Disagree Better: Validate Emotions, Don’t Dismiss

10 Examples of Validating Emotions vs. Dismissing

These examples are grounded in research from John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, Stan Tatkin, and Esther Perel, showcasing how validating emotions can strengthen connection, while dismissing them can damage trust and intimacy.

1. Feeling Hurt About a Forgotten Event

Done Badly:

“Oh, stop making such a big deal out of it. I just forgot—it’s not the end of the world.”

Why It Fails: Dismissing the partner’s feelings invalidates their emotional experience, leading to frustration and disconnection.

Impact: Partner feels unimportant, unheard, and resentful.

Done Well:

“I can see why that hurt you—it was important to you, and I didn’t follow through. I’m really sorry for that.”

Why It Works: Acknowledges the partner’s emotional reality, showing empathy and accountability.

Impact: Creates understanding and emotional safety, fostering repair.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I brushed off your feelings earlier. That wasn’t fair—I want to hear more about how this affected you.”

2. Expressing Overwhelm About Chores

Done Badly:

“You’re overreacting—it’s just a little mess. Why are you so upset?”

Why It Fails: Minimizing the partner’s feelings invalidates their experience, making them feel misunderstood.

Impact: Increases emotional distance and defensiveness.

Done Well:

“I can tell this is really stressing you out. Let’s talk about how we can handle it together.”

Why It Works: Acknowledges the partner’s feelings and offers support, fostering collaboration.

Impact: Promotes teamwork and emotional connection.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have dismissed your stress earlier. I can see this is important to you—let’s revisit it.”

3. Feeling Rejected in Intimacy

Done Badly:

“Why are you so sensitive? It’s not like I said no on purpose.”

Why It Fails: Dismissing the partner’s feelings of rejection minimizes their emotional pain, deepening the disconnection.

Impact: Reduces intimacy and increases feelings of rejection.

Done Well:

“I didn’t realize how that made you feel. I’m sorry you felt hurt—I want to understand more about what you’re feeling.”

Why It Works: Validates the partner’s emotional response, inviting deeper understanding.

Impact: Strengthens emotional and physical intimacy through empathy.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry I dismissed your feelings earlier. I want to understand how this affected you.”

4. Discussing Parenting Conflicts

Done Badly:

“You’re being too emotional about this. It’s not that serious.”

Why It Fails: Invalidates the partner’s concerns and assumes they’re overreacting.

Impact: Undermines trust and weakens the parenting partnership.

Done Well:

“I see you’re really passionate about this—it’s clear you care deeply about the kids. Let’s talk about what’s worrying you.”

Why It Works: Recognizes the partner’s concern and care, encouraging collaboration.

Impact: Builds trust and strengthens teamwork as co-parents.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I downplayed your concerns. I respect how much you care, and I want to listen.”

5. Feeling Disconnected

Done Badly:

“You’re overthinking it—nothing is wrong.”

Why It Fails: Minimizes the partner’s experience, making them feel dismissed and unsupported.

Impact: Amplifies feelings of disconnection and emotional isolation.

Done Well:

“It sounds like you’re feeling disconnected from me. I want to work on this with you—what can we do to feel closer?”

Why It Works: Acknowledges the partner’s feelings and takes responsibility for the connection.

Impact: Restores closeness and fosters a sense of teamwork.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have brushed off your feelings earlier. Let’s talk about how you’re feeling.”

6. Stress About Finances

Done Badly:

“Why are you freaking out? We’ll figure it out—it’s not a big deal.”

Why It Fails: Dismissing financial stress disregards the partner’s legitimate concerns and creates frustration.

Impact: Increases anxiety and reduces trust in problem-solving as a team.

Done Well:

“I can see how this is weighing on you. Let’s sit down together and figure out a plan.”

Why It Works: Validates the stress and offers a proactive approach to problem-solving.

Impact: Reduces financial anxiety and fosters a sense of partnership.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry I downplayed your stress earlier. I want to understand what’s worrying you and figure this out together.”

7. Feeling Unsupported During Conflict

Done Badly:

“You’re being dramatic—it’s not that serious.”

Why It Fails: Labels the partner’s emotions as over-the-top, invalidating their experience.

Impact: Leads to emotional withdrawal and a sense of being alone in the relationship.

Done Well:

“I can see this is really upsetting for you. I want to understand what’s going on and how I can support you.”

Why It Works: Acknowledges the partner’s emotional reality, inviting connection.

Impact: Strengthens trust and emotional safety.

Quick Repair:

“I regret calling you dramatic—that wasn’t fair. I want to hear how you’re feeling.”

8. Reacting to Criticism About Time Management

Done Badly:

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Just relax!”

Why It Fails: Dismissing the partner’s criticism invalidates their feelings and discourages constructive dialogue.

Impact: Escalates the conflict and reduces collaboration.

Done Well:

“I can see why you’re upset—I didn’t manage my time well, and it affected you. Let’s figure out how I can do better.”

Why It Works: Validates the partner’s frustration and takes responsibility, fostering resolution.

Impact: Encourages teamwork and strengthens accountability.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry I dismissed your concerns earlier. I want to take this seriously and work on it with you.”

9. Feeling Neglected

Done Badly:

“You’re always so needy—I can’t be everything for you.”

Why It Fails: Frames the partner’s emotional needs as a flaw, leading to shame and rejection.

Impact: Increases emotional distance and insecurity.

Done Well:

“It sounds like you’re feeling neglected—I want to be there for you. Let’s talk about how we can spend more time together.”

Why It Works: Validates the partner’s needs and invites solutions without judgment.

Impact: Strengthens emotional connection and reduces feelings of neglect.

Quick Repair:

“I regret calling you needy. I didn’t mean to dismiss your feelings—I care about your needs.”

10. Concerns About Work-Life Balance

Done Badly:

“You’re overreacting—I’m working hard for us, so why are you complaining?”

Why It Fails: Dismisses the partner’s feelings, framing their concerns as invalid or ungrateful.

Impact: Creates defensiveness and emotional disconnection.

Done Well:

“I hear that you’re feeling frustrated about how much I’m working. Let’s talk about how we can create more balance.”

Why It Works: Acknowledges the partner’s emotions and demonstrates a willingness to address their concerns.

Impact: Builds mutual understanding and fosters collaboration on balancing priorities.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for dismissing your concerns earlier. I want to understand what you’re feeling and work on this together.”

Summary of Impact

Validating emotions creates a foundation of emotional safety, understanding, and trust. Dismissing emotions, on the other hand, undermines connection, increases defensiveness, and can damage the relationship over time. Quick repairs are essential to rebuild trust and ensure that dismissive behavior doesn’t take root in the relationship dynamic.

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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Disagree Better: Start Softly, Avoid Harsh, Intense Start Ups

Here are 10 examples of how to “Start Softly” and avoid harsh start-ups in marital disagreements, incorporating insights from John and Julie Gottman, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, David Schnarch, Murry Bowen, and Stan Tatkin. Each example includes a “Done Badly” scenario, an explanation of its impact, a “Done Well” scenario, its benefits, and a quick repair strategy.

1. Discussing Feeling Ignored

Done Badly:

“You never listen to me! You only care about yourself!”

Explanation: This harsh start-up is accusatory and triggers defensiveness. It conveys contempt and criticism, undermining emotional safety.

Impact: Increases conflict intensity, leads to stonewalling or counter-attacks, and weakens trust.

Done Well:

“I feel unheard sometimes, and I’d like us to find a way to improve how we connect during conversations.”

Explanation: This approach is gentle, uses “I” statements, and expresses a need instead of a blame.

Impact: Invites collaboration and empathy, reducing defensiveness and encouraging constructive dialogue.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry I started that in a harsh way. Can we try again? I didn’t mean to accuse you—I just feel hurt and want to share that.”

