“This transformation of WHO YOU WANT TO BE does not guarantee reconciliation, but it does guarantee growth and becoming a person you can both respect and like.”
When someone makes the life-altering decision to face their infidelity and seek to repair and recover a marriage, the immediate questions that arise can feel overwhelming. "What do I do now?" becomes a mantra, driving the need for action to fix what is broken. But beneath this impulse lies a more profound and transformative question: "Who do I want to be?" This question is not about quick fixes or surface-level repairs. It calls for a profound reckoning with oneself and a redefinition of core values. It is a North Star that guides the efforts to the possible recovery of the marriage and the recovery of the self.
The shift from "What do I do?" to "Who do I want to be?" begins with a willingness to face the harm caused by infidelity. The actions that led to betrayal often stem from misaligned values, unmet needs, or personal struggles that have gone unaddressed. As Esther Perel explains, infidelity becomes less about the affair itself and more about the identity crisis it triggers. The unfaithful spouse is forced to confront not only the impact of their actions on their partner but also their disconnection from honesty, integrity, and care. This reckoning is essential for authentic change.
Authentic change requires more than a series of corrective actions. It demands an identity realignment. Temporary actions like apologizing or promising transparency might soothe the wounded partner, but they are unsustainable without a more profound commitment to becoming someone who values reliability and accountability. As John Gottman’s research shows, trust is rebuilt over time through consistent behaviors that reflect one’s core values—behaviors that must stem from a sincere desire to be trustworthy.
The question, "Who do I want to be?" also serves as an internal compass during moments of difficulty. Self-reflection builds emotional strength, allowing the unfaithful to navigate their partner’s inevitable skepticism, pain, and anger. Sue Johnson’s work in Emotionally Focused Therapy underscores the importance of emotional attunement—staying present and grounded in emotional challenges. This requires the unfaithful spouse to develop self-awareness and authenticity as foundational traits.
To define "Who do I want to be?" the unfaithful spouse can begin by fully acknowledging the harm caused by their actions. This involves reflecting on how their choices have affected their partner, family, and sense of integrity. It’s a painful but necessary step. Honest self-assessment lays the groundwork for understanding the kind of partner, parent, and friend they aspire to become. Without this clarity, actions risk becoming hollow gestures.
Identifying core values—such as integrity, empathy, and accountability — is another crucial step in this journey. These values are the foundation for rebuilding the relationship and the unfaithful spouse’s sense of self. Writing a personal mission statement can help solidify these values. For example, an unfaithful spouse might declare, "I will be a person who prioritizes honesty and considers the impact of my actions on those I love."
Transparency is a non-negotiable element of this transformation. As Shirley Glass notes, true transparency goes beyond sharing passwords or providing updates. It means committing to honesty in all aspects of life, especially when it is uncomfortable. This openness builds trust and reinforces the unfaithful spouse’s commitment to their new identity.
Facing the pain caused is the most challenging aspect of this process. The betrayed partner’s grief and anger are natural responses to the betrayal, and the unfaithful spouse must be willing to hold space for these emotions without retreating into defensiveness or shame. Janis Abrahms Spring emphasizes that accountability requires enduring the discomfort of witnessing the pain inflicted on others. It is an act of humility and courage.
Self-forgiveness is essential to the journey, but it cannot come prematurely. Genuine self-forgiveness arises from making amends and taking responsibility. Michele Weiner-Davis highlights that the path to self-forgiveness involves consistent effort and a commitment to becoming someone who can offer security and love. It is a process, not an event.
In moments of doubt, unfaithful spouses can ask themselves concrete questions to stay aligned with their values. One such question is, “What do I hope my partner can say about me a year from now?" The answer might be, "They hurt me deeply but faced their mistakes with courage and changed." This vision provides motivation and clarity during difficult times.
Another question might be, "What legacy do I want to leave for my family?" The unfaithful spouse must consider whether they want to be remembered as someone who gave up or who owned their failures and worked to rebuild their life. The answer to this question often inspires a renewed commitment to integrity and perseverance.
Finally, the unfaithful spouse can ask, "What kind of person would I be proud of becoming?" This question shifts the focus from external validation to internal satisfaction. Becoming someone aligned with honesty, integrity, and empathy is rewarding in its own right, regardless of the relationship’s outcome.
The "Who" ultimately shapes the "What." The actions necessary for infidelity recovery—such as apologizing, offering transparency, making amends, and committing to therapy—become meaningful and sustainable when guided by a deeper sense of identity. These actions are no longer just tasks to check off a list but expressions of the person the unfaithful spouse is striving to become. They support the potential healing of the relationship and transform their own life. They become someone capable of living with integrity and courage, someone who can face themselves in the mirror with self-worth. This transformation of WHO YOU WANT TO BE does not guarantee reconciliation, but it does guarantee growth and becoming a person you can both respect and like
Infidelity recovery is not linear or straightforward. It demands patience, humility, and an unwavering commitment to change. The journey begins with a single, profound question: "Who do I want to be?" Answering this question requires ongoing deep self-reflection and a willingness to align with one’s highest values. It is the foundation upon which trust can be rebuilt and lives transformed. The most crucial trust to rebuild the inside of oneself is willing participation in what is true. So, who do you want to be now?
