Intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t seem otherwise require it? Does your partner sometimes suddenly get intense over things that don’t seem to be that problematic?
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When routine conversations suddenly turn toward upset and argument or a shutdown of detachment, a persistent emotional tenderness is often the cause. These emotional wounds and sensitivity remain in a relationship and can resurface under certain conditions, usually influencing interactions and conflict dynamics.
In Gottman’s research, ENDURING VULNERABITLIES refers to traits, past experiences, or characteristics that partners bring into the relationship that persist over time. These can include things like a history of trauma, attachment styles, or deeply ingrained habits. Successfully addressing these vulnerabilities requires understanding, empathy, and consistent communication.
Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney coined the term “enduring vulnerability” at UCLA. It references past experiences in relationships, your family of origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.
For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years. When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame.
With the understanding from the Gottman Couple Research, these moments can also be continuous invitations for connection. These are difficult to navigate without understanding and practicing, learning from what doesn’t go well, and repeatedly trying. Below are examples of couples with enduring vulnerabilities surfacing in their conversations, navigating them with loving understanding, awareness, and compassion:
Example 1: Navigating Insecurity About Affection
Context: Sarah feels insecure about whether her partner, James, loves her as much as she loves him. She has an enduring vulnerability stemming from childhood neglect.
Conversation:
Sarah: "Sometimes, when you don’t say ‘I love you’ before bed, I worry that you’re upset with me or that I’ve done something wrong. I know it’s probably silly, but I just wanted to share."
James: (Pauses to consider her feelings) "That’s not silly. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way—I love you so much. I’ll say it more because it’s important to you."
Sarah: "Thank you for understanding. I know it’s my insecurity talking, and I appreciate your patience with me."
Example 2: Coping with a Fear of Conflict
Context: Alex grew up in a home where conflict was loud and destructive, and they now struggle to address disagreements with their partner, Taylor.
Conversation:
Taylor: "I noticed that when we disagree about plans, you tend to withdraw. Can we talk about that?"
Alex: "Yeah... I guess I’ve always been afraid of arguments spiraling out of control. Growing up, fights were terrifying for me."
Taylor: "That makes sense. I want you to feel safe with me. How can I make it easier for you when we work through something?"
Alex: "Maybe we could agree to keep our voices calm and take breaks if it gets too tense? That would help a lot."
Taylor: "Absolutely. I want us to handle disagreements in a way that feels safe for both of us."
Example 3: Dealing with Financial Anxiety
Context: Mia has a history of financial instability and often feels anxious about spending money, even though her partner, Ryan, is more financially secure and relaxed about it.
Conversation:
Mia: "I noticed I’ve been snapping at you whenever we talk about buying something for the house. I think it’s because I get anxious about money—I’ve always struggled.”
Ryan: "I can see that. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting you. I want to help ease that stress. Do you think we could set a budget together?"
Mia: "That would help a lot. Knowing we’re on the same page makes me feel more secure."
Ryan: "We’re a team. Let’s figure this out together."
Fundamental Gottman Principles in Action:
When enduring vulnerabilities in both partners are discovered, named compassionately, understood, and accepted, these Gottman Principles can help manage them when they surface. Instead of feeling defeated, you can feel closer by skilfully accepting and working with them:
Turning Toward: Both partners respond with empathy rather than defensiveness or dismissal.
Positive Sentiment Override: The partners assume goodwill and express appreciation for each other’s efforts.
Shared Meaning: They work together to create a plan or understanding that supports both partners’ needs.
These conversations show how couples can engage with enduring vulnerabilities in a way that strengthens their trust, connection, and bond.
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1. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Fear of abandonment
Response: "I’m here with you, and I’m not going anywhere."
Why: Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) emphasizes creating a secure bond. This response addresses the deep fear of being left behind and reinforces the safety and stability of the relationship.
2. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Feeling invalidated
Response: "I hear you, and your feelings make sense to me. I want to understand more about what you’re feeling."
Why: Gottman’s research on attunement shows that validation helps soothe emotional triggers and rebuilds trust by showing empathy and active listening.
3. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Shame from past mistakes or criticism
Response: "You don’t have to be perfect. I love you just as you are."
Why: This taps into Sue Johnson’s idea of creating emotional safety, where unconditional acceptance can help dissolve feelings of shame and promote healing.
4. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Betrayal or broken trust
Response: "I understand why this is so painful for you. I will do everything I can to make you feel safe with me."
Why: Both Gottman and Johnson stress the importance of repair in building trust. Acknowledging the hurt and expressing commitment to repair helps alleviate the emotional intensity.
5. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Feeling unheard or unseen
Response: "What you’re saying is really important to me. Let’s take the time to talk about this fully."
Why: Gottman’s concept of turning toward your partner builds emotional connection. This response signals attentiveness and willingness to prioritize their needs.
6. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Fear of conflict escalating
Response: "We’re on the same team, and I’m not against you. Let’s work through this together."
Why: This aligns with Gottman’s emphasis on softening startup and de-escalating conflict. It reassures your partner that you’re collaborating, not competing.
7. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Feeling unworthy of love
Response: "You are so important to me, and I’m lucky to have you in my life."
Why: Johnson’s EFT highlights the need to affirm love and value. This response combats feelings of unworthiness and reinforces the emotional bond.
8. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Anxiety about being judged or criticized
Response: "I’m not here to judge you. I want to support you in whatever you’re feeling."
Why: This aligns with Gottman’s advice to avoid defensiveness and criticism. Offering nonjudgmental support fosters safety and emotional closeness.
9. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Memories of neglect or emotional unavailability
Response: "I see how painful this is for you. I’m here, and I want to give you what you need."
Why: Sue Johnson’s work stresses responsiveness in moments of vulnerability. Being present and attentive helps counteract past experiences of neglect.
10. Emotional Vulnerability Trigger: Fear of failure or not being enough
Response: "You’re more than enough for me, and I’m proud of everything you do."
Why: This addresses the deep-seated fear of inadequacy and provides affirmation, which both Gottman and Johnson identify as essential for emotional connection and security.
Why These Responses Work
Emotional Accessibility: Both Gottman and Johnson emphasize the importance of being emotionally available during moments of distress.
Validation: Acknowledging your partner’s feelings without judgment or minimization fosters a sense of safety.
Repair Attempts: Effective responses provide an opportunity to heal wounds from past experiences.
Reassurance: Repeatedly affirming commitment and love helps mitigate the long-term effects of enduring vulnerabilities.
These approaches promote emotional intimacy and create a secure foundation, helping partners heal from past wounds while building a resilient connection.