2. Addressing Forgetfulness

Done Badly:

“You always forget important things! How could you forget again?”

Explanation: “Always” and “again” magnify criticism and imply the partner is inherently flawed.

Impact: Triggers defensiveness, shame, or withdrawal, escalating the issue instead of resolving it.

Done Well:

“I noticed the groceries didn’t get picked up, and I was really counting on that. Can we talk about how to handle these things next time?”

Explanation: Focuses on the specific behavior without attributing a pattern or intent to the partner.

Impact: Keeps the conversation calm and solutions-focused, promoting partnership over blame.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I came across as blaming. I’m sorry for that—I know it’s not intentional.”

3. Expressing Disappointment

Done Badly:

“You never care about what’s important to me!”

Explanation: Overgeneralizations like “never” increase defensiveness and hurt the partner’s sense of being valued.

Impact: Damages emotional connection and leads to feelings of rejection.

Done Well:

“I felt sad when my concern about the budget wasn’t acknowledged. Can we revisit this together?”

Explanation: Acknowledges emotions without blaming or labeling the partner’s character.

Impact: Opens the door to understanding and repair, enhancing emotional closeness.

Quick Repair:

“That wasn’t fair—I know you care. Let me start over.”

4. Setting Boundaries

Done Badly:

“I’m tired of you crossing my boundaries. Stop being so disrespectful!”

Explanation: Combines criticism with contempt, which Gottman identifies as highly corrosive to relationships.

Impact: Escalates conflict and erodes respect, making the partner feel attacked.

Done Well:

“I feel overwhelmed when my boundaries aren’t respected. Can we talk about how to approach this differently?”

Explanation: Uses calm, clear communication to assert a boundary without shaming the partner.

Impact: Encourages collaboration and fosters mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful. I want to have a respectful conversation about my needs.”

5. Sharing a Concern About Time Management

Done Badly:

“You’re always late! You clearly don’t value my time!”

Explanation: Attacks the partner’s character and motivation, escalating conflict.

Impact: Creates defensiveness and reduces the likelihood of constructive problem-solving.

Done Well:

“When plans run late, I feel stressed because I value time together. Can we talk about how to make this smoother?”

Explanation: Expresses feelings and needs without judgment, inviting a collaborative solution.

Impact: Builds understanding and teamwork while preserving emotional safety.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have said that so harshly. I’m sorry for blaming you—I just feel frustrated.”

6. Addressing Parenting Differences

Done Badly:

“You’re way too lenient! No wonder the kids act out!”

Explanation: Criticizes the partner’s parenting style, implying they’re inadequate or to blame.

Impact: Sparks defensiveness and resentment, potentially leading to disengagement.

Done Well:

“I feel unsure about how to handle discipline lately. Can we brainstorm some strategies together?”

Explanation: Frames the issue as shared and invites teamwork rather than blame.

Impact: Strengthens the co-parenting bond and models healthy conflict resolution.

Quick Repair:

“That came out wrong—I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this together.”

7. Bringing Up a Financial Issue

Done Badly:

“You’re terrible with money! Stop wasting it on useless things!”

Explanation: Personal attacks increase defensiveness and shame, halting productive dialogue.

Impact: Deepens financial stress and erodes trust in partnership.

Done Well:

“I’m feeling worried about our budget. Can we sit down and review it together?”

Explanation: Addresses the issue directly and calmly, fostering collaboration.

Impact: Builds trust and shared responsibility, reducing financial tension.

Quick Repair:

“I was too harsh. Let me rephrase—this is something I want us to tackle together.”

8. Handling Sexual Intimacy Concerns

Done Badly:

“You’re never interested in sex anymore. What’s wrong with you?”

Explanation: Creates shame and pressure, increasing emotional and physical distance.

Impact: Damages intimacy and emotional safety, leading to resentment.

Done Well:

“I’ve noticed we’ve been less intimate, and I miss that connection. Can we talk about how you’re feeling?”

Explanation: Expresses vulnerability and curiosity, promoting emotional closeness.

Impact: Creates a safe space for addressing intimacy concerns without blame.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Let’s talk about this in a way that feels safe for both of us.”

9. Resolving Household Chores Conflict

Done Badly:

“You never help around the house! I have to do everything!”

Explanation: Accusatory language leads to defensiveness and fails to resolve the issue.

Impact: Reinforces feelings of inequity and resentment.

Done Well:

“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with housework and could use more help. Can we divide things differently?”

Explanation: Shares feelings and invites a partnership in problem-solving.

Impact: Encourages collaboration and reduces feelings of burden.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry I came across as critical—I know you contribute. Let’s work this out together.”

10. Managing Extended Family Tensions

Done Badly:

“Your family is so controlling! Why don’t you ever stand up to them?”

Explanation: Criticizes both the partner and their family, creating a defensive reaction.

Impact: Increases loyalty conflicts and emotional distance.

Done Well:

“I feel stressed when we navigate family issues. Can we discuss how to handle this together?”

Explanation: Focuses on shared concerns and problem-solving rather than assigning blame.

Impact: Fosters teamwork and strengthens emotional intimacy.

Quick Repair:

“That wasn’t fair of me to criticize your family or you. I want to approach this as a team.”

These strategies align with research on the importance of emotional safety, repair, and constructive communication in relationships. They help de-escalate conflict, foster trust, and maintain intimacy.

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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Disagree Better: Regulate Emotional Responses

10 Examples to Disagree Better: Regulate Emotional Responses

1. Recognizing Emotional Flooding (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A feels overwhelmed but continues arguing, raising their voice. Partner B shuts down in frustration.

• Why: Ignoring emotional flooding prevents either partner from being able to think clearly or resolve the issue.

• Impact: Escalation of conflict, emotional withdrawal, or a cycle of repeated negative interactions.

• Done Well: Partner A recognizes signs of flooding (e.g., increased heart rate) and calls for a 20-minute break to calm down. Partner B agrees and uses the time to self-soothe.

• Why: Pausing the argument allows both partners to return to a calmer state where they can problem-solve effectively.

• Impact: Reduces escalation, improves emotional safety, and models self-regulation.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t realize I was getting overwhelmed. Let me step back and calm down so we can have a better conversation.”

2. Avoiding the Four Horsemen (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A uses criticism: “You never care about my needs.” Partner B responds defensively: “That’s not true! You’re just being dramatic.”

• Why: Criticism and defensiveness reinforce negative cycles of blame and erode trust.

• Impact: Leads to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and disconnection.

• Done Well: Partner A uses a gentle startup: “I feel hurt when I think my needs aren’t being considered. Can we talk about how we handle this?”

• Why: Using “I” statements avoids blame, invites collaboration, and fosters understanding.

• Impact: Promotes connection, problem-solving, and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to come across as blaming. I value you, and I want to find a way to work through this together.”

3. Tuning Into Attachment Needs (Sue Johnson – EFT)

• Done Badly: Partner A feels abandoned and lashes out: “You don’t even care about me!” Partner B withdraws, feeling blamed.

• Why: Reacting from a place of attachment insecurity leads to defensive cycles rather than connection.

• Impact: Reinforces feelings of abandonment and disconnection.

• Done Well: Partner A expresses their vulnerability: “I feel alone and scared when we fight like this. I need to feel we’re in this together.”

• Why: Sharing underlying attachment needs fosters emotional connection and repair.

• Impact: Increases trust and emotional intimacy.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for lashing out. What I really meant is that I feel scared when I don’t feel connected to you.”

4. Differentiation (David Schnarch)

• Done Badly: Partner A relies on Partner B to regulate their emotions, saying, “If you don’t fix this, I can’t handle it.”

