3 Reasons Couples Come To Therapy

Don Elium, MFT Individual & Couple Psychotherapy

“The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.” - Rumi.

Knowing what is happening in a relationship at the start of couple therapy is essential to getting the help that matters. The following is from the research of Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.. From her research, these three main reasons couples come to therapy can be a beginning place to discover which or what combination of the three is happening. Having permission to talk about what is occurring can bring a feeling of both relief and discomfort. It is at the heart of productive therapy and relationship progress instead of regression further into unhappy and unsatisfying exchanges.


1. CHANGE

WITHIN A MODERATE TO HIGH-LEVEL COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

  • To grow, connect, change, adjust, and develop in a mutually committed relationship

Both partners seek to develop a greater emotional capacity to confront concerns in themselves and then their partner. Both partners want intimacy and more connection. They don’t want to keep fighting. The focus is on growth and development, with daily time to work on the individual and couple goals that they set for themselves.

2. DISSOLVE

THE RELATIONSHIP

  • I would like to say goodbye to the committed relationship.

  • Get help with kids, friends, and parenting in the transition and with two new homes.

  • Take control and address any resentments to prevent them from festering or intensifying.

We are developing the emotional capacity to soothe and comfort one’s self to embrace the difficult and necessary changes in the commitment level of the relationship and the changes that the ending of marriage brings to the couple and others who care about them.

3. DECIDE:

MAKE A BIG DECISION

They are developing the emotional capacity to soothe and comfort one’s self to look at choices from many points of view to assess the benefits and the downsides of the circumsatance they each are facing. Goal is to come to CLARITY, CONFIDENCE, and GREATER UNDERSTANDING to make the best of a big decision. More on Mixed Agenda Couples where one is leaning in and the other leaning out.