. . . & The Willingness To Discover The Difference
Definitions:
Fixable Problems: These are situational and can be resolved through problem-solving, compromise, or behavioral adjustments. They typically stem from external circumstances rather than deep-seated differences.
Gottman: Fixable problems relate to specific issues (e.g., chores, schedules).
Bader: Often arises during the early stages of couple development, where roles are being negotiated.
Doherty: Fixable problems are practical and can be addressed with willingness and effort.
Non-Fixable (Perpetual) Problems: These are rooted in fundamental personality differences, core values, or long-standing preferences. They often resurface, requiring ongoing management rather than resolution.
Gottman: 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual but manageable with dialogue.
Tatkin: These stem from attachment styles or neurological wiring.
Johnson: Non-fixable problems are managed best when partners remain emotionally connected.
Why They Need Different Approaches:
Fixable Problems: Require problem-solving skills and compromise. Addressing these well strengthens trust and teamwork.
Non-Fixable Problems: Require acceptance and empathy. The goal is not to change your partner but to create a safe space for differences to coexist.
10 Examples with "Done Badly" and "Done Well" Conversations
1. Household Division of Labor
Fixable or Perpetual? Fixable if situational; perpetual if stemming from deep value differences.
Done Badly Conversation: "You’re lazy and never help out. I do everything!"
Explanation: Blame triggers defensiveness.
Impact: Leads to resentment.
Done Well Conversation: "I feel overwhelmed managing the house. Can we discuss a fairer way to divide tasks?"
Explanation: A collaborative approach fosters teamwork.
Impact: Builds mutual respect.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I appreciate your effort. Let’s find a solution together."
2. Frequency of Intimacy
Fixable or Perpetual? Often perpetual due to differences in libido or intimacy needs.
Done Badly Conversation: "Why don’t you ever want me? This is ridiculous."
Explanation: Shaming creates distance.
Impact: Erodes trust.
Done Well Conversation: "I’d love to feel closer to you physically. How can we find a rhythm that works for us both?"
Explanation: Balances vulnerability with curiosity.
Impact: Builds emotional and physical intimacy.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I didn’t mean to pressure you. Let’s revisit this gently."
3. Spending and Saving Money
Fixable or Perpetual? Fixable if due to budgeting needs; perpetual if rooted in differing financial philosophies.
Done Badly Conversation: "You’re irresponsible with money! You’re ruining us."
Explanation: Criticism fosters conflict.
Impact: Creates tension and distrust.
Done Well Conversation: "I feel anxious about our finances. Can we plan together?"
Explanation: A problem-solving focus invites collaboration.
Impact: Strengthens partnership in financial decisions.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I overreacted earlier. Let’s work on this together."
4. Social Preferences (Introvert vs. Extrovert)
Fixable or Perpetual? Perpetual; rooted in personality differences.
Done Badly Conversation: "You never want to go out. Why are you such a hermit?"
Explanation: Labeling creates shame.
Impact: Leads to feelings of incompatibility.
Done Well Conversation: "I enjoy going out more than you do. How can we balance our needs?"
Explanation: Seeks compromise and mutual respect.
Impact: Fosters connection while honoring differences.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I love you for who you are. Let’s plan something we both enjoy."
5. Parenting Styles
Fixable or Perpetual? Fixable if situational; perpetual if rooted in values.
Done Badly Conversation: "You’re way too strict with the kids!"
Explanation: Criticism undermines co-parenting.
Impact: Creates conflict and weakens unity.
Done Well Conversation: "I’d like to align on how we handle discipline. Can we talk?"
Explanation: Encourages shared decision-making.
Impact: Strengthens parental collaboration.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I respect your perspective. Let’s revisit this together."
6. Attachment Needs
Fixable or Perpetual? Perpetual; rooted in attachment styles.
Done Badly Conversation: "Why are you so needy? I can’t deal with this!"
Explanation: Dismissal creates insecurity.
Impact: Triggers disconnection.
Done Well Conversation: "I notice you’re feeling anxious. How can I reassure you?"
Explanation: Provides emotional attunement.
Impact: Builds safety and trust.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I’m here for you. Let’s figure this out."
7. Career Priorities
Fixable or Perpetual? Fixable if situational; perpetual if values differ.
Done Badly Conversation: "You care more about work than us!"
Explanation: Guilt trips lead to defensiveness.
Impact: Erodes trust and connection.
Done Well Conversation: "I admire your dedication to work but feel disconnected. Can we talk about balance?"
Explanation: Balances appreciation with expressed needs.
Impact: Encourages compromise and connection.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I didn’t mean to make you feel unappreciated."
8. Emotional Regulation
Fixable or Perpetual? Perpetual; rooted in temperament.
Done Badly Conversation: "You’re always so angry. Grow up!"
Explanation: Escalates tension.
Impact: Creates emotional distance.
Done Well Conversation: "When you’re upset, it’s hard for me to connect. How can I support you?"
Explanation: Shows curiosity and care.
Impact: Encourages emotional safety.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I overreacted earlier. Let’s try again."
9. Cultural Differences
Fixable or Perpetual? Perpetual; rooted in identity.
Done Badly Conversation: "Why do you have to be so traditional?"
Explanation: Dismisses identity.
Impact: Causes alienation.
Done Well Conversation: "Our traditions are different. How can we honor both?"
Explanation: Invites understanding and inclusion.
Impact: Builds mutual respect.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I value your traditions. Let’s find a way to include them."
10. Division of Emotional Labor
Fixable or Perpetual? Fixable with effort; perpetual if deeply ingrained.
Done Badly Conversation: "I’m tired of doing all the emotional work!"
Explanation: Blame fosters resistance.
Impact: Weakens connection.
Done Well Conversation: "I feel like I’m carrying a lot emotionally. Can we share this more?"
Explanation: Encourages shared responsibility.
Impact: Strengthens teamwork.
Quick Repair Dialogue: "I didn’t mean to sound accusing. Let’s talk."
Each example highlights the importance of tailoring responses to whether a problem is fixable or perpetual. Perpetual problems demand acceptance and ongoing management, while fixable ones thrive on solutions and teamwork.
————
Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California
Portions of this article contain collected AI-generated material that has been edited and checked for accuracy.