• Why: Enmeshment undermines each partner’s emotional autonomy and creates dependency.

• Impact: Leads to resentment and loss of respect.

• Done Well: Partner A manages their emotional response, saying, “This is hard for me, but I’ll work through it. Let’s talk about how we can both feel better.”

• Why: Differentiation fosters self-soothing and promotes mutual support without over-reliance.

• Impact: Builds mutual respect, independence, and resilience.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I was putting too much on you to fix this for me. Let me take a step back and manage my emotions better.”

5. Staying in the Present Moment (Mindfulness)

• Done Badly: Partner A brings up past grievances: “You always do this—just like last time!”

• Why: Focusing on past conflicts distracts from resolving the current issue and adds unnecessary emotional weight.

• Impact: Prolongs the argument and erodes trust.

• Done Well: Partner A focuses on the present: “Right now, I’m feeling hurt because of what was just said. Let’s talk about this moment.”

• Why: Staying present reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation productive.

• Impact: Encourages resolution and prevents emotional overload.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for bringing up the past—I want to focus on what’s happening right now and work on this together.”

6. Regulating Fight-or-Flight Responses (Stan Tatkin)

• Done Badly: Partner A yells, and Partner B storms out of the room without explanation.

• Why: Reactive behaviors intensify the fight-or-flight response, escalating conflict.

• Impact: Reinforces disconnection and unresolved issues.

• Done Well: Partner A notices their tension and takes a deep breath before responding calmly: “I need a moment to calm down so I can really hear you.”

• Why: Regulating physiological responses reduces reactivity and invites connection.

• Impact: Creates safety and promotes a collaborative approach.

Quick Repair:

“I reacted too quickly. Let me calm myself down so I can hear you properly.”

7. Navigating Triangulation (Murry Bowen)

• Done Badly: Partner A complains to a friend or family member about Partner B instead of addressing the issue directly.

• Why: Triangulation avoids direct communication and undermines trust in the relationship.

• Impact: Increases feelings of betrayal and perpetuates unresolved issues.

• Done Well: Partner A directly addresses their concerns with Partner B: “I’ve been feeling distant, and I want to work on that with you.”

• Why: Open, direct communication strengthens the couple’s bond and fosters resolution.

• Impact: Builds trust and emotional closeness.

Quick Repair:

“I made a mistake talking to someone else about this. I should have come to you directly because this matters to me.”

8. Using Repair Attempts (Gottman Research)

• Done Badly: Partner A mocks Partner B’s perspective during a fight.

• Why: Disregarding repair attempts (e.g., humor or bids for connection) increases hostility.

• Impact: Escalates the conflict and damages emotional safety.

• Done Well: Partner A says, “I don’t want this to spiral—let’s take a breath and start over.” Partner B responds with openness.

• Why: Effective repair attempts de-escalate tension and refocus the conversation.

• Impact: Strengthens connection and reduces conflict intensity.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for dismissing your perspective. I want to pause and reconnect so we can figure this out together.”

9. Empathy and Perspective-Taking (Ellyn Bader)

• Done Badly: Partner A dismisses Partner B’s feelings: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

• Why: Dismissing emotions invalidates your partner’s experience and causes disconnection.

• Impact: Creates emotional distance and resentment.

• Done Well: Partner A reflects back: “It sounds like you’re really upset. I want to understand why this matters so much to you.”

• Why: Empathy fosters validation, emotional safety, and understanding.

• Impact: Enhances connection and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have dismissed your feelings. I want to understand why this is so important to you.”

10. Self-Soothing and Co-Regulation (Sue Johnson and Stan Tatkin)

• Done Badly: Partner A escalates their anger, saying, “You’re impossible to talk to!” Partner B mirrors the frustration, shouting back.

• Why: Escalation creates a toxic feedback loop of heightened emotions.

• Impact: Leads to unresolved issues and emotional exhaustion.

• Done Well: Partner A notices their frustration and pauses, saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed—I want to talk about this calmly.” Partner B responds with understanding.

• Why: Self-soothing and co-regulation de-escalate conflict and maintain emotional safety.

• Impact: Builds trust and the ability to navigate disagreements together.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have let my frustration take over. Let’s pause and come back to this when we’re both calmer.”

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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Disagree Better! Complain instead of Criticize. 10 Examples.

Here are 10 examples of how couples can shift from poorly expressed CRITICISM about disagreements to constructive COMPLANT delivery, done well.

According to John Gottman's research, the distinction between a criticism and a complaint lies in the nature and tone of the expression.

A COMPLANT focuses on a specific behavior or expresses how it affects the individual, often framed constructively (e.g., "I feel upset when you don’t help with the dishes").

In contrast, criticism attacks the other person's character or personality, generalizing their behavior and often using "you" statements that imply personal flaws (e.g., "You never help around the house; you’re so lazy").

This fundamental difference is significant because while COMPLANT can foster healthy discussion and understanding, CRITICISMS can lead to defensiveness and conflict, potentially damaging the relationship over time.

10 Examples

Each example includes a “done badly” scenario, an explanation of why it fails, its impact, and a “done well” alternative with its rationale and positive effects.

1. Forgetting Special Dates

• Done Badly: “You’re so inconsiderate. You didn’t even remember our anniversary. Do you even care about me?”

• Why It Fails: This attack focuses on the partner’s character (“inconsiderate”) and assumes neglect without room for explanation.

• Impact: The partner may feel defensive or resentful, leading to emotional distance.

• Done Well: “I felt hurt when our anniversary passed without acknowledgment. This day means a lot to me, and I’d like us to celebrate it together.”

• Why It Works: The focus is on the speaker’s feelings and needs rather than accusations, inviting collaboration.

• Impact: Encourages empathy and mutual problem-solving, strengthening emotional connection.

Quick Repair:

“I realize I was too harsh. What I really meant is that this day is important to me, and I’d like us to celebrate it together.”

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2. Dividing Household Chores

• Done Badly: “You’re so lazy. I’m always the one cleaning up after you.”

• Why It Fails: Name-calling (“lazy”) sparks defensiveness and implies the partner is inherently flawed.

• Impact: Creates resentment and escalates conflict, making it harder to resolve the issue.

• Done Well: “I feel overwhelmed doing most of the cleaning. Can we talk about ways to divide chores more evenly?”

• Why It Works: The speaker owns their feelings and invites cooperation without blame.

• Impact: Opens space for constructive conversation and shared responsibility.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for calling you lazy. That wasn’t fair—I just feel overwhelmed and need more help. Can we figure this out together?”

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3. Quality Time Together

• Done Badly: “You never make time for me. You’re always on your phone or busy with work.”

• Why It Fails: Generalizing (“never”) and blaming shuts down dialogue and can lead to defensiveness.

• Impact: Partner feels accused and unappreciated, reducing willingness to engage.

• Done Well: “I miss spending time together and feel disconnected when we’re not prioritizing us. Can we plan a night to reconnect?”

• Why It Works: Expresses vulnerability and frames the issue as a shared goal.

• Impact: Fosters emotional closeness and problem-solving without defensiveness.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like you don’t care. I just miss us spending time together and want to reconnect.”

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4. Handling Conflict

• Done Badly: “You always shut me out. You’re just selfish and don’t care how I feel.”

• Why It Fails: Assumptions about intent (“selfish”) and global criticisms discourage trust.

• Impact: Escalates the argument, creating emotional withdrawal or counterattacks.

• Done Well: “When you walk away during an argument, I feel alone and unheard. Can we work on staying engaged even when it’s hard?”

• Why It Works: Names the behavior, not the character, and seeks a collaborative solution.

• Impact: Builds trust and fosters better conflict resolution.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have assumed you don’t care. I’m sorry for saying that—I want us to work through this in a way that feels good for both of us.”

