Thank You For Telling Me That, Now, What Do I Do?
Welcoming feedback from your spouse, especially when it’s hard to hear, can strengthen your relationship and deepen emotional intimacy.
1. From John & Julie Gottman: Build a Foundation of Trust and Repair
Emotion Coaching: Gottman emphasizes understanding your and your spouse's emotions. When receiving hard feedback:
Acknowledge your spouse's feelings without defensiveness.
Done Badly:
- Example: When a spouse expresses frustration about feeling neglected, the other responds defensively: "I can't believe you're saying that! I do so much for you!"
- Why: This reaction dismisses the spouse's feelings and shifts the focus to oneself, creating a sense of invalidation.
- Impact: The spouse feels unheard and may become more frustrated or withdraw, leading to further disconnect in the relationship.
Done Well:
- Example: The spouse responds: "I can see you're feeling neglected, and I'm sorry that this is happening."
- Why: This response validates the spouse's feelings and shows empathy.
- Impact: The spouse feels heard and understood, which fosters emotional connection and opens the door for constructive dialogue.
Take a deep breath and repeat what you heard to ensure understanding (e.g., "So you're saying that...").
Done Badly:
- Example: After receiving feedback, one partner immediately retorts: "That's not true! You're exaggerating!"
- Why: This reaction shows a lack of effort to understand and leads to escalation.
- Impact: Miscommunication occurs, and the initial issue remains unresolved, leading to resentment.
Done Well:
- Example: The partner takes a moment, breathes, and says: "So you're saying that you feel overwhelmed with household responsibilities?"
- Why: This shows active listening and confirms understanding.
- Impact: It clarifies the message and helps both partners feel more aligned, making it easier to work through the issue together.
Turn Towards, Not Away: Even if the feedback feels like criticism, see it as an invitation to connect. Respond with curiosity rather than withdrawal or attack.
Done Badly:
- Example: When faced with feedback, one partner shuts down, saying, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and leaves the room.
- Why: This response avoids engagement and can be perceived as rejection.
- Impact: It creates emotional distance and can lead to feelings of abandonment or anxiety in the other partner.
Done Well:
- Example: The partner responds with curiosity: "I want to understand what you're feeling. Can you tell me more about it?"
- Why: This approach invites deeper conversation and shows commitment to the relationship.
- Impact: It strengthens the emotional bond and allows for collaborative problem-solving, leading to improved relationship satisfaction.
Done Badly:
- Example: During a heated argument, one partner throws their hands up and says, "Forget it! I’m done with this conversation!"
- Why: This reaction indicates a complete withdrawal from engagement and a lack of care for the relationship.
- Impact: It can escalate the conflict, create lasting wounds, and damage trust.
Done Well:
- Example: One partner recognizes the conversation is getting heated and says, "Let’s take a break for a few minutes, and we can come back to this. I care about resolving this."
- Why: This acknowledges the emotional intensity and prioritizes the relationship.
- Impact: It allows both partners to cool down and reflect, leading to a more constructive conversation later and reinforcing the idea that both partners are committed to the conversation and the relationship.
2. From Sue Johnson: Focus on Emotional Safety
Attachment Framework: Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) views difficult feedback as a bid for connection. Ask yourself:
What is my spouse really feeling underneath the words? (e.g., fear, hurt, longing)
How can I respond in a way that reassures their emotional safety?
Ask Yourself: What is my spouse really feeling underneath the words?
Done Badly:
- Example: When a spouse expresses frustration about household chores, the other retorts, "You're just being unreasonable. I work hard too!"
- Why: This response dismisses the deeper emotions behind the frustration, such as feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated.
- Impact: The frustrated spouse may feel invalidated and more isolated, leading to further escalation of the conflict and emotional distance.
Done Well:
- Example: The spouse responds, "It sounds like you feel really overwhelmed with everything on your plate. Is that right?"
- Why: This response seeks to understand the deeper feelings of the spouse, such as stress or fatigue.
- Impact: By acknowledging the underlying emotions, the frustrated spouse feels heard and validated, fostering an environment of emotional safety and encouraging open communication.
Soften Your Heart: Even if the feedback triggers defensiveness, focus on the underlying need for connection. Respond with vulnerability rather than shutting down.
Done Badly:
- Example: When receiving feedback about not spending enough quality time together, one partner responds defensively: "I can't believe you're saying that! I have a lot on my plate!"
- Why: This reaction focuses on self-protection and shuts down the conversation, ignoring the vulnerability behind the feedback.
- Impact: The other partner may feel rejected and more inclined to withdraw or escalate the conflict, leading to greater emotional disconnection.
Done Well:
- Example: The partner takes a deep breath and responds, "I see that you need more time together, and I feel sad that I haven't been there for you."
- Why: This response acknowledges their partner's feelings and expresses vulnerability.
- Impact: It opens the door for connection and understanding, creating a safe emotional space where both partners can share their needs and desires without fear of backlash.
