QUESTION: How do you talk to your partner when YOU want a separation and THEY don't?!
Don: Remember that they will be in shock and not remember much of what you say.
Don't expect them to be reasonable. You most likely have been chewing on this decision for quite a while, and they either didn't know that or have not taken you seriously. No matter how you say it, they will be shocked when you voice your desire or decision. Most likely, they will go into denial, try to discredit your reasons, and plead with you not to go forward in that direction.
DO convey that you know what you are asking for may be unexpected and that you want them to have at least a little time to digest what is happening.
Don't rush them. Don't push your desire for separation aside; just slow down your responses. You are ahead of your spouse in processing your feelings about what is happening.
DO expect them to bring up the children if this applies. Of course, discussing the children is essential, but first things first. First, space and time are needed to digest what is asked or decided upon.
Don't expect your fantasies of how you see things happening or the care of your children during the separation or divorce to be accurate. You have been planning this in your imagination for some time. You love your children, but you will only have 50% say about their care during a separation or divorce. In most situations, you have more influence over their care when not separating and not divorcing. This is not a reason to not separate, however. This is a reason for you to slow down now and realize that the other voice in the marriage is not in your head but coming from another real person, your spouse. The conversation might also shock you, another good reason to slow down. In this stage, say less and not more.
DO define the reason for the separation that you are proposing. Is it to cool things down so you can get into a calmer place to see if the marriage can be renewed on new emotional terms? Is it to prepare for a divorce? There are no rules that come with a separation. You and your spouse must develop them together. Issues to be considered include living arrangements, child time spent with each parent, financial access and needs, and whether you will date others. If the separation consists of dating others, it is doubtful that your marriage can be renewed.
DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position. Often, the conversation goes like this: One spouse says, "The people I talk to are saying you are going through a hard time and that the marriage is worth saving." The other spouse retorts, "The people I am talking with say they can understand why I want to separate and are amazed that we stayed together this long." Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she wants to leave you. You have done things that have made it hard on them for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint. It is that viewpoint that they make their decisions from. By the time a couple discusses separation they are already treating each other badly for a long time, and you are acting in ways toward them that even you don’t like about yourself.
A series of short conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks. Take breaks often. Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0-the lowest and ten the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly." Do NOT say, “I think you need a break.” The last words you say will be the ones your spouse remembers, so be sure to end with, "I will get back to you shortly." You will not have one extensive conversation. You will have many shorter ones and some much longer ones in the coming days because no one can think well when the intensity exceeds seven on the emotional intensity meter.
DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break." Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.
After a break, find something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that." PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE. If not, could you correct it with your spouse later? Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This dignity helps you start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but only expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness once it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.
DO try to compromise. A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.
DON'T appease. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise, where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse. They will not feel they owe you anything at this point. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the eve of separation.
DON'T LIE. All people lie. Now is not the time. Please be honest or say nothing until you are ready. A common thing people say when wanting to separate is, "I no longer feel like myself in this relationship." The only way to "feel like yourself" is by being genuine and honest about your feelings and thoughts. When you tune out of your relationship or are constantly resentful, you are tuning out of your relationship to yourself. Asking for a separation can feel rejuvenating, though painful, because you are starting to be honest with your partner again.
DO be prepared for a squadron of friends and family to bombard you with advice. It is best to remember that everyone cares and everyone is scared. Try to reduce upsetting conversations with extended family members. Tell them that this is between you and your spouse and that you understand that everyone is concerned. You have enough on your plate to handle as it is.
DON'T broadcast your feelings or what is going on with your spouse to your children. Try to keep these conversations away from children. If you decide upon a separation, try to get to a point of action before you tell them. This is hard and can't always be done, but try for everyone's sake.
Do remember that actions or actions got you to this point, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how serious you are by your actions, not the imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away. Real actions with real people make them take you more seriously than anything you can say.
Patience is key. DON’T broadcast or campaign on social media. Be cautious about discussing the situation with your spouse by text and email. This can often lead to confusion and hurt because there is no human context to read the messages. Sharing only factual information works best, but emotional things tend to make matters worse. Control your impulses by waiting until calm before clicking the send button. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is fewer than 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses. Patience will keep you calm and collected.
Marriage and Individual counseling can benefit needs, wants, wishes, and reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest, no matter the direction, allows you to start liking yourself again.