Resentment is a strong feeling that builds up when someone feels wronged or treated unfairly.
It often includes feelings like anger, bitterness, and lasting unhappiness toward the person who caused the hurt. In a marriage, resentment can grow if the issue isn't addressed, leading to deep feelings of anger and even disgust over time.
Disgust is an evolutionary response that helps humans avoid potential dangers, such as harmful foods or diseases, by triggering a strong aversion to anything perceived as threatening survival. This instinct can be misdirected in marriages, causing one partner to view the other as repulsive or unworthy, undermining intimacy and respect. When disgust enters a relationship, it can lead to dehumanization, making it difficult to resolve conflicts and maintain a healthy connection.
Disgust is a powerful emotion that can cause one to see the other as repulsive or unworthy of respect. This can lead to treating the other person as less than human, stripping away their dignity. When disgust takes over, it can justify harsh or cruel behavior, making it hard to feel empathy or repair the relationship.
Dehumanization, which is treating someone as less than human, can seriously harm both marriage partners and their families. As it develops and when not addressed productively, emotions grow into contempt. Contempt is a feeling of profound disrespect or disdain toward someone where the person is seen as inferior, unworthy, or beneath consideration. It involves a sense of superiority and often manifests in behaviors like mocking, sneering, or dismissing the other person’s opinions or needs.
Here’s how disgust and dehumanization can impact the relationship:
Loss of Respect: When one partner dehumanizes the other, they stop seeing them as an equal. This leads to a breakdown in respect, as the dehumanized partner is often treated more like an object than a person with feelings and needs.
Emotional and Psychological Harm: Being dehumanized can cause deep emotional pain. The person who is dehumanized may feel worthless, depressed, anxious, and lose their self-esteem, which can lead to long-term mental health problems.
Erosion of Communication: Good communication depends on understanding and valuing each other’s perspectives. Dehumanization breaks this down, as the dehumanizing partner may ignore or belittle the other’s feelings, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved issues.
Increase in Conflict and Aggression: Dehumanization often creates more conflict and aggression. When one partner sees the other as less than human, they may feel justified in acting aggressively, whether through harsh words, manipulation, or even violence. In military training, seeing the enemy as less than human is essential to training to kill or injure that enemy. As you can see, in a marriage, resentment can fester, which leads to a person justifying an array of dark actions toward someone they love.
How to loosen the grip of resentment and all of it’s elements?
John Gottman's research on marriage is highly influential and provides practical strategies for resolving relationship resentment. Here are key insights and steps based on his work:
1. Foster a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Positive Interactions: Gottman emphasizes the importance of maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Regularly expressing appreciation, respect, and love can counterbalance negative feelings.
Express Gratitude: Regularly acknowledge and express gratitude for your partner's efforts, even small ones. This builds a positive emotional bank account that can buffer against resentment.
2. Practice Effective Communication
Soft Start-Up: When bringing up issues, start the conversation gently and without blame. Harsh start-ups often lead to defensiveness and escalation, which can worsen resentment.
Active Listening: Ensure that both partners feel heard. This involves truly listening to your partner’s concerns without interrupting or planning your response while they are speaking.
3. Repair Attempts
Recognize and Accept Repair Attempts: These are efforts by one partner to de-escalate tension during a conflict. Recognizing and responding positively to these attempts can prevent resentment from building.
Humor and Affection: Introducing humor or affectionate gestures during conflicts can serve as effective repair attempts, helping to reduce tension and resentment.
4. Address Underlying Issues
Deep Conversations: Sometimes resentment stems from deeper, unresolved issues. Gottman suggests having open, honest conversations about underlying feelings and unmet needs.
Counseling and Support: Seeking the help of a therapist can be beneficial in working through deeper issues that are difficult to address on your own.
5. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding
Understand Each Other’s Perspective: Try to see situations from your partner's point of view. This can foster empathy and reduce feelings of resentment.
Avoid the Four Horsemen: Gottman identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the "Four Horsemen" that predict divorce. Replacing these with gentle communication, appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing techniques is crucial.
6. Forgiveness and Letting Go
Forgive Past Hurts: Holding onto past grievances fuels resentment. Gottman advises working towards forgiveness, which involves acknowledging hurt, empathizing with your partner, and deciding to let go.
Focus on the Future: Shift the focus from past wrongs to building a positive future together. This includes setting shared goals and dreams that both partners can work towards.
7. Self-Care and Stress Management
Manage Individual Stress: Sometimes, personal stress can exacerbate resentment. Both partners should engage in self-care practices to manage their stress levels, making it easier to approach the relationship with a clear mind.
Support Each Other’s Well-Being: Encourage and support each other’s efforts to engage in activities that reduce stress, such as hobbies, exercise, or spending time with friends.
Gottman's research highlights the importance of maintaining positive interactions, effective communication, empathy, and mutual respect to resolve and prevent resentment in marriage.