Gottman’s research, particularly studies on relationships and conflict resolution, found that men were generally less open to influence than women. Specifically, in their studies, about 65% of men resisted being influenced by their female partners, while only 35% of women showed similar resistance toward being influenced by their male partners.
This difference highlights a familiar relational dynamic: men in these studies were more likely to resist accepting their partner's influence. The ability to be open to influence was identified as a critical factor for healthy, sustainable relationships, especially for men in heterosexual partnerships. Couples, where both partners could be mutually influenced, were found to have higher satisfaction and stability in their relationships.
In Dr. John Gottman's research on same-sex couples, it was observed that gay and lesbian partners tend to be more open to accepting influence from each other compared to heterosexual couples. Specific percentages for men in committed gay relationships were not detailed in the available studies. However, the findings suggest that same-sex couples, including gay men, often exhibit more significant mutual influence and power-sharing dynamics.
This openness to influence is associated with healthier conflict resolution and increased relationship satisfaction. For instance, same-sex couples are more likely to use humor and affection during disagreements and are less likely to display controlling or hostile behaviors. These dynamics contribute to a more positive interaction pattern within the relationship.
Overall, the relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across all couple types (gay, straight, lesbian). However, the study did find some differences in how same-sex and different-sex couples argue.
“Gay and lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict,” Gottman explains, “Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement. They are also likely to remain more positive after a disagreement.”
While exact percentages are not provided, the overall trend indicates that men in committed gay relationships may be more receptive to their partner's influence, fostering healthier and more resilient partnerships.
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Here are 10 examples illustrating conversations where being open to influence is done badly, their explanations, impacts on relationships, followed by how they can be done well, their explanations, impacts on relationships, and a quick repair phrase.
1. Decision About Moving
Done Badly:
Partner A: "I’ve decided we’re moving to the city next month for my job."
Partner B: "What about my career? Don’t I get a say?"
Explanation: Partner A unilaterally makes a major decision, disregarding Partner B’s input.
Impact: Leads to feelings of exclusion and resentment.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I was offered a job in the city. Can we talk about what this would mean for both of us?"
Partner B: "I appreciate you bringing this up. Let’s discuss our options together."
Explanation: Invites collaboration, valuing both perspectives.
Impact: Strengthens trust and partnership.
Quick Repair: "I’m sorry for not discussing this earlier. Let’s decide together."
2. Handling Finances
Done Badly:
Partner A: "We’re cutting out your shopping budget to save money."
Partner B: "Excuse me? You didn’t ask how I feel about this!"
Explanation: Imposes a decision without mutual agreement.
Impact: Creates imbalance and defensiveness.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I’m worried about our finances. Can we review the budget together?"
Partner B: "That’s a good idea. Let’s work on it this weekend."
Explanation: Demonstrates mutual responsibility and respect.
Impact: Builds teamwork and financial harmony.
Quick Repair: "I shouldn’t have decided that alone. Let’s plan together."
3. Parenting Conflict
Done Badly:
Partner A: "You’re too soft on the kids. That’s why they misbehave."
Partner B: "And you’re too harsh! I won’t let you take over!"
Explanation: Criticism escalates conflict and shuts down communication.
Impact: Undermines co-parenting and creates tension.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I think we approach discipline differently. Can we talk about a plan that works for both of us?"
Partner B: "Sure, let’s find a way to be consistent together."
Explanation: Encourages constructive dialogue and compromise.
Impact: Strengthens co-parenting and family dynamics.
Quick Repair: "I’m sorry for criticizing. Let’s figure this out together."
4. Vacation Planning
Done Badly:
Partner A: "We’re going to the beach, no discussion."
Partner B: "I guess my opinion doesn’t matter, then."
Explanation: Dismisses the partner’s preferences.
Impact: Causes frustration and feelings of being undervalued.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I’d love to go to the beach. What kind of vacation are you in the mood for?"
Partner B: "Let’s combine the beach with something you’d enjoy."
Explanation: Shows willingness to balance preferences.
Impact: Enhances connection and mutual satisfaction.
Quick Repair: "I didn’t mean to exclude your ideas. Let’s plan together."
5. Social Plans
Done Badly:
Partner A: "We’re going to my friend’s party. You don’t need to decide."
Partner B: "Why don’t I get a say in how we spend our time?"
Explanation: Assumes control over joint social plans.
Impact: Builds resentment and erodes teamwork.
Done Well:
Partner A: "There’s a party at my friend’s house. How do you feel about going?"
Partner B: "I’d rather skip it, but let’s talk about other plans we could make."
Explanation: Invites a balanced decision.
Impact: Respects autonomy and strengthens partnership.
Quick Repair: "I should have asked first. What do you want to do?"
6. Handling Stress
Done Badly:
Partner A: "You’re making a big deal out of nothing."
Partner B: "You don’t care about how I feel!"
Explanation: Dismisses the partner’s emotions, invalidating their experience.
Impact: Creates emotional distance.
Done Well:
Partner A: "You seem really stressed. What can I do to help?"
Partner B: "Thanks for noticing. I just need someone to listen."
Explanation: Shows empathy and support.
Impact: Builds emotional intimacy and trust.
Quick Repair: "I’m sorry I brushed you off. I’m here to listen."
7. Career Choices
Done Badly:
Partner A: "I’m taking the job offer. End of discussion."
Partner B: "Why don’t you care how this affects us?"
Explanation: Makes a major decision without consulting the partner.
Impact: Causes hurt and lack of trust.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I’m considering a new job offer. Can we talk about what this would mean for us?"
Partner B: "Thanks for including me. Let’s weigh the pros and cons."
Explanation: Encourages shared decision-making.
Impact: Strengthens teamwork and mutual respect.
Quick Repair: "I should’ve consulted you first. Let’s discuss it now."
8. Managing Time
Done Badly:
Partner A: "I’m spending my weekend how I want."
Partner B: "And you’re leaving me with everything else to handle?"
Explanation: Ignores shared responsibilities.
Impact: Builds resentment and imbalance.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I’d like to relax this weekend. What’s on your plate, and how can we balance things?"
Partner B: "Let’s work together to make it fair."
Explanation: Balances individual needs with partnership.
Impact: Creates mutual respect and understanding.
Quick Repair: "I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. How can I help?"
9. Health Goals
Done Badly:
Partner A: "You need to start exercising more."
Partner B: "Why are you always criticizing me?"
Explanation: Comes across as controlling and critical.
Impact: Lowers self-esteem and creates tension.
Done Well:
Partner A: "I’m thinking of starting a workout routine. Want to join me?"
Partner B: "That sounds good. Let’s support each other."
Explanation: Frames the suggestion positively and invites collaboration.
Impact: Builds shared goals and encouragement.
Quick Repair: "I didn’t mean to criticize. Let’s approach this together."
10. Emotional Support
Done Badly:
Partner A: "You’re always complaining about work. Just get over it."
Partner B: "You don’t even care how hard it is for me."
Explanation: Dismisses the partner’s emotions, increasing emotional distance.
Impact: Causes feelings of being unsupported and alone.
Done Well:
Partner A: "Work sounds really challenging. Do you want to talk about it?"
Partner B: "Thanks for asking. I just need to vent."
Explanation: Provides validation and emotional support.
Impact: Strengthens emotional connection and trust.
Quick Repair: "I’m sorry for dismissing you. I’m here now."
These examples demonstrate the importance of being open to influence and show how small adjustments can improve communication, trust, and relationship satisfaction.
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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California