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5. Financial Decisions

• Done Badly: “You’re so irresponsible with money. I can’t trust you to make good decisions.”

• Why It Fails: Labels (“irresponsible”) attack the partner’s identity and create shame.

• Impact: Erodes trust and discourages productive financial discussions.

• Done Well: “I felt anxious when you bought that without discussing it. Can we agree to talk about big purchases beforehand?”

• Why It Works: Focuses on feelings and specific behavior, fostering collaboration.

• Impact: Encourages teamwork and reduces financial anxiety.

Quick Repair:

“I regret labeling you as irresponsible. What I meant is that I feel anxious about big purchases, and I’d like us to talk about them beforehand.”

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6. Showing Affection

• Done Badly: “You’re so cold and unloving. I can’t believe how distant you’ve become.”

• Why It Fails: Labels (“cold”) and catastrophizing push the partner away rather than inviting change.

• Impact: Amplifies feelings of rejection and alienation.

• Done Well: “I’ve missed your hugs and kisses lately. They make me feel loved and close to you.”

• Why It Works: Shares specific needs and invites connection without criticism.

• Impact: Increases emotional and physical intimacy.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for calling you cold. I didn’t mean to criticize—I miss feeling close to you and want to share that with you.”

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7. Parenting Disagreements

• Done Badly: “You’re always undermining me in front of the kids. Do you even respect me as a parent?”

• Why It Fails: Accusatory tone and generalizations (“always”) escalate tension.

• Impact: Undermines teamwork in parenting and creates emotional distance.

• Done Well: “I felt unsupported when you disagreed with me in front of the kids. Can we discuss parenting approaches privately?”

• Why It Works: Acknowledges feelings and invites constructive dialogue.

• Impact: Strengthens co-parenting alignment and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I realize saying you undermine me wasn’t helpful. I’m sorry for that—I’d like us to find a way to discuss these things privately so we can parent as a team.”

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8. Emotional Availability

• Done Badly: “You’re never there for me. You don’t care about my feelings.”

• Why It Fails: Absolutes (“never”) and accusations block the partner from responding empathetically.

• Impact: Creates emotional withdrawal and deepens the disconnection.

• Done Well: “I’ve been feeling lonely lately and would love to talk about how we’re both feeling.”

• Why It Works: Expresses needs without blame and invites mutual sharing.

• Impact: Promotes emotional closeness and understanding.

Quick Repair:

“I didn’t mean to accuse you of not caring. I’ve just been feeling lonely and would really love to connect more with you.”

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9. Decision-Making Together

• Done Badly: “You always make decisions without me. It’s like my opinion doesn’t matter.”

• Why It Fails: Implies the partner is dismissive and minimizes their intent.

• Impact: Creates defensiveness and discourages collaboration.

• Done Well: “I felt left out when you made that decision without me. Can we make future decisions as a team?”

• Why It Works: Focuses on the behavior and suggests a collaborative approach.

• Impact: Encourages shared decision-making and mutual respect.

Quick Repair:

“I’m sorry for making it sound like you don’t value my opinion. What I meant is that I want us to make decisions together because your input matters to me.”

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10. Handling Stress

• Done Badly: “You’re impossible to talk to when stressed. I can’t deal with you.”

• Why It Fails: Criticizes the partner’s coping mechanisms without support.

• Impact: Increases stress and emotional withdrawal.

• Done Well: “I know you’re stressed, but I feel disconnected when we don’t talk. How can I support you better?”

• Why It Works: Shows empathy while addressing the need for connection.

• Impact: Reduces stress and strengthens the bond through support and understanding.

Quick Repair:

“I shouldn’t have said you’re impossible to talk to. I know stress is hard for both of us, and I want to be more supportive while also staying connected.

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Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Disagree Better

Disagree Better:

10 Principles with Examples

1. Start Softly, Avoid Harsh Start-Ups

• Done Badly: “You’re so selfish! You never help around the house!”

• Explanation: Aggressive accusations create an immediate defensive response and escalate conflict.

• Impact: The partner feels attacked and shuts down, reducing the chance for a meaningful resolution.

• Done Well: “I feel overwhelmed with the housework. Can we talk about how we can share the responsibilities better?”

• Explanation: Using “I” statements focuses on personal feelings and invites collaboration.

• Impact: Sets a respectful tone, encouraging cooperation and reducing defensiveness.

2. Express Complaints, Not Criticism

• Done Badly: “You never care about me or what I need!”

•Explanation: Criticizing a partner’s character with absolutes like “never” or “always” triggers defensiveness.

•Impact: Shifts focus away from the issue and into a blame game, halting progress.

• Done Well: “I felt hurt when you didn’t ask about my big meeting. It’s important to me to feel supported in moments like that.”

•Explanation: Complaints focus on specific behaviors, allowing the partner to understand the impact without feeling attacked.

•Impact: Opens a pathway for resolution and reinforces trust through constructive dialogue.

3. Regulate Emotional Responses

• Done Badly: “I’m done talking about this!” (Partner storms out, slamming the door.)

• Explanation: Reacting impulsively without managing emotions increases tension and damages emotional safety.

• Impact: Escalates the conflict, leaving both partners feeling unheard and disconnected.

• Done Well: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 10-minute break to calm down and return to this?

• Explanation: Pausing allows both partners to self-regulate and prevents emotional flooding.

• Impact: Maintains safety and keeps the door open for constructive dialogue.

4. Validate Emotions, Don’t Dismiss

• Done Badly: “You’re overreacting! It’s not that big of a deal!”

• Explanation: Dismissing emotions invalidates the partner’s experience, leading to feelings of rejection.

• Impact: Amplifies disconnection and resentment, making achieving resolution more challenging.

• Done Well: “I can see this matters to you. Tell me more about what’s bothering you.”

• Explanation: Validation acknowledges the partner’s feelings, showing empathy and interest.

• Impact: Strengthens emotional trust and fosters more profound understanding.

5. Address Conflict Directly, Don’t Avoid

• Done Badly: “Let’s just drop it. It’s not worth talking about.”

• Explanation: Avoiding conflict to maintain peace leaves issues unresolved and creates emotional distance.

• Impact: Builds resentment over time and prevents necessary growth in the relationship.

• Done Well: “I know this is a hard topic, but i believe in us and we can work through it.”

• Explanation: Addressing vulnerability issues fosters trust and allows for resolution.

• Impact: Encourages open communication and emotional growth.

6. Clarify Intentions, Don’t Assume

• Done Badly: “You’re just trying to make me feel bad!”

• Explanation: Assuming harmful intentions without clarifying leads to mistrust and defensiveness.

• Impact: Escalates conflict and prevents productive communication.

• Done Well: “I’m not sure what you meant by that. Can you help me understand?”

• Explanation: Asking for clarification prevents misunderstandings and encourages mutual respect.

• Impact: Builds trust and ensures both partners feel heard and respected.

7. Balance Autonomy and Connection

• Done Badly: “We need to agree on everything, or this relationship won’t work.”

• Explanation: Over-fusion* demands alignment at the expense of individuality, creating dependence and resentment.

• Impact: Stifles personal growth and weakens the relationship dynamic.

*In over-fusion, partners may prioritize the relationship to the extent that their personal needs, desires, and interests are neglected. This can lead to issues such as resentment, loss of self, and communication difficulties, as each partner may rely too heavily on the other for emotional support and fulfillment. This can make the relationship less resilient.

• Done Well: “I respect that we see this differently. Let’s figure out a way for us to move forward.”

• Explanation: Embracing differences strengthens the partnership by respecting autonomy and fostering collaboration.

• Impact: Encourages mutual respect and strengthens the bond.

8. Break the Blame Cycle

• Done Badly: “You’re the reason we’re always fighting! You don’t care about us!”

