Recovering from infidelity is one of the most challenging emotional journeys a couple can undertake. Triggers—those emotional landmines that reignite the pain of betrayal—are inevitable, but they don’t have to derail the healing process endlessly.
To stabilize both partners, especially in the early stages, emotional regulation is essential, and to do that, the couple needs to work together to handle triggers productively. Each partner needs to take seriously how triggers form, the human neurological impact on body, mind, and emotions, and from that, form strategies for when they happen.
The Gottman Institute outlines three stages of infidelity recovery: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. In the Atonement stage, the unfaithful partner takes full responsibility for their actions, offers transparency, and rebuilds trust. In contrast, the betrayed partner processes their pain and gains clarity about what happened. In Attunement, the couple focuses on understanding each other’s needs, repairing communication, and creating new patterns of emotional connection, ultimately leading to Attachment, where they deepen their bond, establish shared meaning, and rebuild intimacy. Handling Triggers Productively is foundational in the first stage of repair and in addressing the tasks of the Atonement Stage.
The Psychology and Neurology of Triggers
Triggers are intense emotional responses tied to memories of betrayal. They activate the brain’s amygdala, which governs the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. This activation often bypasses the rational prefrontal cortex, making it hard to think clearly in the moment. For the betrayed spouse, triggers can arise from innocuous comments, places, or even seemingly unrelated events. For the unfaithful spouse, guilt, shame or fear of rejection can act as triggers, leading to defensiveness, dissmissiveness, uproar or avoidance.
Understanding the brain’s role helps normalize these experiences: triggers aren’t a sign of weakness or failure—they’re a natural healing response to trauma. Triggers as well as flashbacks are unprocessed emotional pain surfacing for healing. The goal isn’t to eliminate triggers (an unrealistic expectation) but to manage them constructively as moments of the process of repair and accountabilty..
For the Betrayed Spouse: Facing Triggers with Resilience
Name the Trigger: The first step is identifying what sparked the reaction. Was it a specific word, behavior, or thought? Naming the trigger helps move the experience from raw emotion to conscious awareness, engaging the prefrontal cortex.’ Where rational thinking can aid in management big and process the experience.
Self-Soothing Techniques:
Grounding Exercises: Use techniques like deep breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method (identify five things you see, four you can touch, etc.) to anchor yourself in the present.
Mantras: Create affirmations like, “This is reality, and I can respond to it.”, “I am safe in this moment.”
Communicate Without Blame: Express your experience using “I” statements: “I felt overwhelmed when I saw that text on your phone.” Avoid accusatory language, which can escalate conflict.
Seek Support Beyond the Marriage: While your partner’s empathy is crucial, you may also benefit from individual therapy or support groups to process deeper feelings in confidentiality.
Recognize Patterns: Over time, track recurring triggers and their emotional impact. Awareness can establish a new relationship to the emotional memories and their intensity and frequency.
For the Unfaithful Spouse: Support the Healing Process With Trigger Understanding, Their Partner’s and Their Own
Be Patient with Triggers: Understand that your spouse’s reactions are a response to pain. Defensive or dismissive behavior will only deepen their hurt, lengthen the time it takes to calm and set back progress in hay has been made.
Transparency and Reassurance:
Offer open access to your devices and accounts without being asked.
Proactively check in with your spouse about their feelings.
Avoid minimizing their pain with phrases like, “That was months ago.” Healing doesn’t adhere to a timeline.
Respond Empathetically: When a trigger arises, validate their experience: “I see this is really hard for you. I’m here, and I’m listening.” Avoid trying to “fix” the feeling; focus on being present.
Engage in Personal Accountability: Attend individual therapy to address the root causes of your infidelity, whether it stems from unmet emotional needs, poor impulse control, or deeper psychological patterns. Healing yourself is essential for rebuilding trust.
Initiate Rebuilding Trust Daily: Commit to consistent actions that demonstrate reliability—showing up when you say you will, being emotionally available, and addressing their needs without them having to ask repeatedly.
For Both Spouses: Joint Strategies for Managing Triggers
Create a Trigger Protocol: Develop a plan for handling triggers as a team. For example:
The betrayed spouse alerts the unfaithful spouse when a trigger arises (“I’m feeling triggered by that conversation”).
The unfaithful spouse responds with empathy and support without defensiveness (“I understand why you feel that way. What can I do to help right now?”).
Reframe Triggers as Opportunities for Growth: Triggers can reveal unresolved aspects of the betrayal that need addressing. Instead of avoiding these moments, use them to deepen understanding and connection.
Establish Emotional Regulation Practices: Practice mindfulness, meditation, or relaxation activities together to foster a shared sense of calm and reduce overall emotional reactivity.
Schedule Regular Check-Ins: Dedicate time weekly to discuss progress, challenges, and feelings. This proactive approach prevents triggers from festering.
Seek Professional Guidance Together: Therapists trained in approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (Sue Johnson), the Gottman Method, or infidelity recovery frameworks (Esther Perel, Janis Abrahms Spring) can guide you through the healing process.
The Reality Check: Triggers Don’t Disappear Overnight
Recovery from infidelity is a long road. The betrayed spouse’s trust will not rebuild in days or weeks; it may take years of consistent effort. For the unfaithful spouse, the weight of accountability can feel exhausting, but it’s the price of repairing the damage. Both partners must commit to the discomfort of growth—individually and together.
Hope Now Requires Evidence
While infidelity leaves scars, it doesn’t have to define marriage. Still, it requires evidence, evidence of empathy, accountability, and leadership instead of being reactive and willingly participating in transformation instead of just trying to change certain behaviors. Transformation is more complex and requires developing a fundamentally new way of looking at yourself, your relationship, and life itself instead of confirmation bias, where you gather information and see things to confirm the point of view that got you into your situation. Triggers are transformation opportunities. When handled productively, triggers can become situations with the right tools for greater emotional intimacy. By confronting pain with honesty and compassion, couples can emerge healed and transformed.
