An unhappy marriage can make you sick

The Gottman Marriage Research data shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems.

The Gottmans discovered four behaviors couples display toward each other that can result in unhappiness and more illness, especially CONTEMPT, which is also the most significant predictor of divorce.

Here are four behaviors and their antidotes.

Each of them is actually a desperate cry for help:

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than focusing on a specific behavior. Instead of offering constructive feedback, criticism often involves blaming, generalizing, and using words like "always" or "never."

   Example: "You never listen to me! You're always so selfish."

   Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
   Instead of attacking your partner's character or personality, express your feelings using "I" statements and describe the situation without blame. Focus on what you need or want, not on what your partner did wrong.

   • Example: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard and would like to have a more meaningful conversation."

2. Defensiveness: Responding to your partner's concerns or complaints with excuses, counter-attacks, or playing the victim. This behavior prevents effective communication and resolution of issues by shifting blame rather than addressing the problem.

   Example: "It’s not my fault we’re late. You’re the one who took forever to get ready."

Antidote: Take Responsibility
Instead of meeting criticism with defensiveness, which often escalates conflict, take responsibility for even a small part of the problem. This can de-escalate the situation and lead to more productive conversations.

• Example: Instead of saying, "It's not my fault we’re late; you were the one who took forever," try, "I should have started getting ready earlier."

3. Contempt: Showing a lack of respect for your partner, often through sarcasm, mocking, or body language like eye-rolling. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disgust, which can be highly damaging to a relationship.

Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Contempt involves attacking your partner's sense of self, intending to insult or psychologically harm. The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and show respect by acknowledging and expressing gratitude for your partner's positive actions and qualities.

• Example: Regularly express appreciation, like saying, "I appreciate how you handled that situation today."

  4. Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation or shutting down emotionally to avoid conflict or protect oneself from feeling overwhelmed. Stonewalling can make the other partner feel ignored and unimportant.

  Example: When one partner stops responding, gives one-word answers, or physically leaves the room during an argument.

  Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing
  Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down or refusing to engage. The antidote is to take a break and engage in self-soothing activities to calm down before returning to the discussion.

  • Example: If you feel overwhelmed, say, "I need a break to calm down; let's take 20 minutes and then talk."

These behaviors are considered destructive to relationships, and Gottman Therapy focuses on helping couples recognize and replace them with healthier communication patterns.

(Click here for the abstract of the study; note it is a dense read)