• Explanation: Blame creates a hostile environment, triggering defensiveness and emotional withdrawal.

• Impact: Reinforces a cycle of frustration and disconnection.

• Done Well: “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what’s been going on between us?”

• Explanation: Expressing vulnerability without blame invites connection and collaboration.

• Impact: Encourages responsiveness and fosters emotional intimacy.

9. Honor Agreements and Secure Functioning

• Done Badly: “I know we said we wouldn’t yell, but I’m too upset right now!”

• Explanation: Breaking commitments during conflict undermines trust and reliability.

• Impact: This creates insecurity and weakens the foundation of the relationship.

• Done Well: “We agreed not to yell, please, so let’s stick to that and take turns speaking calmly.”

• Explanation: Honoring shared agreements reinforces trust and demonstrates respect for the relationship.

• Impact: Builds safety and cooperation, allowing for productive conflict resolution.

10. Embrace Differences as Strengths

• Done Badly: “We’re too different. This just isn’t going to work.”

• Explanation: Viewing differences as obstacles create division and hopelessness.

• Impact: Erodes connection and reduces the growth potential.

• Done Well: “Our differences give us a unique perspective. Let’s see how we can use them to solve this.”

• Explanation: Reframing differences as opportunities for collaboration fosters appreciation and creativity.

• Impact: Strengthens mutual respect and reinforces the sense of partnership.

These principles, drawn from the expertise of Gottman, Johnson, Bader, Schnarch, and Tatkin, provide actionable ways to navigate disagreements constructively. By starting gently, expressing needs clearly, validating emotions, and embracing differences, couples can strengthen trust, deepen intimacy, and grow together. Constructive disagreements become an opportunity to learn, evolve, and build a stronger relationship.

——-

Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Why does my brain always imagine the worst?

You’re not alone if you find yourself frequently stuck in a loop of imagining the worst-case scenario. This process, known as catastrophizing, can feel overwhelming and frustrating. But here’s an important perspective: this tendency is rooted in your brain’s design, a mechanism that evolved to help humans survive. Understanding how your brain works during these moments can be a decisive step toward breaking free from the cycle of worry.

The Brain’s Key Players in Catastrophizing

Two brain areas play crucial roles in this process: the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. These structures work together to evaluate threats and determine the best response. Let’s break down their roles:

1. The Amygdala: Your Brain’s Alarm System

The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure in the brain that acts as an emotional alarm system. It’s responsible for processing fear and anxiety, detecting potential threats, and triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response.

When there’s a real crisis, the amygdala kicks into action, helping you focus on immediate dangers and prioritize survival. This is why you might suddenly feel a surge of alertness or urgency in moments of perceived threat.

2. The Prefrontal Cortex: The Planner

The prefrontal cortex, located at the front of your brain, is the center for higher-order thinking. It’s responsible for decision-making, planning, and problem-solving. When the brain is not overwhelmed by danger signals, the prefrontal cortex steps in to evaluate potential scenarios, weigh risks and benefits, and develop a course of action.

Evolutionarily, this ability to simulate “what-if” situations has been critical for survival. By imagining possible outcomes, our ancestors could plan, avoid dangers, and increase their chances of survival.

When the System Misfires: Catastrophizing

In a true crisis, the amygdala and prefrontal cortex work harmoniously, making you consider worst-case scenarios and choose the best path forward. This system is adaptive and life-saving when facing immediate, tangible threats.

However, in modern life, most threats are psychological rather than physical—think worries about failure, social rejection, or financial stress. In these situations, the brain’s alarm system can become overactive.

This is where catastrophizing comes in. Instead of evaluating threats realistically, the amygdala might dominate, fixating on worst-case scenarios. The prefrontal cortex, overwhelmed by this emotional flood, struggles to provide balanced reasoning. This imbalance can leave you stuck, feeling as though every possible outcome is a disaster.

Why Does the Brain Do This?

The tendency to catastrophize is not a flaw; it’s an overextension of an evolved survival mechanism. For our ancestors, imagining the worst-case scenario—like a predator lurking in the bushes—meant they could prepare and stay safe.

Today, we face fewer immediate physical threats, but our brains haven’t fully adapted to this new reality. As a result, the same mechanism that kept our ancestors alive can lead to overthinking and anxiety in modern life.

How This Mechanism Can Be Helpful

When working as intended, the amygdala and prefrontal cortex collaboration is a powerful tool. It allows you to:

• Quickly identify potential threats.

• Generate multiple possible outcomes, including worst-case scenarios.

• Prioritize responses based on the likelihood and severity of each outcome.

• Take decisive action in uncertain or high-stress situations.

This combination of emotional alertness and strategic thinking is what enables humans to respond effectively to both immediate and long-term challenges.

Breaking Free from Catastrophizing

Understanding the roles of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex can help you recognize when your brain is catastrophizing. Here are some steps to regain balance:

1. Pause and Breathe: Slow deep breaths can calm the amygdala and reduce the fight-or-flight response.

2. Engage Your Prefrontal Cortex: Ask yourself, “What’s the evidence for this scenario?” or “What’s the most likely outcome?”

3. Reframe the Situation: Identify positive or neutral possibilities instead of focusing on worst-case scenarios.

4. Practice Mindfulness: Staying present can prevent your mind from spiraling into future-focused worries.

5. Seek Support: A therapist can help you develop strategies to quiet the alarm system and strengthen your reasoning skills.

By understanding and working with the brain’s natural tendencies, you can transform catastrophizing from a source of distress into an opportunity for growth and resilience. Remember: your brain’s ability to anticipate challenges is a strength—you need guide it toward constructive paths.

Thank You For Telling Me That, Now, What Do I Do?

Welcoming feedback from your spouse, especially when it’s hard to hear, can strengthen your relationship and deepen emotional intimacy.

1. From John & Julie Gottman: Build a Foundation of Trust and Repair

Emotion Coaching: Gottman emphasizes understanding your and your spouse's emotions. When receiving hard feedback:

1. Acknowledge your spouse's feelings without defensiveness.

   Done Badly:

   - Example: When a spouse expresses frustration about feeling neglected, the other responds defensively: "I can't believe you're saying that! I do so much for you!"

   - Why: This reaction dismisses the spouse's feelings and shifts the focus to oneself, creating a sense of invalidation.

   - Impact: The spouse feels unheard and may become more frustrated or withdraw, leading to further disconnect in the relationship.

   Done Well:

   - Example: The spouse responds: "I can see you're feeling neglected, and I'm sorry that this is happening."

   - Why: This response validates the spouse's feelings and shows empathy.

   - Impact: The spouse feels heard and understood, which fosters emotional connection and opens the door for constructive dialogue.

   • Take a deep breath and repeat what you heard to ensure understanding (e.g., "So you're saying that...").

Done Badly:

- Example: After receiving feedback, one partner immediately retorts: "That's not true! You're exaggerating!"

- Why: This reaction shows a lack of effort to understand and leads to escalation.

- Impact: Miscommunication occurs, and the initial issue remains unresolved, leading to resentment.

Done Well:

- Example: The partner takes a moment, breathes, and says: "So you're saying that you feel overwhelmed with household responsibilities?"

- Why: This shows active listening and confirms understanding.

- Impact: It clarifies the message and helps both partners feel more aligned, making it easier to work through the issue together.

• Turn Towards, Not Away: Even if the feedback feels like criticism, see it as an invitation to connect. Respond with curiosity rather than withdrawal or attack.

Done Badly:

- Example: When faced with feedback, one partner shuts down, saying, "I don’t want to talk about this right now," and leaves the room.

- Why: This response avoids engagement and can be perceived as rejection.

- Impact: It creates emotional distance and can lead to feelings of abandonment or anxiety in the other partner.

