Thank You For Telling Me That, Now, What Do I Do?
Welcoming feedback from your spouse, especially when it’s hard to hear, can strengthen your relationship and deepen emotional intimacy.
1. From John Gottman: Build a Foundation of Trust and Repair
Emotion Coaching: Gottman emphasizes understanding your and your spouse's emotions. When receiving hard feedback:
Acknowledge your spouse's feelings without defensiveness.
Take a deep breath and repeat what you heard to ensure understanding (e.g., "So you're saying that...").
Turn Towards, Not Away: Even if the feedback feels like criticism, see it as an invitation to connect. Respond with curiosity rather than withdrawal or attack.
2. From Sue Johnson: Focus on Emotional Safety
Attachment Framework: Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) views difficult feedback as a bid for connection. Ask yourself:
What is my spouse really feeling underneath the words? (e.g., fear, hurt, longing)
How can I respond in a way that reassures their emotional safety?
Soften Your Heart: Even if the feedback triggers defensiveness, focus on the underlying need for connection. Respond with vulnerability rather than shutting down.
Name the Cycle: If the feedback spirals into conflict, label the dynamic ("It feels like we're caught in that cycle where I withdraw and you get more upset"). This externalizes the problem and helps you unite against it.
3. From Ellyn Bader: Embrace Growth and Differentiation
Self-Regulation: Bader emphasizes the importance of tolerating discomfort to grow. When feedback feels hard:
Ground yourself by taking deep breaths and remembering that discomfort is part of growth.
Stay present rather than shutting down or trying to resolve the discomfort immediately.
Curiosity Over Defensiveness: Instead of seeing feedback as an attack, approach it with curiosity. Ask clarifying questions to understand your spouse's perspective better.
Differentiate Without Disconnecting: Bader teaches that healthy couples balance individuality and connection. Acknowledge your partner’s perspective even if you don’t entirely agree. For example: "I see how you feel that way. Let me reflect on this more."
Practical Tips (Based on All Three Approaches):
Pause Before Reacting: Use a mindfulness technique, like counting to three, to respond thoughtfully.
Validate Feelings: Even if the feedback feels unfair, start with validation (e.g., "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that").
Own Your Part: Accept responsibility for your actions, even if you feel your partner's perspective isn’t fully accurate.
Ask for Specifics: If feedback is vague or overwhelming, gently ask for concrete examples to better understand.
Express Gratitude: Thank your spouse for their honesty, even if it’s hard to hear (e.g., "I know it’s not easy to share this, but I appreciate that you did").
10 Examples
Here are ten examples of dealing with hard-to-hear feedback from a spouse, both done badly and done well, along with explanations of the impact on the spouse in each case, utilizing the resources from Gottman, Bader, and Johnson.
Example 1: Pause Before Reacting
Done Badly:
When receiving feedback, a spouse immediately reacts with anger, saying, "How could you even think that about me?"
Impact on Spouse: This response shuts down communication and makes the feedback-giver feel defensive and hurt, leading to further conflict.
Done Well:
The spouse takes a moment to breathe and counts to three before responding, saying, "That's a lot to take in; let me think about it for a second."
Impact on Spouse: This shows that the feedback is being considered seriously, promoting an atmosphere of emotional safety and willingness to engage in dialogue.
Example 2: Validate Feelings
Done Badly:
A spouse dismisses the other’s feelings by saying, "You shouldn’t feel that way; it's not a big deal."
Impact on Spouse: This invalidation can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment, as the feedback-giver feels unheard and unimportant.
Done Well:
The spouse responds with, "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that; I understand it means a lot to you."
Impact on Spouse: Validating feelings fosters a sense of connection and understanding, encouraging more open and honest conversations.
Example 3: Own Your Part
Done Badly:
A spouse responds by saying, "That's not true; you're the one who overreacts."
Impact on Spouse: This defensiveness creates a blame game, leading to frustration and a breakdown in trust and communication.