Name the Cycle: If the feedback spirals into conflict, label the dynamic ("It feels like we're caught in that cycle where I withdraw and you get more upset"). This externalizes the problem and helps you unite against it.
Done Badly:
- Example: In the midst of an argument, one partner says, "You always do this! You never listen!" while the other lashes back, "Well, you always overreact!"
- Why: This reaction intensifies the blame and fails to address the underlying pattern of behavior in their interactions.
- Impact: The argument escalates, and both partners feel more entrenched in their positions, leading to unresolved issues and increased resentment.
Done Well:
- Example: One partner says, "It feels like we're caught in that cycle where I withdraw, and you get more upset. Can we try to break that pattern?"
- Why: This approach externalizes the problem, shifting the focus from blaming each other to understanding the dynamic at play.
- Impact: By naming the cycle, both partners can work together to address the underlying issues, fostering cooperation and reducing defensiveness. This creates a sense of teamwork and emotional safety, encouraging healthier supportive relationship environment.
3. From Ellyn Bader: Embrace Growth and Differentiation
Self-Regulation: Bader emphasizes the importance of tolerating discomfort to grow. When feedback feels hard:
Ground yourself by taking deep breaths and remembering that discomfort is part of growth.
Stay present rather than shutting down or trying to resolve the discomfort immediately.
Done Badly:
- Example: When a spouse receives feedback about being too busy with work and neglecting family time, they immediately react defensively: "You don’t understand how hard I work! I’m doing this for us!"
- Why: This reaction indicates an inability to tolerate the discomfort of criticism, resulting in a defensive shutdown rather than self-reflection.
- Impact: The receiving spouse feels attacked and may withdraw, leading to unresolved issues and a lack of communication. This can escalate tension and create emotional distance between partners.
Done Well:
- Example: The spouse takes a deep breath and says, "I feel defensive about my work right now, but I want to hear what you're saying. Let me take a moment to ground myself."
- Why: This response demonstrates self-regulation by acknowledging discomfort and the need for a moment to process feedback without shutting down.
- Impact: Grounding oneself fosters a more open and constructive dialogue, allowing both partners to communicate more effectively and feel heard, which strengthens their emotional connection.
Curiosity Over Defensiveness: Instead of seeing feedback as an attack, approach it with curiosity. Ask clarifying questions to understand your spouse's perspective better.
Done Badly:
- Example: When the spouse expresses feelings of being neglected, the partner responds with, "That’s not true! You’re just being dramatic!"
- Why: This defensiveness dismisses the feelings of the other partner and avoids engaging with the feedback.
- Impact: The spouse feels invalidated and may escalate their frustration, leading to further conflict and a breakdown in communication.
Done Well:
- Example: The partner responds, "I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can you tell me more about what you’re experiencing?"
- Why: This approach demonstrates curiosity and a willingness to understand the other partner’s perspective, even if it feels uncomfortable.
- Impact: By approaching the conversation with curiosity, the spouse feels valued and understood, fostering a healthier dialogue and deeper emotional intimacy.
Differentiate Without Disconnecting: Bader teaches that healthy couples balance individuality and connection. Acknowledge your partner’s perspective even if you don’t entirely agree. For example: "I see how you feel that way. Let me reflect on this more."
Done Badly:
- Example: In a discussion about how to spend the weekend, one partner insists, "We should do what I want; your ideas are always too boring!"
- Why: This response disregards the other partner’s perspective and creates a sense of disconnection.
- Impact: The dismissive approach can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, causing one partner to feel undervalued and less inclined to share their thoughts in the future.
Done Well:
- Example: The partner says, "I hear that you want to relax this weekend, and I want to explore some new activities. I see how you feel that way. Let me reflect on this more."
- Why: This response acknowledges the other partner's feelings while also expressing individual desires, promoting healthy differentiation.
- Impact: By validating each other's perspectives, both partners can explore compromises that respect individuality while maintaining connection. This fosters mutual respect and strengthens their bond.
Practical Tips (Based on All Three Approaches):
Pause Before Reacting: Use a mindfulness technique, like counting to three, to respond thoughtfully.
Validate Feelings: Even if the feedback feels unfair, start with validation (e.g., "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that").
Own Your Part: Accept responsibility for your actions, even if you feel your partner's perspective isn’t fully accurate.
Ask for Specifics: If feedback is vague or overwhelming, gently ask for concrete examples to better understand.
Express Gratitude: Thank your spouse for their honesty, even if it’s hard to hear (e.g., "I know it’s not easy to share this, but I appreciate that you did").
10 More Examples
Here are ten examples of dealing with hard-to-hear feedback from a spouse, both done badly and done well, along with explanations of the impact on the spouse in each case, utilizing the resources from Gottman, Bader, and Johnson.
Example 1: Pause Before Reacting
Done Badly:
When receiving feedback, a spouse immediately reacts with anger, saying, "How could you even think that about me?"