Done Well:

- Example: The partner responds with curiosity: "I want to understand what you're feeling. Can you tell me more about it?"

- Why: This approach invites deeper conversation and shows commitment to the relationship.

- Impact: It strengthens the emotional bond and allows for collaborative problem-solving, leading to improved relationship satisfaction.

• Repair Attempts: If you feel overwhelmed, please feel free to ask for a pause but express your intention to revisit the conversation. Repair attempts—like humor, affection, a genuine apology, or taking the six steps to repair—can help keep the discussion going

Done Badly:

- Example: During a heated argument, one partner throws their hands up and says, "Forget it! I’m done with this conversation!"

- Why: This reaction indicates a complete withdrawal from engagement and a lack of care for the relationship.

- Impact: It can escalate the conflict, create lasting wounds, and damage trust.

Done Well:

- Example: One partner recognizes the conversation is getting heated and says, "Let’s take a break for a few minutes, and we can come back to this. I care about resolving this."

- Why: This acknowledges the emotional intensity and prioritizes the relationship.

- Impact: It allows both partners to cool down and reflect, leading to a more constructive conversation later and reinforcing the idea that both partners are committed to the conversation and the relationship.

Repair After An Argument

2. From Sue Johnson: Focus on Emotional Safety

• Attachment Framework: Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) views difficult feedback as a bid for connection. Ask yourself:

  • What is my spouse really feeling underneath the words? (e.g., fear, hurt, longing)

  • How can I respond in a way that reassures their emotional safety?

Ask Yourself: What is my spouse really feeling underneath the words?

Done Badly:

- Example: When a spouse expresses frustration about household chores, the other retorts, "You're just being unreasonable. I work hard too!"

- Why: This response dismisses the deeper emotions behind the frustration, such as feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated.

- Impact: The frustrated spouse may feel invalidated and more isolated, leading to further escalation of the conflict and emotional distance.

Done Well:

- Example: The spouse responds, "It sounds like you feel really overwhelmed with everything on your plate. Is that right?"

- Why: This response seeks to understand the deeper feelings of the spouse, such as stress or fatigue.

- Impact: By acknowledging the underlying emotions, the frustrated spouse feels heard and validated, fostering an environment of emotional safety and encouraging open communication.

• Soften Your Heart: Even if the feedback triggers defensiveness, focus on the underlying need for connection. Respond with vulnerability rather than shutting down.

Done Badly:

- Example: When receiving feedback about not spending enough quality time together, one partner responds defensively: "I can't believe you're saying that! I have a lot on my plate!"

- Why: This reaction focuses on self-protection and shuts down the conversation, ignoring the vulnerability behind the feedback.

- Impact: The other partner may feel rejected and more inclined to withdraw or escalate the conflict, leading to greater emotional disconnection.

Done Well:

- Example: The partner takes a deep breath and responds, "I see that you need more time together, and I feel sad that I haven't been there for you."

- Why: This response acknowledges their partner's feelings and expresses vulnerability.

- Impact: It opens the door for connection and understanding, creating a safe emotional space where both partners can share their needs and desires without fear of backlash.

• Name the Cycle: If the feedback spirals into conflict, label the dynamic ("It feels like we're caught in that cycle where I withdraw and you get more upset"). This externalizes the problem and helps you unite against it.

Done Badly:

- Example: In the midst of an argument, one partner says, "You always do this! You never listen!" while the other lashes back, "Well, you always overreact!"

- Why: This reaction intensifies the blame and fails to address the underlying pattern of behavior in their interactions.

- Impact: The argument escalates, and both partners feel more entrenched in their positions, leading to unresolved issues and increased resentment.

Done Well:

- Example: One partner says, "It feels like we're caught in that cycle where I withdraw, and you get more upset. Can we try to break that pattern?"

- Why: This approach externalizes the problem, shifting the focus from blaming each other to understanding the dynamic at play.

- Impact: By naming the cycle, both partners can work together to address the underlying issues, fostering cooperation and reducing defensiveness. This creates a sense of teamwork and emotional safety, encouraging healthier supportive relationship environment.

3. From Ellyn Bader: Embrace Growth and Differentiation

• Self-Regulation: Bader emphasizes the importance of tolerating discomfort to grow. When feedback feels hard:

  • Ground yourself by taking deep breaths and remembering that discomfort is part of growth.

  • Stay present rather than shutting down or trying to resolve the discomfort immediately.

Done Badly:

- Example: When a spouse receives feedback about being too busy with work and neglecting family time, they immediately react defensively: "You don’t understand how hard I work! I’m doing this for us!"

- Why: This reaction indicates an inability to tolerate the discomfort of criticism, resulting in a defensive shutdown rather than self-reflection.

- Impact: The receiving spouse feels attacked and may withdraw, leading to unresolved issues and a lack of communication. This can escalate tension and create emotional distance between partners.

Done Well:

- Example: The spouse takes a deep breath and says, "I feel defensive about my work right now, but I want to hear what you're saying. Let me take a moment to ground myself."

- Why: This response demonstrates self-regulation by acknowledging discomfort and the need for a moment to process feedback without shutting down.

- Impact: Grounding oneself fosters a more open and constructive dialogue, allowing both partners to communicate more effectively and feel heard, which strengthens their emotional connection.

• Curiosity Over Defensiveness: Instead of seeing feedback as an attack, approach it with curiosity. Ask clarifying questions to understand your spouse's perspective better.

Done Badly:

- Example: When the spouse expresses feelings of being neglected, the partner responds with, "That’s not true! You’re just being dramatic!"

- Why: This defensiveness dismisses the feelings of the other partner and avoids engaging with the feedback.

- Impact: The spouse feels invalidated and may escalate their frustration, leading to further conflict and a breakdown in communication.

Done Well:

- Example: The partner responds, "I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can you tell me more about what you’re experiencing?"

- Why: This approach demonstrates curiosity and a willingness to understand the other partner’s perspective, even if it feels uncomfortable.

- Impact: By approaching the conversation with curiosity, the spouse feels valued and understood, fostering a healthier dialogue and deeper emotional intimacy.

• Differentiate Without Disconnecting: Bader teaches that healthy couples balance individuality and connection. Acknowledge your partner’s perspective even if you don’t entirely agree. For example: "I see how you feel that way. Let me reflect on this more."

Done Badly:

- Example: In a discussion about how to spend the weekend, one partner insists, "We should do what I want; your ideas are always too boring!"

- Why: This response disregards the other partner’s perspective and creates a sense of disconnection.

- Impact: The dismissive approach can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, causing one partner to feel undervalued and less inclined to share their thoughts in the future.

Done Well:

- Example: The partner says, "I hear that you want to relax this weekend, and I want to explore some new activities. I see how you feel that way. Let me reflect on this more."

- Why: This response acknowledges the other partner's feelings while also expressing individual desires, promoting healthy differentiation.

- Impact: By validating each other's perspectives, both partners can explore compromises that respect individuality while maintaining connection. This fosters mutual respect and strengthens their bond.

Practical Tips (Based on All Three Approaches):

1. Pause Before Reacting: Use a mindfulness technique, like counting to three, to respond thoughtfully.

2. Validate Feelings: Even if the feedback feels unfair, start with validation (e.g., "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that").

3. Own Your Part: Accept responsibility for your actions, even if you feel your partner's perspective isn’t fully accurate.

4. Ask for Specifics: If feedback is vague or overwhelming, gently ask for concrete examples to better understand.

5. Express Gratitude: Thank your spouse for their honesty, even if it’s hard to hear (e.g., "I know it’s not easy to share this, but I appreciate that you did").

10 More Examples

Here are ten examples of dealing with hard-to-hear feedback from a spouse, both done badly and done well, along with explanations of the impact on the spouse in each case, utilizing the resources from Gottman, Bader, and Johnson.

