“Only you can change and grow yourself in a relationship.”

The following is a list of possible items for your Growth Plan in your relationship. It was adapted by Don Elium, MFT, from Bill Doherty's carefully researched and evidence-based Discernment Counseling.

This is not an exhaustive list; it is meant to help you identify the hard-to-find words you can use in your Personal Plan. Your plan needs to be responsive to the significant complaints you hear from your spouse and essential things you can practice that make you feel better about how you are addressing your loved one and taking care of yourself. You will be asked to start a list of 3-5 items that you will work on daily between sessions to do your part in improving your marriage, whether your partner is or not.

NOTE: By the time people often enter couple counseling, they have been acting in ways that THEY, themselves, don’t like. So couple counseling isn’t just pleasing your partner, though that is part of it; it is equally about getting to where you “feel like yourself again,” meaning you can stop masking and, with kindness, speak about how you really feel, what you need, ask for help in meeting those needs, and listen to same with your partner.

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Bottom Line: The two ways to have productive changes:

1. Learn enough about yourself, profoundly and fundamentally, to understand how your words and behavior impact your partner.

2. You need to practice your agenda for change, NO MATTER what your partner does or doesn’t do.

Here are some prompts to start your reflection and formulate your 3-5 item plan. This can lead to confidence in the relationship. Chemistry and Love are a foundation for the relationship, but they are not enough to sustain a long-term relationship; you need healthy and productive skills.

COUPLE ONE

Partner 1

  1. Be more sensitive in words and actions when confronted with a problem instead of shutting down or getting angry.

  2. More assertively, I address conflict constructively.

  3. Be more present with loved ones (emotionally and mentally engaged when with loved ones.)

Partner 2

  1. I want to handle anxiety better so as not to get overwhelmed, then controlled, or erupt.

  2. I want to learn to express my feelings without flooding the other person with too many specifics.

  3. I'd like you to gently help me learn how to deal with my panic in a conversation when I feel blocked.

  4. Learn how to take better care of myself, including exercising, eating better, and not drinking as much alcohol or taking too much cannabis, and reduce the impact of this on you.

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COUPLE TWO

Partner 1:

  1. I need to work on my reactivity to be more tolerant and more efficient at recognizing cues for annoyance. I need to learn when I get reactive.

  2. I need to take better care of myself and my health, mentally and physically.

Partner 2:

  1. Be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier when challenged.

  2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.

  3. I need to be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.

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COUPLE THREE

Partner 1:

  1. Overall, I want to manage my anxiety more healthily.

  2. I want to practice filling my happiness bucket and be independent of others to do that.

  3. I want to form more reasonable goals and make more decisions instead of tuning out and putting things off.

Partner 2:

  1. Be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier when challenged.

  2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.

  3. I need to be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.

  4. Be more “dependent,” more willing to ask for help, and not try to be everything to everyone.

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COUPLE FOUR

Partner 1:

  1. I set boundaries when I try to overcommit and keep them so I am not so angry often from exhaustion.

  2. I want to practice more ways to negotiate differences: not being black and white and not blowing up when hurt or surprised.

  3. I want to practice being more appropriately helpful to others instead of being dysfunctionally beneficial by picking up the pieces for others and then feeling taken for granted and resentful.

Partner 2:

  1. Be honest and truthful instead of lying to avoid unpleasant situations.

  2. Be better able to handle conflict-neither lying or yelling to get the person to back off.

  3. I have higher self-esteem so that I can handle criticism without feeling like a failure who is being chopped down, abused, and belittled.

  4. Communicate better, be able to talk things through, and not “go for the jugular.”

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COUPLE FIVE

Partner 1:

  1. Make my wants and needs more of a priority and resent others less.

  2. Be more flexible in resolving differences without resorting to black-and-white thinking.

  3. Could you work on my tendency to worry and focus on the negatives?


Partner 2:

  1. Be more aware of the other’s needs and wants.

  2. Be more willing to be a partner rather than a boss.

  3. Be more open with my thoughts and feelings.

  4. Work on my sexuality, including my cross-dressing.

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COUPLE SIX

Partner 1:

  1. I need to find my voice in close relationships and not lose myself.

  2. Could you speak more concretely about what I need so that the other person can understand?

  3. Stay in a conflictual situation as opposed to quickly backing away.

Partner 2:

  1. I need to be more aware of when I am crossing another person’s boundaries and be an “expert” on their inner world.

  2. I trust myself to keep expressing my need for change when my core needs are unmet instead of giving up and distancing myself.

  3. Be more accepting of differences instead of being judgmental about them.

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COUPLE SEVEN

Partner 1:

  1. Trusting and using my voice early when things go wrong.

  2. I learned to quiet my inner critic and my assumption that others are critical of me.

  3. Staying connected and not retreating during hard times, being less apt to blow up and need more of a priority, and resent others less.

