to talk about intense feelings respectfully without blame, judgment, criticism, and contempt.
Partners need to find a way to connect emotionally and sexually or attach by risking more physical intimacy. Dr. Gottman explains, “Without the presence of sexual intimacy, that is pleasurable to both, the relationship can’t begin again.”
They also need to be more attuned and to spend regular time together. This includes rituals of connection such as daily walks or eating meals without screens.
WAYS TO MOVE AHEAD WITH SELF-COMPASSION
Many of the spouses that I’ve talked to who have endured the trauma of infidelity have benefitted from a self-care routine that is consistent and soothing. Everyone’s ideas about this are different but usually include taking care of your body and some form of mindfulness practice such as meditation or yoga.
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