Example 1: Pause Before Reacting

Done Badly:

When receiving feedback, a spouse immediately reacts with anger, saying, "How could you even think that about me?"

Impact on Spouse: This response shuts down communication and makes the feedback-giver feel defensive and hurt, leading to further conflict.

Done Well:

The spouse takes a moment to breathe and counts to three before responding, saying, "That's a lot to take in; let me think about it for a second."

Impact on Spouse: This shows that the feedback is being considered seriously, promoting an atmosphere of emotional safety and willingness to engage in dialogue.

Example 2: Validate Feelings

Done Badly:

A spouse dismisses the other’s feelings by saying, "You shouldn’t feel that way; it's not a big deal."

Impact on Spouse: This invalidation can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment, as the feedback-giver feels unheard and unimportant.

Done Well:

The spouse responds with, "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that; I understand it means a lot to you."

Impact on Spouse: Validating feelings fosters a sense of connection and understanding, encouraging more open and honest conversations.

Example 3: Own Your Part

Done Badly:

A spouse responds by saying, "That's not true; you're the one who overreacts."

Impact on Spouse: This defensiveness creates a blame game, leading to frustration and a breakdown in trust and communication.

Done Well:

The spouse acknowledges, "I can see how my actions contributed to this; I'm sorry for that."

Impact on Spouse: Taking ownership builds trust and shows a commitment to improving the relationship, encouraging the spouse to feel valued.

Example 4: Ask for Specifics

Done Badly:

The spouse responds to vague feedback with frustration, saying, "You always do this; it's never specific!"

Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel criticized and less likely to share in the future, fostering resentment.

Done Well:

The spouse gently asks, "Can you give me a specific example of what you mean? I want to understand better."

Impact on Spouse: Seeking clarity encourages constructive dialogue and shows a genuine interest in resolving the issue.

Example 5: Express Gratitude

Done Badly:

A spouse reacts with annoyance, saying, "I can't believe you brought this up; it's so unnecessary."

Impact on Spouse: This response can make the feedback-giver feel unappreciated and discouraged from being honest in the future.

Done Well:

The spouse responds with, "Thank you for sharing this with me; I know it’s not easy to say."

Impact on Spouse: Gratitude fosters a positive environment where both partners feel safe to communicate openly.

Example 6: Use Mindfulness Techniques

Done Badly:

A spouse interrupts and raises their voice during a conversation, saying, "You don't understand how hard my day was!"

Impact on Spouse: This can escalate conflict and create an environment of hostility, making it hard for either partner to feel heard.

Done Well:

The spouse practices deep breathing before replying, saying, "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but I want to hear you out."

Impact on Spouse: This promotes emotional safety and encourages a calm exchange, allowing both partners to express themselves without escalating tension.

Example 7: Acknowledge Past Patterns

Done Badly:

A spouse denies any previous issues, stating, "This is just a one-time thing; you’re overreacting."

Impact on Spouse: This can make the feedback-giver feel frustrated and invalidated, as it dismisses their concerns and experiences.

Done Well:

The spouse reflects, "I realize we've had similar conversations before; let's work together on this."

Impact on Spouse: Acknowledging past patterns shows awareness and a willingness to change, deepening trust in the relationship.

Example 8: Maintain a Non-Defensive Posture

Done Badly:

A spouse crosses their arms and turns away, saying, "Whatever, I don’t want to talk about this."

Impact on Spouse: This body language and refusal to engage can heighten feelings of rejection and frustration, discouraging future conversations.

Done Well:

The spouse maintains eye contact and an open posture, saying, "I want to hear what you’re saying, even if it’s hard for me."

Impact on Spouse: This openness encourages sharing and reinforces emotional connection, enhancing the dialogue.

Example 9: Focus on Solutions

Done Badly:

A spouse responds with, "Well, that’s just how I am, and I’m not changing."

Impact on Spouse: This can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration, as it suggests a lack of commitment to the relationship.

Done Well:

The spouse replies, "I appreciate your perspective; let’s discuss how we can address this together."

Impact on Spouse: Focusing on solutions promotes teamwork and collaboration, reinforcing a shared commitment to the relationship.

Example 10: Revisit the Conversation Later

Done Badly:

A spouse brushes off the feedback and changes the topic, avoiding any further discussion.

Impact on Spouse: Avoidance can create lingering resentment and disconnect, leading to unresolved issues.

Done Well:

After taking time to reflect, the spouse later says, "I’ve thought more about what you said, and I’d like to discuss it further."

Impact on Spouse: Reopening the conversation shows commitment to understanding and resolving issues, fostering deeper intimacy and trust.

______

By approaching difficult feedback with trust (Gottman), emotional safety (Johnson), and a growth mindset (Bader), you can transform challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. By applying these principles, couples can ensure that difficult conversations yield positive outcomes, strengthening their relationship rather than causing harm.

———-

• Gratitude: You appreciate their honesty.

• Openness: You’re willing to listen without defensiveness.

• Commitment to Growth: You’re eager to improve the relationship.

•       Empathy: You care about your spouse’s feelings and are dedicated to your relationship.

———

Don Elium, MFT 925 256-8282 Text/Phone in Northern and Southern California

Thank you for telling me that

Here are ten examples where responding with "Thank you for telling me that" to difficult feedback from a spouse can be healing and productive, with an explanation for each:

1. Spouse: "I feel like you don’t listen to me when discussing my day."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
Acknowledging this feedback without defensiveness demonstrates that you value your spouse’s feelings and allows better communication. It signals that their experience matters to you.

2. Spouse: "You’ve been so focused on work lately that I feel neglected."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
Saying "thank you" shows vulnerability and appreciation for their honesty, helping to diffuse tension and showing a willingness to address an imbalance in attention and priorities.

3. Spouse: "Sometimes I feel like you dismiss my ideas."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
This response validates their courage to share something that might feel risky. It shows you are open to recognizing blind spots and eager to understand their perspective.

4. Spouse: "I don’t feel appreciated for everything I do around the house."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
In response to this feedback, gratitude softens the exchange and conveys that you’re ready to consider their unmet needs and how your actions might impact them.

5. Spouse: "How you speak to me when stressed feels hurtful."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
A calm acknowledgment diffuses the potential for escalation and communicates a desire to be more mindful about how stress affects your behavior and your spouse’s emotions.

6. Spouse: "I’m not as happy in this relationship as I used to be."

You: Thank you for telling me that.
Expressing gratitude for this hard truth demonstrates emotional maturity and commitment to growth. It opens a path for an honest discussion about what can change.

7. Spouse: "You don’t seem to make time for us anymore."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
By thanking your spouse, you acknowledge their concern and convey that you value the relationship, paving the way for meaningful efforts to reconnect.

8. Spouse: "I feel like I’m always planning things for us."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
This response avoids defensiveness and shows you’re receptive to rebalancing responsibilities and fostering teamwork and shared effort.

9. Spouse: "You sometimes talk over me in conversations, and it makes me feel small."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
Sincerely, thanking them for pointing this out shows humility and respect. It helps rebuild trust by addressing behavior that might unintentionally undermine their confidence.

10. Spouse: "I feel like we’ve grown apart emotionally."

You: Thank you for telling me that.

Why it’s healing:
This response acknowledges their vulnerability in expressing this and allows them to work on emotional intimacy together without assigning blame.

Why This Approach Works Overall

Saying "Thank you for telling me that" creates a safe space for your spouse to share their feelings without fear of dismissal or hostility. It reflects:

• Gratitude: You appreciate their honesty.

• Openness: You’re willing to listen without defensiveness.

• Commitment to Growth: You’re eager to improve the relationship.