Done Well:
The spouse acknowledges, "I can see how my actions contributed to this; I'm sorry for that."
Impact on Spouse: Taking ownership builds trust and shows a commitment to improving the relationship, encouraging the spouse to feel valued.
Example 4: Ask for Specifics
Done Badly:
The spouse responds to vague feedback with frustration, saying, "You always do this; it's never specific!"
Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel criticized and less likely to share in the future, fostering resentment.
Done Well:
The spouse gently asks, "Can you give me a specific example of what you mean? I want to understand better."
Impact on Spouse: Seeking clarity encourages constructive dialogue and shows a genuine interest in resolving the issue.
Example 5: Express Gratitude
Done Badly:
A spouse reacts with annoyance, saying, "I can't believe you brought this up; it's so unnecessary."
Impact on Spouse: This response can make the feedback-giver feel unappreciated and discouraged from being honest in the future.
Done Well:
The spouse responds with, "Thank you for sharing this with me; I know it’s not easy to say."
Impact on Spouse: Gratitude fosters a positive environment where both partners feel safe to communicate openly.
Example 6: Use Mindfulness Techniques
Done Badly:
A spouse interrupts and raises their voice during a conversation, saying, "You don't understand how hard my day was!"
Impact on Spouse: This can escalate conflict and create an environment of hostility, making it hard for either partner to feel heard.
Done Well:
The spouse practices deep breathing before replying, saying, "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but I want to hear you out."
Impact on Spouse: This promotes emotional safety and encourages a calm exchange, allowing both partners to express themselves without escalating tension.
Example 7: Acknowledge Past Patterns
Done Badly:
A spouse denies any previous issues, stating, "This is just a one-time thing; you’re overreacting."
Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel frustrated and invalidated, as it dismisses their concerns and experiences.
Done Well:
The spouse reflects, "I realize we've had similar conversations before; let's work together on this."
Impact on Spouse: Acknowledging past patterns shows awareness and a willingness to change, deepening trust in the relationship.
Example 8: Maintain a Non-Defensive Posture
Done Badly:
A spouse crosses their arms and turns away, saying, "Whatever, I don’t want to talk about this."
Impact on Spouse: This body language and refusal to engage can heighten feelings of rejection and frustration, discouraging future conversations.
Done Well:
The spouse maintains eye contact and an open posture, saying, "I want to hear what you’re saying, even if it’s hard for me."
Impact on Spouse: This openness encourages sharing and reinforces emotional connection, enhancing the dialogue.
Example 9: Focus on Solutions
Done Badly:
A spouse responds with, "Well, that’s just how I am, and I’m not changing."
Impact on Spouse: This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration, as it suggests a lack of commitment to the relationship.
Done Well:
The spouse replies, "I appreciate your perspective; let’s discuss how we can address this together."
Impact on Spouse: Focusing on solutions promotes teamwork and collaboration, reinforcing a shared commitment to the relationship.
Example 10: Revisit the Conversation Later
Done Badly:
A spouse brushes off the feedback and changes the topic, avoiding any further discussion.
Impact on Spouse: Avoidance can create lingering resentment and disconnect, leading to unresolved issues.
Done Well:
After taking time to reflect, the spouse later says, "I’ve thought more about what you said, and I’d like to discuss it further."
Impact on Spouse: Reopening the conversation shows commitment to understanding and resolving issues, fostering deeper intimacy and trust.
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By approaching difficult feedback with trust (Gottman), emotional safety (Johnson), and a growth mindset (Bader), you can transform challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. By applying these principles, couples can ensure that difficult conversations yield positive outcomes, strengthening their relationship rather than causing harm.
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• Gratitude: You appreciate their honesty.
• Openness: You’re willing to listen without defensiveness.
• Commitment to Growth: You’re eager to improve the relationship.
Empathy: You care about your spouse’s feelings and are dedicated to your relationship.