—— To help shape the WHO You Want To Be ———
Top 10 Things a Person Who Sincerely Wants to Recover His Marriage from Infidelity Must Keep at the Forefront from experts on affair recovery: Esther Perel, Shirley Glass, John and Julie Gottman, Sue Johnson, Janis Abrahms Spring, Michelle Weiner-Davis
1. Radical Accountability (The #1 Thing to Face in Yourself)
Acknowledge the full impact of your actions without deflecting, minimizing, or blaming external circumstances or your partner.
Why It’s Crucial: As Shirley Glass explains, genuine recovery starts with recognizing the harm caused by betrayal and accepting responsibility for one's choices. Without this, trust cannot be rebuilt.
2. Rebuild Trust Through Consistency
Be transparent in all areas of life: schedules, finances, communications, and emotional availability.
Expert Insight: The Gottmans emphasize that trust is built incrementally through small, consistent actions over time.
3. Validate Your Partner’s Pain
Understand that your partner’s pain is profound and multifaceted. Listen empathetically and acknowledge their feelings without defensiveness.
Why It’s Key: Sue Johnson highlights that healing requires addressing the emotional wounds and creating a safe space for your partner to express their grief and anger.
4. Understand the Reasons Behind the Infidelity
Reflect deeply on why you made your choices, without using those reasons as excuses.
Key Perspective: Esther Perel challenges individuals to explore the unmet needs, desires, or vulnerabilities that may have contributed to the affair while taking full ownership of the breach of trust.
5. Demonstrate Empathy Daily
Show that you can see the world through your partner’s eyes. Their reality has been shattered, and they need reassurance of your commitment.
Actionable Tip: Janis Abrahms Spring advises betrayed partners to feel that their pain is recognized and understood at every stage of recovery.
6. Commit to Total Transparency
Provide access to all devices, accounts, and social interactions. Secrecy undermines recovery.
Research-Based Insight: Shirley Glass's walls and windows metaphor emphasizes eliminating secrecy and creating openness to rebuild trust.
7. Be Patient with the Healing Process
Understand that recovery is not linear and may take years. Resist the urge to rush your partner or demand forgiveness prematurely.
Guidance from Experts: Both the Gottmans and Sue Johnson stress that trust and safety are rebuilt slowly and cannot be forced.
8. Focus on Your Partner’s Needs
Ask what they need to feel safe and supported and then actively meet those needs.
Pro Tip: Michele Weiner-Davis emphasizes practical actions over empty promises. Doing what your partner asks builds credibility.
9. Reinvest in the Relationship
Show your partner that you are not only committed to recovery but also invested in creating a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Guidance from Esther Perel: Rebuilding a relationship requires finding ways to reconnect emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
10. Seek Professional Help
Commit to working with a skilled therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery. Individual and couples therapy are essential.
Why It’s Vital: As Janis Abrahms Spring and Sue Johnson highlight, professional guidance helps navigate recovery's emotional and relational complexities, offering tools to repair attachment wounds. One of the main tools and plans is to get profeesinoal help to HANDL TRIGGERS Productively. Here are some guidelines and a link to the complete article that forms the basis of this element of stablizing your efforts to repair.
1. Be Patient with Triggers: Understand that your spouse’s reactions are a response to pain. Defensive or dismissive behavior will only deepen their hurt.
2. Transparency and Reassurance:
Offer open access to your devices and accounts without being asked.
Proactively check in with your spouse about their feelings.
Avoid minimizing their pain with phrases like, “That was months ago.” Healing doesn’t adhere to a timeline.
3. Respond Empathetically: When a trigger arises, validate their experience: “I see this is hard for you. I’m here, and I’m listening.” Avoid trying to “fix” the feeling; focus on being present.
4. Engage in Personal Accountability: Attend individual therapy to address the root causes of your infidelity, whether it stems from unmet emotional needs, poor impulse control, or deeper psychological patterns. Healing yourself is essential for rebuilding trust.
5. Initiate Rebuilding Trust Daily: Commit to consistent actions that demonstrate reliability—showing up when you say you will, being emotionally available, and addressing their needs without them having to ask repeatedly.
Here is a map of the three phases of Infidelity Recover from the Gottman Institute Research:
Be Patient with Triggers: Understand that your spouse’s reactions are a response to pain. Defensive or dismissive behavior will only deepen their hurt.
Transparency and Reassurance:
Offer open access to your devices and accounts without being asked.
Proactively check in with your spouse about their feelings.
Avoid minimizing their pain with phrases like, “That was months ago.” Healing doesn’t adhere to a timeline.
Respond Empathetically: When a trigger arises, validate their experience: “I see this is hard for you. I’m here, and I’m listening.” Avoid trying to “fix” the feeling; focus on being present.
Engage in Personal Accountability: Attend individual therapy to address the root causes of your infidelity, whether it stems from unmet emotional needs, poor impulse control, or deeper psychological patterns. Healing yourself is essential for rebuilding trust.
Initiate Rebuilding Trust Daily: Commit to consistent actions that demonstrate reliability—showing up when you say you will, being emotionally available, and addressing their needs without them having to ask repeatedly.
Overarching Principle:
Infidelity recovery demands a sincere transformation through a penetrating answer to the question of WHO I WANT TO BE AS A PERSON NOW. The answer to that question is what informs all your actions.