Don: Respectfully.
DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position.
Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established dynamic point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she/he wants to leave you. You have treated her/him badly for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint, realizing there is always something to take seriously about yourself.
Remember that a series of shorter conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks.
Could you take breaks often? Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0 to the lowest and 10 to the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly."
DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break." Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.
After a break, DO by finding something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that." PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE. If not, correct it with your spouse later. Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This builds the dignity you need to be able to start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but don't expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness until it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.
Don't over-promise and under-deliver. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse later. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the brink of separation.
Try to compromise where reasonable. A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.
BEST NOT TO SAY, "I WILL DO ANYTHING." You won't. The promise was made in the past, but it won’t be anymore. If a separation is inevitable, you can only change yourself. It is your actions that your spouse is tracking more than your words.
TO BE TRUTHFUL, DON’T LIE. All people lie in some situations. Not in all conditions; however, now is not the time. That is most likely an essential ingredient of how you got yourself to this point-
: lying to yourself and your partner. Instead of trying to be liked, try being as honest, sincere, and authentic as possible. You are only yourself when you are honest, first with yourself, then with your partner. You don't like yourself when you, or anyone, lie. The more you get away from how you think and try to manipulate others, the less you feel like yourself. Marriage is one of the most challenging relationships you will ever have because the emotionally committed relationship forces the truth out of us sooner or later. That is why some couples improve their marriage with separation or, on the doorstep of these, they have a courthouse: they start being honest, first with themselves and then with their partners.
Don’t form a squadron of friends and family and bombard your spouse with advice. YOUR SPOUSE IS ALREADY OVERWHELMED. This will only push them to become entrenched in their viewpoint and push you to dig deeper into yours.
Keep these conversations away from any children. If you decide upon a separation, try to reach a point of action before you tell them. This is hard and cannot be done, but try for everyone.
DO remember that ACTIONS or INACTIONS got you here, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how much you care by your ACTIONS or INACTIONS. Not by your imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away.
Control your impulses incredibly late at night? No Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube announcements or reactions. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is under 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses.
Marriage and individual counseling can be beneficial regarding needs, wants, wishes, and the reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest and sorting out the emotional waves no matter what direction your situation takes allows you to start liking your mature person again. Only then can you really like anyone else.