Masking, or presenting a curated version of oneself in social situations, can be a helpful survival tool. It also can become a barrier to authentic connection. In relationships, social interactions, and even during transitions like divorce, masking serves a dual purpose: it can protect vulnerability. Still, it may also obscure one's true feelings and thoughts about life when overused. Exploring this dynamic through the lens of relationship and emotional health experts like John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, Ph.D., Murry Bowen, and Stan Tatkin provides a nuanced understanding of its necessity and limits.
Masking as a Tool, Not an Identity
In many social situations, masking is a tool to navigate complex emotional landscapes. For example, during a divorce, an individual may suppress raw emotions to maintain civility or protect children from unnecessary distress. Similarly, masking allows people to engage in professional or social settings where vulnerability might feel unsafe. However, as the Gottmans emphasize in their research on trust and intimacy, masking must be balanced with moments of authentic vulnerability to build and maintain connection. Masking becomes problematic when it is habitual, leading to disconnection from one’s inner emotional truths and others. It can cause heightened anxiety and exhaustion as a necessary consequence.
Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) highlights how vulnerability in safe relationships fosters deeper connections. A person who has masked extensively might feel disconnected from their own reality, but safe emotional spaces—often cultivated in therapy or with trusted loved ones—can help restore authenticity. Stan Tatkin’s emphasis on understanding nervous system responses in relationships underscores the role of safety in shedding masks. When individuals feel secure, their nervous systems shift from a protective stance to openness, allowing them to express themselves, reduce anxiety, and feel a connectedness, belonging, that soothes and strengthens.
Masking vs. Lying
While masking involves presenting a filtered version of oneself, it differs from lying. Lying involves an intentional misrepresentation of truth, often to deceive. Conversely, masking can stem from a need to protect oneself or manage social dynamics. For example, an individual might mask their sadness at a social gathering to avoid uncomfortable questions. In contrast, lying involves fabricating a story about why they behave a certain way.
David Schnarch’s concept of differentiation helps illustrate this distinction. Differentiation involves balancing the need for self-expression with the ability to maintain emotional independence. When individuals mask excessively to gain approval or avoid conflict, they risk losing differentiation. Contrastingly, selective masking, guided by self-awareness and intention, can help individuals navigate complex situations without compromising integrity.
Degrees of Honesty and Integrity
Life’s complexity defies all-or-nothing solutions. Absolute attitudes, such as always telling the full truth or entirely suppressing emotions, often promote denial or create conditions for dishonesty. Murry Bowen’s family systems theory suggests that emotional health thrives in the tension between individuality and connection. Degrees of honesty allow people to express themselves authentically while considering the relational dynamics at play.
For instance, sharing every unfiltered emotion might escalate tensions in a high-conflict divorce, whereas measured honesty can foster cooperation. Similarly, masking in friendships can serve a relational purpose, such as maintaining harmony during temporary conflicts. However, chronic masking in close relationships risks eroding trust, as true intimacy requires mutual understanding and authenticity.
Restoring Authenticity Through Vulnerability
When individuals lose their sense of self through excessive masking, restoration begins with vulnerability in safe emotional environments. Whether through therapy, as highlighted by Sue Johnson and Ellyn Bader, or in secure relationships, as emphasized by Stan Tatkin, vulnerability helps individuals reconnect with their emotions and needs. This process requires courage and a supportive context, as revealing one’s true self, what you really think and feel about things, can feel risky after prolonged masking.
Masking And Exhaustion
Masking, while often a necessary social tool, requires significant emotional and mental energy. Constantly monitoring one’s behavior, words, and emotions to fit into expected norms or avoid vulnerability can feel like running a mental marathon. For neurodivergent individuals, those navigating high-conflict relationships, or anyone coping with social anxiety, the energy output can be incredibly taxing. Each interaction may involve carefully crafting responses, suppressing authentic feelings, and interpreting subtle social cues—tasks that drain cognitive resources and emotional reserves. This expenditure often leaves individuals feeling mentally and physically fatigued after prolonged masking.
Over time, chronic masking can lead to emotional exhaustion, emotional crash, and even burnout. Constantly suppressing one’s true feelings creates an internal conflict, as authenticity is stifled to meet external expectations. This misalignment can erode a person’s sense of identity, leaving them disconnected and ungrounded. Moreover, maintaining a façade can take a toll on physical health, contributing to symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, respiratory-heart concerns and muscle tension. To restore balance, it’s essential to create safe spaces where masking can be set aside, allowing vulnerability and authenticity to replenish the energy lost in maintaining the mask.
Conclusion
Masking, when used as a tool, helps navigate the complexities of life while maintaining social harmony and protecting vulnerability. However, over-reliance on masking can lead to losing authenticity, undermining relationships and personal well-being. By embracing degrees of honesty and integrity, individuals can more skillfully navigate complex situations while preserving their true thoughts and feelings. Restoring authenticity is possible through safe emotional connections, where vulnerability fosters healing and self-discovery.
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•Don Elium, MA MFT•
925 256-8282 phone/text
• Northern and Southern California TeleHealth Counseling Sessions •
Don@don-elium-psychotherapy.com