Partner 2:

  1. Understand and better manage my anxiety in relationships, both inside the relationship and when there is a carry-over from outside stresses.

  2. Increase my ability to listen, truly hear another person without judgment, and be the standard bearer.

  3. Develop better boundaries to know where I end, and the other person begins.

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COUPLE EIGHT

Partner 1:

  1. More understanding and better management of my anxiety in intimate relationships and the carryover of my anxiety from other life stresses.

  2. Increase my ability to listen and truly hear the other person without judgment and with being the “standard bearer” for the relationship.

  3. Develop better boundaries to know where I end, and the other person begins.

Partner 2:

  1. Trusting and using my voice early when things go wrong.

  2. I have learned to quiet my inner critic and be joyfully me. (The same goes for assuming that others are criticizing me.)

  3. Stay more connected and do not retreat in the hard times (and thereby wake up eventually and feel I am less apt to blot).

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COUPLE NINE

Partner 1:

  1. I better manage my time and symptoms to follow through on everyday household tasks and shared responsibilities.

  2. I need to become more interested in and respond to what others need to feel loved instead of what I need.

  3. Better manage my anxiety and depression so that I don’t come across as controlling and manipulative, and accept the other person’s feelings when I come across
    that way.

Partner 2:

  1. Continue to heal my relationship with myself.

  2. Claim my own experience—thoughts, feelings, and wants.

  3. I should ask for what I want without begging or being parental—in other words, in a healthy, adult way—and better manage my reactions when I don’t get what I want.

  4. I hold onto my boundaries so that I can listen with love and not try to fix things out of my anxiety.

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COUPLE TEN

Partner 1:

  1. Setting boundaries about my responsibilities in relationships.

  2. Regulate my emotions so that my communication and behavior are respectful and healthy.

  3. I am making self-care a priority.

  4. Become more assertive—say what I think, feel, and want—and handle whatever criticism comes back to me.

Partner 2:

  1. I am more assertive, able to express my feelings respectfully—and be more honest.

  2. More responsive in relationships—deliberate, straightforward, and immediately present—rather than reactive

  3. I am more self-aware of my emotions, especially how self-centered fear of loss is responsible for my behavior.

  4. I am more responsible and an equal partner in relationships, including having the courage and presence to take more initiative in my marriage.

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COUPLE ELEVEN

Partner 1:

  1. I want to face conflict rather than avoid it and be honest about my fear of conflict instead of hiding it.

  2. I want to stay honest in all areas of my life and not use lying as a crutch to get out of uncomfortable situations.

  3. To be able to be sexually intimate without having all my insecurities of the past stop me.

  4. I want to continue to learn to be open and not lapse into being closed off and selfish.

Partner 2:

  1. To feel better about my physical self so that I don’t blame the other person for my lack of sexual confidence.

  2. I respect others’ feelings and opinions more and do not feel I’m always right.

  3. I am learning to listen more to what the other person is saying instead of rehearsing what I will say and to let others in during the moment.

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COUPLE TWELVE

Partner 1:

  1. I tend to be critical, judgmental, and more accepting.

  2. I am more open to criticism and feedback about myself.

  3. I am focusing more on my contributions and influence on the relationship.

  4. I need to identify and communicate my boundaries about respectful language and behavior and hold myself accountable, too.

Partner 2

  1. I better manage my anger, frustration, and impatience when I have those feelings.

  2. Living a healthier lifestyle-regular exercise, less alcohol, better diet, and overall lower stress.

  3. Develop my ability to be engaged with my family regularly.

  4. I am being more empathetic and mindful in my relationships.

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COUPLE THIRTEEN

Partner 1:

  1. Become more in tune with my own emotions, especially my vulnerable emotions

  2. Become more in tune with others’ emotions and not be a fixer.

  3. I want to become more comfortable in physical intimacy situations, including working on my body image, physical health, and performance pressures to be less critical, judgmental, and accepting.

Partner 2:

  1. I should recognize and acknowledge my feelings as they arise rather than suppressing them and letting them build up.

  2. I was more positively vocalizing my thoughts and feelings- being assertive rather than withdrawing or becoming over-emotional.

  3. I am learning self-care in relationships so I don’t over-give, pay a price, and suddenly cut off.

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COUPLE FOURTEEN

Partner 1:

  1. Prioritize my health by responsibly using pain management tools.

  2. Better manage my emotions (my reactivity) in relationships, being able to go back and forth without flipping out.

  3. We recognize and allow myself to feel a range of emotions—other than feeling flat, sad, or angry.

  4. I have better boundaries, including with family, friends, and other men (including caution about alcohol use where I use my boundaries).

Partner 2:

  1. Become better at understanding and communicating my feelings.

  2. Could you initiate more conversations and connections?

  3. I was supportive and “holding onto myself” even when I had trust concerns.

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