Question: I have had it! I want a divorce! My husband (wife) treats me like I don't exist and I have been hurt for too long. I try to tell him (her) how much it hurts me when he (she) ignores me, but we go around and around the issue. I don't know what else to do but to leave. Maybe that will get his (her) attention. Do you think I have good reasons for wanting to separate from him (her)?
Don: There are 3 REALLY BAD REASONS to push for a separation:
1. For revenge or punishment over emotional hurt. In this situation, you want to teach your partner a lesson so he will care about you more.
2. Not knowing how to let your spouse know you are unhappy.
3. Wanting to avoid facing the real underlying problems.
Your question contains all three BAD reasons. Why are they bad, or better said, unproductive? First, you are using the threat of separation, or the actions of separation, to manipulate him (her) into giving you more positive attention and consideration. And, if this gets you the attention you want, it will be short-lived. Why? Scaring your spouse into giving you positive attention may work in the short run, but your tactics will eventually fail because he (she) will be motivated by fear, not respect for you. You will both still ignore the elephant in the room—the underlying problems in your relationship.
Separation in a marriage can be used for different purposes. For some couples, divorce is the first step when neither person wants to save the marriage. However, separation can also be a way to improve or save a marriage by giving both parties some space to cool down. During this time, each person can reflect on what they want and are willing to do to have a better relationship. This kind of separation interrupts any damaging emotional turmoil, allowing the couple to reconnect from a calmer place. The chances of both individuals. This increases learning new ways to grow instead of engaging in emotional conflicts. So, you need to consider your reasons and decide what the separation will be about.
A controlled separation works best when you and your spouse understand your reasons for separating. Do you want a divorce, or are you seeking a temporary break to address serious emotional issues and find new ways to improve and strengthen your marriage? If you and your husband want to work on your marriage, there are specific guidelines you must agree on. Some of the basic guidelines to consider include:
1. Time Limit: For example, three to six months. (Note: It may take at least 30 days to cool off.) Depending on your situation, it might be best to decide not to try to deal with any of the chronic marriage problems until after some time, such as one week, three weeks, or a month--whatever each person needs. This is an excellent time for individual counseling to get yourself center more INISE yourself instead of circular arguments with your spouse in your head.
2. No attorney filing: Agree that neither of you will file for divorce during this time. This keeps the fear down and allows space for both people to look inside rather than over their shoulders.
3. Someone moves out: Decide who, when, and where.
4. Remember the following text:
"Fair and equitable use and access to split finances."
5. Welfare of children: What is best for them with regular access to both parents?
6. Keep it confidential: Who will be told and who isn’t?
7. Spend time together: For example, dinner where marriage problems are not discussed.
8. Having intimate relations: Whether to pause or continue with a sexual relationship with each other.
9. Dating others: This is discouraged. If there is dating with others, it is unlikely the marriage will be able to continue.
10. Terminating the agreement: Whether one spouse can terminate the contract or both must agree.
A controlled working separation can give you both a chance to more calmly look into your heart about what matters most and investigate the imaginary negative conversations in your head that keep you distracted from facing how you feel. Do you want to be married anymore? This question can't be addressed in the heat of constant emotional upheaval. With a controlled separation, once you both feel ready, you can begin couples counseling and begin the life-long practice of learning to dialogue with each other instead of hurling emotional criticism in debates.
Over time, marriage requires us to be honest—with ourselves and with our partners. Honesty may come out as yelling inappropriately expressed in direct withdrawal. Honesty requires a calm approach; otherwise, your partner may not hear what you are saying and could perceive you as mean.
This can lead to real trouble if you care more about your spouse. Your spouse needs a best friend who knows your feelings and needs without threats. I highly suggest marriage counseling to have this earnest conversation. This can help you step back and look at your marriage and yourself.
This points to real trouble if your best friend knows more about your feelings than your spouse. Your spouse would need to know how you feel and what you need without any ultimatums. I highly suggest marriage counseling to have this critical conversation. This can help you step back and evaluate your marriage and yourself.
Once you've mentioned separation in anger, the situation can quickly snowball out of control, even if you didn't mean it. It's essential to take a breath and seek professional advice. Calmly to control. Please talk to your partner and let them know about your worries about the marriage's health. Let them know that you want to address the issues and see what's possible and that continuing as things are is too painful.
You don't get what you expect in marriage. You get what you inspect. Could you create space for both to look carefully at what is on the line and what you want to do about it? Not just words but actions. It is the change of behavior that you both are looking at the other to do. You can start the shift without expecting modifications and see what happens.