When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.
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When routine conversations suddenly turn toward upset and argument or a shutdown of detachment, a persistent emotional tenderness is often the cause. These emotional wounds and sensitivity remain in a relationship and can resurface under certain conditions, usually influencing interactions and conflict dynamics.
In Gottman’s research, ENDURING VULNERABITLIES refers to traits, past experiences, or characteristics that partners bring into the relationship that persist over time. These can include things like a history of trauma, attachment styles, or deeply ingrained habits. Successfully addressing these vulnerabilities requires understanding, empathy, and consistent communication.
The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA. It references past experiences in relationships, your family of origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.
For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years. When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. “
With the understanding from the Gottman Couple Research, these moments can also be continuous invitations for connection. These are not easy to navagate without understanding and practice, and learning from what doesn’t go well, and try again and again. Below are examples of couples with enduring vulnerabilities surfacing in their conversations, navigating them with loving understanding, awareness, and compassion:
Example 1: Navigating Insecurity About Affection
Context: Sarah feels insecure about whether her partner, James, loves her as much as she loves him. She has an enduring vulnerability stemming from childhood neglect.
Conversation:
Sarah: "Sometimes, when you don’t say ‘I love you’ before bed, I worry that you’re upset with me or that I’ve done something wrong. I know it’s probably silly, but I just wanted to share."
James: (Pauses to consider her feelings) "That’s not silly. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way—I love you so much. I’ll say it more because it’s important to you."
Sarah: "Thank you for understanding. I know it’s my insecurity talking, and I appreciate your patience with me."
Example 2: Coping with a Fear of Conflict
Context: Alex grew up in a home where conflict was loud and destructive, and they now struggle to address disagreements with their partner, Taylor.
Conversation:
Taylor: "I noticed that when we disagree about plans, you tend to withdraw. Can we talk about that?"
Alex: "Yeah... I guess I’ve always been afraid of arguments spiraling out of control. Growing up, fights were terrifying for me."
Taylor: "That makes sense. I want you to feel safe with me. How can I make it easier for you when we work through something?"
Alex: "Maybe we could agree to keep our voices calm and take breaks if it gets too tense? That would help a lot."
Taylor: "Absolutely. I want us to handle disagreements in a way that feels safe for both of us."
Example 3: Dealing with Financial Anxiety
Context: Mia has a history of financial instability and often feels anxious about spending money, even though her partner, Ryan, is more financially secure and relaxed about it.
Conversation:
Mia: "I noticed I’ve been snapping at you whenever we talk about buying something for the house. I think it’s because I get anxious about money—I’ve always struggled.”
Ryan: "I can see that. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting you. I want to help ease that stress. Do you think we could set a budget together?"
Mia: "That would help a lot. Knowing we’re on the same page makes me feel more secure."
Ryan: "We’re a team. Let’s figure this out together."
Fundamental Gottman Principles in Action:
When enduring vulnerabilities in both partners are discovered, named compassionately, understood, and accepted, these Gottman Principles can help manage them when they surface. Instead of feeling defeated, you can feel closer by skilfully accepting and working with them:
Turning Toward: Both partners respond with empathy rather than defensiveness or dismissal.
Positive Sentiment Override: The partners assume goodwill and express appreciation for each other’s efforts.
Shared Meaning: They work together to create a plan or understanding that supports both partners’ needs.
These conversations show how couples can engage with enduring vulnerabilities in a way that strengthens their trust, connection, and bond.