The Gottman Speaker-Listener Exercise:
A Simple Way to Talk and Listen Better
Talking to someone you care about should feel easy, but sometimes, it’s really hard. Have you ever tried to share your feelings, but the other person interrupts, doesn’t really listen, or gets mad? Or maybe you’ve been the one getting frustrated, wanting to jump in with your own thoughts instead of waiting your turn? That’s where the Gottman Speaker-Listener Exercise comes in.
This exercise is a simple way to take turns talking and listening so that both people feel heard. But it’s more than just good manners—it actually changes how your brain works. When done well, it helps your brain stay calm and focused, making it easier to solve problems. When done badly, it can make your brain feel like it’s under attack, leading to frustration and stress.
How Your Brain Reacts to Good and Bad Conversations
Your brain has different parts that help you understand and respond to people. The prefrontal cortex is like the captain of a ship—it helps you think clearly, stay calm, and make good choices. When you do the Speaker-Listener Exercise the right way, this part of your brain stays in charge. That means you can focus on what the other person is saying instead of thinking about what you want to say next.
But if you don’t listen well, another part of your brain called the amygdala can take over. The amygdala’s job is to keep you safe from danger, but it can’t tell the difference between a real threat (like a bear chasing you) and an argument with someone you love. If your amygdala takes control during a conversation, you might start feeling defensive, shutting down, or getting angry instead of truly listening.
When both people in a conversation feel frustrated, their amygdalas send out warning signals, making it hard to stay calm. This can cause the body to release cortisol, a stress hormone that makes arguments feel worse. But when both people feel heard, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, which help them feel safe and connected. This is why good conversations bring people closer, while bad ones push them apart.
Step-by-Step: How to Do the Speaker-Listener Exercise
Step 1: Pick a Good Time to Talk
Find a time when you’re both calm and not too busy. If one of you is tired, hungry, or upset about something else, wait until you feel better. Your brain needs to be in a good state to listen well.
Step 2: Choose Who Will Be the Speaker and Who Will Be the Listener
• One person is the Speaker and gets to share their thoughts.
• The other person is the Listener, whose job is to listen and make sure they understand what the Speaker is saying.
Important rule: The Listener does NOT talk about their own thoughts yet. They only focus on understanding the Speaker.
Step 3: The Speaker Talks
• Speak clearly and kindly about what you’re feeling.
• Use “I” statements instead of blaming the other person.
• ✅ Good Example: “I feel sad when I don’t get a hug after work.”
• ❌ Not So Good: “You never give me a hug after work, and it’s so rude.”
• Say one thought at a time so the Listener doesn’t get overwhelmed.
When you speak this way, it helps the Listener’s prefrontal cortex stay engaged, which keeps them calm and focused instead of defensive.
Step 4: The Listener Repeats What They Heard
• The Listener paraphrases what they heard, but in their own words.
• Speaker: “I feel sad when I don’t get a hug after work.”
• Listener: “You feel sad because hugs after work help you feel loved?”
• If the Listener doesn’t get it quite right, the Speaker can gently correct them.
• The Listener does NOT give their opinion yet! They only make sure they understand the Speaker’s words.
This step is important because it helps the Speaker feel safe and heard. When someone knows they are being understood, their brain releases oxytocin, which is the same chemical that makes people feel loved and connected.
Step 5: Switch Roles
Once the Speaker feels understood, switch! The Listener now becomes the Speaker, and the first Speaker becomes the Listener.
By switching roles, both people get a chance to talk and listen without rushing or interrupting. This teaches the brain to focus on understanding first, instead of just reacting.
What to Do If the Exercise Goes Badly
Even the best listeners get distracted sometimes. And even the best speakers can get emotional. That’s okay! What matters is learning how to get back on track when things go wrong.
How to Recover When Things Go Wrong
1. Pause and Take a Breath – If voices start rising or emotions get too strong, stop for a second. A deep breath can help your prefrontal cortex regain control and calm your amygdala.
2. Call a Time-Out (If Needed) – If things are getting heated, take a 10- to 20-minute break. Say something like:
• “I want to keep talking, but I need a short break to cool down.”
3. Apologize for Interrupting or Getting Defensive – If you realize you didn’t listen well, own it.
• “I’m sorry—I wasn’t really listening just now. Let me try again.”
4. Gently Point Out the Issue – If the other person interrupts or jumps to conclusions, calmly say:
• “Can we slow down? I just want to feel heard before we move on.”
5. Go Back to the Steps – Restart the exercise from where you left off and try again, making sure each person takes turns.
Example of a Recovery in Action:
• Speaker: “I feel ignored when you don’t ask how my day was.”
• Listener (interrupting): “Well, I was busy too!”
• (Pause – Listener takes a breath and resets.)
• Listener: “Wait, I didn’t listen the right way. Let me try again. You feel ignored when I don’t check in with you?”
• Speaker: “Yes, exactly.”
When you apologize or take a pause, remember to acknowledge the effort:
• “I appreciate you listening to me. Let’s keep trying together.”
Small moments of gratitude strengthen trust and make future conversations easier.
Why This Exercise is Like Training Your Brain
Just like practicing a sport makes your muscles stronger, practicing this kind of communication makes your brain better at listening and understanding. The more you do it, the easier it becomes to have calm, meaningful conversations, even about hard topics.
If you do this exercise regularly, your brain actually starts changing.
You’ll find it easier to:
✅ Stay calm in hard conversations.
✅ Listen with patience.
✅ Express yourself clearly.
✅ Solve problems without fighting.
Recovering well doesn’t just fix today’s conversation—it teaches your brain to trust that mistakes can be repaired. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to stay connected, even during hard conversations.