Question: My ex sends the meanest, vilest, and most threatening emails and texts about what an awful spouse I was. Now, the children are hearing about it, too. I spend hours refuting what is said, line by line, and it is exhausting. It just doesn’t stop. What can I do?
Don: Stop.
Just STOP answering the accusations, and here's why:
Your ex has declared email war on you out of hurt and desire for revenge. As long as someone is wrapped up in the hurt of divorce, they will be vulnerable to vindictive acts. Vindictiveness is driven by real or imagined pain caused by another. I suggest that you stop responding to these hurt-driven accusations. When you must communicate, ignore the allegations and keep to the facts of what your children need, such as when to pick them up, their health, school activities, etc. Don’t discuss or defend your past actions in your emails.
If you need to discuss anything about your former marriage or parenting skills, do that ONLY in a therapist's or mediator’s office, where a third party can help keep things orderly and on point. If your ex will not agree to meet in a professional's office, then this is evidence that your ex wants to hurt you more than s/he wants to heal and move on with his/her own life.
You can do nothing to change your ex-spouse's opinion of you. The reason for this is called belief bias. Your ex believes that you have been hurtful, and no matter what you say to defend yourself, as long as s/he feels hurt underneath the ranting, s/he will go on believing this.
Your ex will continue to take whatever you say and twist it to support the hurt-driven bias that is already in place about you. Whenever you react defensively, you strengthen the belief that fuels this vindictive drive to hurt you more.
This is not to say that what your ex says about you doesn’t have some truth. No one marries and has children with someone who doesn’t see and feels the painful impact of his or her partner’s blind spot behaviors. That is often why people divorce in the first place.
However, the marriage is over. Take your next partner’s feedback more seriously. You may find him/her saying similar things to what your ex is now saying. But you can’t work on issues with someone when a relationship ends. Work on your problems with a relationship that is alive.
You are avoiding your hurt if you can't stop responding to your ex’s emails. It takes “two to tango” in email wars. If you can't stop your part of the dance, then use counseling to help you face the remaining hurt that is driving you to react like the crazy person your ex is accusing you of being. If you stop, your ex will eventually lose interest. If it doesn’t stop, you may want to get a legal opinion about how to proceed. You might be advised to keep copies of the vindictive emails and your factual and reasonable responses if your divorce goes to mediation or a courtroom.
Email wars are like alcohol-fueled behaviors, when people say and do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. That is why alcohol is sometimes referred to as "Liquid Courage." "Digital Courage" can have the same effect as alcohol on your judgment. Your imagination fuels your hurt, anger, and entitlement to type and broadcast whatever you want about somebody you are hurt by. With one click, you can tell a person exactly what you think of them, further inflaming the deadly email and text wars.
Facebook is a different environment than texts and emails. The best strategy suggested so far, which shows promise, is to not post anything on Facebook that applies to your separation or divorce other than, where appropriate, that a divorce has happened. It is best practice not to respond to online threats, news items posted by your ex, or anything they post. Let it go and move on with your life. If things seem urgent or necessary to reply to, it is suggested that you consult an attorney if they are legal. Everybody's situation is unique, but the principle remains the same: stay in the business of the kids, the business of divorce in private. Let the rest go online in any form.
Stay sober in all your responses by email, phone, and in person. Stay sober when you check in on Facebook. Use your therapy to help you develop the strength to keep your focus on the facts of things, face the hurt, and let the emotional stuff wear themselves out! You can't control your ex-spouse's email rants, but you can control your responses. Dance with your new life, not with vindictiveness.