Here are 10 examples of how couples can shift from poorly expressed CRITICISM about disagreements to constructive COMPLANT delivery, done well.
According to John Gottman's research, the distinction between a criticism and a complaint lies in the nature and tone of the expression.
A COMPLANT focuses on a specific behavior or expresses how it affects the individual, often framed constructively (e.g., "I feel upset when you don’t help with the dishes").
In contrast, criticism attacks the other person's character or personality, generalizing their behavior and often using "you" statements that imply personal flaws (e.g., "You never help around the house; you’re so lazy").
This fundamental difference is significant because while COMPLANT can foster healthy discussion and understanding, CRITICISMS can lead to defensiveness and conflict, potentially damaging the relationship over time.
10 Examples
Each example includes a “done badly” scenario, an explanation of why it fails, its impact, and a “done well” alternative with its rationale and positive effects.
1. Forgetting Special Dates
• Done Badly: “You’re so inconsiderate. You didn’t even remember our anniversary. Do you even care about me?”
• Why It Fails: This attack focuses on the partner’s character (“inconsiderate”) and assumes neglect without room for explanation.
• Impact: The partner may feel defensive or resentful, leading to emotional distance.
• Done Well: “I felt hurt when our anniversary passed without acknowledgment. This day means a lot to me, and I’d like us to celebrate it together.”
• Why It Works: The focus is on the speaker’s feelings and needs rather than accusations, inviting collaboration.
• Impact: Encourages empathy and mutual problem-solving, strengthening emotional connection.
Quick Repair:
“I realize I was too harsh. What I really meant is that this day is important to me, and I’d like us to celebrate it together.”
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2. Dividing Household Chores
• Done Badly: “You’re so lazy. I’m always the one cleaning up after you.”
• Why It Fails: Name-calling (“lazy”) sparks defensiveness and implies the partner is inherently flawed.
• Impact: Creates resentment and escalates conflict, making it harder to resolve the issue.
• Done Well: “I feel overwhelmed doing most of the cleaning. Can we talk about ways to divide chores more evenly?”
• Why It Works: The speaker owns their feelings and invites cooperation without blame.
• Impact: Opens space for constructive conversation and shared responsibility.
Quick Repair:
“I’m sorry for calling you lazy. That wasn’t fair—I just feel overwhelmed and need more help. Can we figure this out together?”
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3. Quality Time Together
• Done Badly: “You never make time for me. You’re always on your phone or busy with work.”
• Why It Fails: Generalizing (“never”) and blaming shuts down dialogue and can lead to defensiveness.
• Impact: Partner feels accused and unappreciated, reducing willingness to engage.
• Done Well: “I miss spending time together and feel disconnected when we’re not prioritizing us. Can we plan a night to reconnect?”
• Why It Works: Expresses vulnerability and frames the issue as a shared goal.
• Impact: Fosters emotional closeness and problem-solving without defensiveness.
Quick Repair:
“I didn’t mean to make it sound like you don’t care. I just miss us spending time together and want to reconnect.”
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4. Handling Conflict
• Done Badly: “You always shut me out. You’re just selfish and don’t care how I feel.”
• Why It Fails: Assumptions about intent (“selfish”) and global criticisms discourage trust.
• Impact: Escalates the argument, creating emotional withdrawal or counterattacks.
• Done Well: “When you walk away during an argument, I feel alone and unheard. Can we work on staying engaged even when it’s hard?”
• Why It Works: Names the behavior, not the character, and seeks a collaborative solution.
• Impact: Builds trust and fosters better conflict resolution.
Quick Repair:
“I shouldn’t have assumed you don’t care. I’m sorry for saying that—I want us to work through this in a way that feels good for both of us.”
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5. Financial Decisions
• Done Badly: “You’re so irresponsible with money. I can’t trust you to make good decisions.”
• Why It Fails: Labels (“irresponsible”) attack the partner’s identity and create shame.
• Impact: Erodes trust and discourages productive financial discussions.
• Done Well: “I felt anxious when you bought that without discussing it. Can we agree to talk about big purchases beforehand?”
• Why It Works: Focuses on feelings and specific behavior, fostering collaboration.
• Impact: Encourages teamwork and reduces financial anxiety.
Quick Repair:
“I regret labeling you as irresponsible. What I meant is that I feel anxious about big purchases, and I’d like us to talk about them beforehand.”
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6. Showing Affection
• Done Badly: “You’re so cold and unloving. I can’t believe how distant you’ve become.”
• Why It Fails: Labels (“cold”) and catastrophizing push the partner away rather than inviting change.
• Impact: Amplifies feelings of rejection and alienation.
• Done Well: “I’ve missed your hugs and kisses lately. They make me feel loved and close to you.”
• Why It Works: Shares specific needs and invites connection without criticism.
• Impact: Increases emotional and physical intimacy.
Quick Repair:
“I’m sorry for calling you cold. I didn’t mean to criticize—I miss feeling close to you and want to share that with you.”
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7. Parenting Disagreements
• Done Badly: “You’re always undermining me in front of the kids. Do you even respect me as a parent?”
• Why It Fails: Accusatory tone and generalizations (“always”) escalate tension.
• Impact: Undermines teamwork in parenting and creates emotional distance.
• Done Well: “I felt unsupported when you disagreed with me in front of the kids. Can we discuss parenting approaches privately?”
• Why It Works: Acknowledges feelings and invites constructive dialogue.
• Impact: Strengthens co-parenting alignment and mutual respect.
Quick Repair:
“I realize saying you undermine me wasn’t helpful. I’m sorry for that—I’d like us to find a way to discuss these things privately so we can parent as a team.”
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8. Emotional Availability
• Done Badly: “You’re never there for me. You don’t care about my feelings.”
• Why It Fails: Absolutes (“never”) and accusations block the partner from responding empathetically.
• Impact: Creates emotional withdrawal and deepens the disconnection.
• Done Well: “I’ve been feeling lonely lately and would love to talk about how we’re both feeling.”
• Why It Works: Expresses needs without blame and invites mutual sharing.
• Impact: Promotes emotional closeness and understanding.
Quick Repair:
“I didn’t mean to accuse you of not caring. I’ve just been feeling lonely and would really love to connect more with you.”
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9. Decision-Making Together
• Done Badly: “You always make decisions without me. It’s like my opinion doesn’t matter.”
• Why It Fails: Implies the partner is dismissive and minimizes their intent.
• Impact: Creates defensiveness and discourages collaboration.
• Done Well: “I felt left out when you made that decision without me. Can we make future decisions as a team?”
• Why It Works: Focuses on the behavior and suggests a collaborative approach.
• Impact: Encourages shared decision-making and mutual respect.
Quick Repair:
“I’m sorry for making it sound like you don’t value my opinion. What I meant is that I want us to make decisions together because your input matters to me.”
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10. Handling Stress
• Done Badly: “You’re impossible to talk to when stressed. I can’t deal with you.”
• Why It Fails: Criticizes the partner’s coping mechanisms without support.
• Impact: Increases stress and emotional withdrawal.
• Done Well: “I know you’re stressed, but I feel disconnected when we don’t talk. How can I support you better?”
• Why It Works: Shows empathy while addressing the need for connection.
• Impact: Reduces stress and strengthens the bond through support and understanding.
Quick Repair:
“I shouldn’t have said you’re impossible to talk to. I know stress is hard for both of us, and I want to be more supportive while also staying connected.
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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California