Book Summary
Joshua Coleman’s Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict delves into the painful reality of family estrangement, particularly between parents and their adult children. Coleman explores the myriad reasons these rifts occur, including unresolved childhood trauma, shifting cultural norms, differing values, and a heightened focus on boundaries by younger generations. He offers a compassionate yet honest look at the role parents often play in these dynamics, emphasizing the need for self-reflection and accountability. Through research, personal anecdotes, and stories from his clinical practice, Coleman paints a picture of estrangement not as an isolated phenomenon but as a growing and complex issue influenced by societal and interpersonal changes.
The book provides actionable steps for parents seeking reconciliation, emphasizing humility, active listening, and respect for their adult child’s autonomy. Coleman cautions against pressuring for quick resolutions and advises building trust incrementally by acknowledging past mistakes and offering meaningful apologies. He also addresses the profound grief and loss parents feel in these situations, offering strategies for coping and moving forward even when reconciliation seems unlikely. Ultimately, Coleman frames estrangement as an opportunity for growth and healing for both parties, encouraging parents to focus on what they can control: their own behavior and willingness to change.
Note: Radical Acceptance is a psychological concept rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that involves fully and completely accepting a situation as it is, without resistance or judgment, even when it is painful or undesirable. It does not mean agreeing with or approving the situation but recognizing reality to reduce suffering caused by denial, anger, or frustration. By embracing what cannot be changed, Radical Acceptance allows individuals to focus their energy on what they can control, fostering emotional balance, resilience, and peace of mind in the face of challenging circumstances.