Here are 10 examples of how to “Start Softly” and avoid harsh start-ups in marital disagreements, incorporating insights from John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, and Stan Tatkin. Each example includes a “Done Badly” scenario, an explanation of its impact, a “Done Well” scenario, its benefits, and a quick repair strategy.
1. Discussing Feeling Ignored
Done Badly:
“You never listen to me! You only care about yourself!”
Explanation: This harsh start-up is accusatory and triggers defensiveness. It conveys contempt and criticism, undermining emotional safety.
Impact: Increases conflict intensity, leads to stonewalling or counter-attacks, and weakens trust.
Done Well:
“I feel unheard sometimes, and I’d like us to find a way to improve how we connect during conversations.”
Explanation: This approach is gentle, uses “I” statements, and expresses a need instead of a blame.
Impact: Invites collaboration and empathy, reducing defensiveness and encouraging constructive dialogue.
Quick Repair:
“I’m sorry I started that in a harsh way. Can we try again? I didn’t mean to accuse you—I just feel hurt and want to share that.”
2. Addressing Forgetfulness
Done Badly:
“You always forget important things! How could you forget again?”
Explanation: “Always” and “again” magnify criticism and imply the partner is inherently flawed.
Impact: Triggers defensiveness, shame, or withdrawal, escalating the issue instead of resolving it.
Done Well:
“I noticed the groceries didn’t get picked up, and I was really counting on that. Can we talk about how to handle these things next time?”
Explanation: Focuses on the specific behavior without attributing a pattern or intent to the partner.
Impact: Keeps the conversation calm and solutions-focused, promoting partnership over blame.
Quick Repair:
“I realize I came across as blaming. I’m sorry for that—I know it’s not intentional.”
3. Expressing Disappointment
Done Badly:
“You never care about what’s important to me!”
Explanation: Overgeneralizations like “never” increase defensiveness and hurt the partner’s sense of being valued.
Impact: Damages emotional connection and leads to feelings of rejection.
Done Well:
“I felt sad when my concern about the budget wasn’t acknowledged. Can we revisit this together?”
Explanation: Acknowledges emotions without blaming or labeling the partner’s character.
Impact: Opens the door to understanding and repair, enhancing emotional closeness.
Quick Repair:
“That wasn’t fair—I know you care. Let me start over.”
4. Setting Boundaries
Done Badly:
“I’m tired of you crossing my boundaries. Stop being so disrespectful!”
Explanation: Combines criticism with contempt, which Gottman identifies as highly corrosive to relationships.
Impact: Escalates conflict and erodes respect, making the partner feel attacked.
Done Well:
“I feel overwhelmed when my boundaries aren’t respected. Can we talk about how to approach this differently?”
Explanation: Uses calm, clear communication to assert a boundary without shaming the partner.
Impact: Encourages collaboration and fosters mutual respect.
Quick Repair:
“I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful. I want to have a respectful conversation about my needs.”
5. Sharing a Concern About Time Management
Done Badly:
“You’re always late! You clearly don’t value my time!”
Explanation: Attacks the partner’s character and motivation, escalating conflict.
Impact: Creates defensiveness and reduces the likelihood of constructive problem-solving.
Done Well:
“When plans run late, I feel stressed because I value time together. Can we talk about how to make this smoother?”
Explanation: Expresses feelings and needs without judgment, inviting a collaborative solution.
Impact: Builds understanding and teamwork while preserving emotional safety.
Quick Repair:
“I shouldn’t have said that so harshly. I’m sorry for blaming you—I just feel frustrated.”
6. Addressing Parenting Differences
Done Badly:
“You’re way too lenient! No wonder the kids act out!”
Explanation: Criticizes the partner’s parenting style, implying they’re inadequate or to blame.
Impact: Sparks defensiveness and resentment, potentially leading to disengagement.
Done Well:
“I feel unsure about how to handle discipline lately. Can we brainstorm some strategies together?”
Explanation: Frames the issue as shared and invites teamwork rather than blame.
Impact: Strengthens the co-parenting bond and models healthy conflict resolution.
Quick Repair:
“That came out wrong—I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this together.”
7. Bringing Up a Financial Issue
Done Badly:
“You’re terrible with money! Stop wasting it on useless things!”
Explanation: Personal attacks increase defensiveness and shame, halting productive dialogue.
Impact: Deepens financial stress and erodes trust in partnership.
Done Well:
“I’m feeling worried about our budget. Can we sit down and review it together?”
Explanation: Addresses the issue directly and calmly, fostering collaboration.
Impact: Builds trust and shared responsibility, reducing financial tension.
Quick Repair:
“I was too harsh. Let me rephrase—this is something I want us to tackle together.”
8. Handling Sexual Intimacy Concerns
Done Badly:
“You’re never interested in sex anymore. What’s wrong with you?”
Explanation: Creates shame and pressure, increasing emotional and physical distance.
Impact: Damages intimacy and emotional safety, leading to resentment.
Done Well:
“I’ve noticed we’ve been less intimate, and I miss that connection. Can we talk about how you’re feeling?”
Explanation: Expresses vulnerability and curiosity, promoting emotional closeness.
Impact: Creates a safe space for addressing intimacy concerns without blame.
Quick Repair:
“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Let’s talk about this in a way that feels safe for both of us.”
9. Resolving Household Chores Conflict
Done Badly:
“You never help around the house! I have to do everything!”
Explanation: Accusatory language leads to defensiveness and fails to resolve the issue.
Impact: Reinforces feelings of inequity and resentment.
Done Well:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with housework and could use more help. Can we divide things differently?”
Explanation: Shares feelings and invites a partnership in problem-solving.
Impact: Encourages collaboration and reduces feelings of burden.
Quick Repair:
“I’m sorry I came across as critical—I know you contribute. Let’s work this out together.”
10. Managing Extended Family Tensions
Done Badly:
“Your family is so controlling! Why don’t you ever stand up to them?”
Explanation: Criticizes both the partner and their family, creating a defensive reaction.
Impact: Increases loyalty conflicts and emotional distance.
Done Well:
“I feel stressed when we navigate family issues. Can we discuss how to handle this together?”
Explanation: Focuses on shared concerns and problem-solving rather than assigning blame.
Impact: Fosters teamwork and strengthens emotional intimacy.
Quick Repair:
“That wasn’t fair of me to criticize your family or you. I want to approach this as a team.”
These strategies align with research on the importance of emotional safety, repair, and constructive communication in relationships. They help de-escalate conflict, foster trust, and maintain intimacy.
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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California