Impact on Spouse: This response shuts down communication and makes the feedback-giver feel defensive and hurt, leading to further conflict.
Done Well:
The spouse takes a moment to breathe and counts to three before responding, saying, "That's a lot to take in; let me think about it for a second."
Impact on Spouse: This shows that the feedback is being considered seriously, promoting an atmosphere of emotional safety and willingness to engage in dialogue.
Example 2: Validate Feelings
Done Badly:
A spouse dismisses the other’s feelings by saying, "You shouldn’t feel that way; it's not a big deal."
Impact on Spouse: This invalidation can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment, as the feedback-giver feels unheard and unimportant.
Done Well:
The spouse responds with, "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that; I understand it means a lot to you."
Impact on Spouse: Validating feelings fosters a sense of connection and understanding, encouraging more open and honest conversations.
Example 3: Own Your Part
Done Badly:
A spouse responds by saying, "That's not true; you're the one who overreacts."
Impact on Spouse: This defensiveness creates a blame game, leading to frustration and a breakdown in trust and communication.
Done Well:
The spouse acknowledges, "I can see how my actions contributed to this; I'm sorry for that."
Impact on Spouse: Taking ownership builds trust and shows a commitment to improving the relationship, encouraging the spouse to feel valued.
Example 4: Ask for Specifics
Done Badly:
The spouse responds to vague feedback with frustration, saying, "You always do this; it's never specific!"
Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel criticized and less likely to share in the future, fostering resentment.
Done Well:
The spouse gently asks, "Can you give me a specific example of what you mean? I want to understand better."
Impact on Spouse: Seeking clarity encourages constructive dialogue and shows a genuine interest in resolving the issue.
Example 5: Express Gratitude
Done Badly:
A spouse reacts with annoyance, saying, "I can't believe you brought this up; it's so unnecessary."
Impact on Spouse: This response can make the feedback-giver feel unappreciated and discouraged from being honest in the future.
Done Well:
The spouse responds with, "Thank you for sharing this with me; I know it’s not easy to say."
Impact on Spouse: Gratitude fosters a positive environment where both partners feel safe to communicate openly.
Example 6: Use Mindfulness Techniques
Done Badly:
A spouse interrupts and raises their voice during a conversation, saying, "You don't understand how hard my day was!"
Impact on Spouse: This can escalate conflict and create an environment of hostility, making it hard for either partner to feel heard.
Done Well:
The spouse practices deep breathing before replying, saying, "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but I want to hear you out."
Impact on Spouse: This promotes emotional safety and encourages a calm exchange, allowing both partners to express themselves without escalating tension.
Example 7: Acknowledge Past Patterns
Done Badly:
A spouse denies any previous issues, stating, "This is just a one-time thing; you’re overreacting."
Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel frustrated and invalidated, as it dismisses their concerns and experiences.
Done Well:
The spouse reflects, "I realize we've had similar conversations before; let's work together on this."
Impact on Spouse: Acknowledging past patterns shows awareness and a willingness to change, deepening trust in the relationship.
Example 8: Maintain a Non-Defensive Posture
Done Badly:
A spouse crosses their arms and turns away, saying, "Whatever, I don’t want to talk about this."
Impact on Spouse: This body language and refusal to engage can heighten feelings of rejection and frustration, discouraging future conversations.
Done Well:
The spouse maintains eye contact and an open posture, saying, "I want to hear what you’re saying, even if it’s hard for me."
Impact on Spouse: This openness encourages sharing and reinforces emotional connection, enhancing the dialogue.
Example 9: Focus on Solutions
Done Badly:
A spouse responds with, "Well, that’s just how I am, and I’m not changing."
Impact on Spouse: This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration, as it suggests a lack of commitment to the relationship.
Done Well:
The spouse replies, "I appreciate your perspective; let’s discuss how we can address this together."
Impact on Spouse: Focusing on solutions promotes teamwork and collaboration, reinforcing a shared commitment to the relationship.
Example 10: Revisit the Conversation Later
Done Badly:
A spouse brushes off the feedback and changes the topic, avoiding any further discussion.
Impact on Spouse: Avoidance can create lingering resentment and disconnect, leading to unresolved issues.
Done Well:
After taking time to reflect, the spouse later says, "I’ve thought more about what you said, and I’d like to discuss it further."
Impact on Spouse: Reopening the conversation shows commitment to understanding and resolving issues, fostering deeper intimacy and trust.
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By approaching difficult feedback with trust (Gottman), emotional safety (Johnson), and a growth mindset (Bader), you can transform challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. By applying these principles, couples can ensure that difficult conversations yield positive outcomes, strengthening their relationship rather than causing harm.
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• Gratitude: You appreciate their honesty.
• Openness: You’re willing to listen without defensiveness.
• Commitment to Growth: You’re eager to improve the relationship.
Empathy: You care about your spouse’s feelings and are dedicated to your relationship.
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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California