Shame is a universal human emotion deeply embedded in our evolutionary and social wiring. It serves a dual purpose as a guide to moral behavior and a potential source of harm when misplaced or magnified. Understanding the difference between necessary and unnecessary shame can help us navigate this emotion in our relationships and personal growth.
Necessary shame arises when we violate our own values or harm others, serving as a natural corrective. It prompts reflection, accountability, and a desire to restore balance. Without it, our relationships and communities might lack empathy, honesty, and moral direction.
10 Examples of Necessary Shame:
1. Breaking a promise to a close friend and recognizing the breach in trust (Gottman: repair through turning toward the relationship).
2. Speaking harshly to your partner in anger and later feeling remorse for the harm caused (Sue Johnson: rebuilding trust through emotional attunement).
3. Failing to meet a professional obligation and realizing it impacted a colleague’s work (Ellyn Bader: owning your role in relational systems).
4. Betraying a partner’s trust by keeping a secret (David Schnarch: confronting personal integrity).
5. Ignoring a child’s emotional needs and realizing the long-term effects (Stan Tatkin: the importance of secure functioning).
6. Acting insensitively toward a grieving friend and later understanding their pain (Grief Recovery Method: emotional honesty in relationships).
7. Failing to contribute equally to a shared responsibility at home (Murry Bowen: acknowledging interdependence in family systems).
8. Mocking someone’s vulnerability and realizing it was rooted in your own insecurities (Bateman: exploring shame’s adaptive roots).
9. Lying to avoid accountability and later facing the consequences (Gottman: reestablishing trust through openness).
10. Neglecting self-care to the detriment of your well-being and relationships (Sue Johnson: self-compassion as part of secure bonding).
How to Address Necessary Shame:
• Acknowledge it: Name the action and its impact.
• Apologize authentically: Offer a sincere, non-defensive apology.
• Make amends: Take corrective action to repair the harm.
• Learn and grow: Reflect on the values violated and how to uphold them moving forward.
Unnecessary shame stems from internalized societal messages, unresolved trauma, or harsh self-criticism. It often exaggerates mistakes, isolates individuals, and undermines self-esteem. It is rarely productive and can perpetuate cycles of insecurity and fear.
10 Examples of Unnecessary Shame:
1. Feeling ashamed for needing help with mental health (Gottman: reducing stigma by normalizing vulnerability).
2. Blaming yourself for a relationship breakdown that wasn’t entirely your fault (Sue Johnson: unpacking emotional wounds in secure connections).
3. Experiencing shame over a physical or learning disability (Ellyn Bader: challenging systemic beliefs about worth).
4. Internalizing guilt for a partner’s infidelity (David Schnarch: rejecting false responsibility).
5. Feeling unworthy after losing a job, even when it wasn’t personal (Stan Tatkin: recognizing external factors).
6. Being ashamed of grieving “too long” or in a way others don’t understand (Grief Recovery Method: honoring individual grief processes).
7. Hiding emotions because you fear being labeled as “too sensitive” (Bateman: dismantling societal pressures around emotional expression).
8. Feeling shame for setting healthy boundaries in toxic relationships (Bowen: understanding differentiation and self-respect).
9. Berating yourself for small mistakes due to perfectionism (Sue Johnson: fostering self-compassion in attachment relationships).
10. Carrying shame from childhood for parental criticism or neglect (Stan Tatkin: reframing early experiences through secure attachment).
How to Address Unnecessary Shame:
• Identify its origin: Trace the source of the shame (family, society, or trauma).
• Challenge distorted beliefs: Question whether the shame is justified or exaggerated.
• Seek external validation: Lean on trusted relationships for perspective and support.
• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.
• Engage in corrective experiences: Revisit old wounds with new, healing interactions.
Tools and Techniques
To manage shame effectively, consider the following evidence-based approaches:
1. Gottman’s Repair Techniques: In moments of relational shame, prioritize repair attempts like empathetic listening and affection.
2. Sue Johnson’s Emotional Attunement: Practice identifying and validating the emotions underlying shame to create a connection.
3. Ellyn Bader’s Developmental Lens: Understand shame as part of relational growth and address it within the context of relationship dynamics.
4. Schnarch’s Crucible Approach: Use shame to guide personal integrity and emotional maturity.
5. Bowen’s Differentiation: Balance autonomy and connection by resisting societal pressure to conform.
6. Tatkin’s Secure Functioning: Focus on creating a safe relational environment where shame is minimized.
7. Grief Recovery Method: Address unresolved grief that contributes to unnecessary shame and free yourself from its grip.
Therefore
Whether necessary or unnecessary, shame can profoundly shape our lives and relationships. Necessary shame is a compass for moral behavior and relational repair, while unnecessary shame often limits our potential and disconnects us from others. By recognizing the type of shame we experience and addressing it with tools like self-compassion, emotional attunement, and secure connections, we can transform shame from a paralyzing force into a catalyst for growth.
When shame is met with understanding and courage, it no longer defines us—it guides us toward healing and authenticity.
——-
Gratitude for Sources: Drawing from the works of John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, Stan Tatkin, Gregory Bateman, and the Grief Recovery Method, this article unpacks how shame operates and offers actionable strategies for managing both its constructive and destructive aspects.