This phrase can shift the dynamic from conflict to collaboration, reinforcing a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

—————————

• Gratitude: You appreciate their honesty.

• Openness: You’re willing to listen without defensiveness.

• Commitment to Growth: You’re eager to improve the relationship.

•       Empathy: You care about your spouse’s feelings and are dedicated to your relationship.

The Difference Between Protective and Vulnerable Emotions

Expressing vulnerable emotions rather than relying on protective emotions fosters deeper connection, trust, and positive conflict resolution . . .

Protective emotions, such as anger, resentment, or disdain, serve as shields to guard against emotional pain or perceived threats. These emotions often arise as a defense mechanism to prevent feelings of vulnerability from surfacing. For example, when someone feels hurt or rejected, they might express anger to mask their underlying sadness or fear. Protective emotions create a sense of control or strength, making it easier to deflect criticism, avoid confrontation with deeper emotional truths, or maintain a sense of power in challenging situations. While these emotions can serve a purpose in the short term, they may hinder meaningful connections if they become a default response.

In contrast, vulnerable emotions, such as sadness, fear, or shame, are raw and unguarded expressions of our innermost feelings. They reflect a person’s openness and willingness to confront their emotional reality without hiding behind defenses. These emotions invite empathy and connection, as they often resonate deeply with others and foster a sense of shared humanity. Acknowledging and expressing vulnerable emotions can be challenging because it requires lowering emotional defenses and risking rejection or misunderstanding. However, embracing vulnerability is often essential for building trust, resolving conflicts, and fostering intimacy in relationships. While protective emotions safeguard, vulnerable emotions heal and connect.

Vulnerable Emotions Include:

1. Sadness - Feeling sorrowful or unhappy, often due to loss or disappointment.

2. Fear - An anxious feeling caused by the anticipation of danger or pain.

3. Shame - Feeling embarrassed or humiliated, often linked to a sense of unworthiness.

4. Guilt - Feeling responsible or remorseful for a perceived wrongdoing.

5. Loneliness - Feeling isolated or disconnected from others.

6. Grief - Deep sorrow from loss or anticipated loss.

7. Insecurity - Lack of confidence or certainty in oneself.

8. Hurt - Emotional pain caused by an action or event.

9. Vulnerability - The state of being open to closeness with the risk of emotional hurt.

10. Anxiety - Persistent worry or nervousness about uncertain outcomes.

Protective Emotions Include:

1. Anger - A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility, often used to assert control or defend oneself.

2. Defiance - Resistance to authority or opposition, often as a defense mechanism.

3. Indifference - Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy, often used to protect oneself from emotional pain.

4. Sarcasm - Use of irony to mock or convey contempt, often as a defense against vulnerability.

5. Cynicism - Distrust of others' motives, often used to guard against disappointment.

6. Hostility - Aggressive or unfriendly behavior, often as a defense mechanism.

7. Contempt - A feeling of superiority and disdain towards others used to protect self-esteem.

8. Disdain - The feeling that someone or something is unworthy of respect or consideration.

9. Detachment - Emotional disengagement or withdrawal, often to avoid being hurt.

10. Resentment - Persistent ill will or anger toward someone, often used to mask more profound hurt feelings.

According to John Gottman’s research, expressing vulnerable emotions rather than relying on protective emotions fosters deeper connection, trust, and positive conflict resolution in marital relationships. Protective emotions often mask deeper feelings, creating defensiveness and distance, while vulnerable emotions encourage empathy and understanding. Here are 10 examples contrasting protective and vulnerable emotions in marital conversations, along with their respective impacts:

1. Feeling Unappreciated

• Protective Emotion:
  "You never help around the house! You're so lazy."
  Impact: Triggers defensiveness and blame, escalating conflict.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I feel overwhelmed and like I’m doing this all alone. Can we talk about sharing responsibilities?"
  Impact: Encourages collaboration and empathy, leading to problem-solving.

2. Disappointment

• Protective Emotion:
  "I can’t believe you forgot again. You just don’t care!"
  Impact: Creates resentment and a feeling of being attacked.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I felt hurt when my request was forgotten. It makes me feel unimportant."
  Impact: Opens the door for repair and understanding.

3. Feeling Criticized

• Protective Emotion:
  "Why are you always on my case? Can't you just stop nagging?"
  Impact: Sparks defensiveness and escalates tension.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "When you point out what I’m not doing, I feel like I’m failing you."
  Impact: Encourages the partner to soften their approach and connect emotionally.

4. Sexual Intimacy

• Protective Emotion:
  "You never want to be close anymore. What’s wrong with you?"
  Impact: Creates shame and emotional withdrawal.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I’ve been feeling disconnected and I miss the closeness we used to have."
  Impact: Invites a safe, open discussion about intimacy and connection.

5. Financial Stress

• Protective Emotion:
  "You're so irresponsible with money!"
  Impact: Causes defensiveness and a lack of trust.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I feel really anxious about our finances and I need us to work together on a plan."
  Impact: Promotes teamwork and shared responsibility.

6. Feeling Ignored

• Protective Emotion:
  "You never listen to me. Why do I even bother?"
  Impact: Pushes the partner further away, increasing emotional distance.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I feel invisible when my thoughts aren’t acknowledged. Can we try to be more present with each other?"
  Impact: Encourages mindfulness and mutual respect.

7. Arguments About Parenting

• Protective Emotion:
  "You’re too soft on the kids. That’s why they don’t respect us."
  Impact: Fuels defensiveness and undermines teamwork.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I feel uncertain about how we’re handling this. Can we figure out a way to approach it together?"
  Impact: Builds collaboration and shared decision-making.

8. Time Together

• Protective Emotion:
  "You never make time for me. I guess I’m not a priority."
  Impact: Triggers guilt and potentially causes avoidance.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I miss spending quality time with you. Can we plan a night for just us?"
  Impact: Invites connection and prioritization of the relationship.

9. Unmet Expectations

• Protective Emotion:
  *"I guess I can’t count on you to do anything right!"

  
  Impact: Creates feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness, increasing conflict.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I was really hoping you’d follow through because it means a lot to me. Can we figure out what went wrong?"
  Impact: Encourages accountability and constructive problem-solving.

10. Feeling Disrespected

• Protective Emotion:
  "You always talk down to me. I’m not stupid, you know!"
  Impact: Provokes defensiveness and perpetuates cycles of contempt.

• Vulnerable Emotion:
  "I feel hurt and belittled when I’m spoken to that way. Can we talk about how we communicate with each other?"
  Impact: Fosters mutual respect and healthier communication.

Summary of Impacts:

• Protective Emotions: Lead to defensiveness, emotional disconnection, and escalated conflicts.

• Vulnerable Emotions: Promote empathy, connection, and resolution by revealing underlying feelings and needs and builds trust, that you have your partner’s emotional back.

Gottman’s research highlights the importance of shifting from criticism and defensiveness (key components of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”) to expressions of vulnerability to strengthen marital trust.

Hyperthymic Personality Is A Temperament; Not A Disorder

A hyperthymic personality is characterized by an enduringly positive mood, high energy levels, and an optimistic outlook on life. Individuals with this temperament are often described as sociable, enthusiastic, and resilient, displaying a marked capacity to bounce back from setbacks. They are talkative and extroverted, often charming others with their warmth and humor. This personality type is typically associated with a natural exuberance, a proclivity for adventure, and a tendency to take risks. While their energy and confidence can be highly motivating, they may sometimes exhibit impulsivity or lack patience in structured environments.

On the flip side, hyperthymic personalities can occasionally struggle with boundaries, as their high energy and gregarious nature may overwhelm more introverted individuals. Their impulsiveness can sometimes lead to decisions made without fully weighing potential consequences. Despite these challenges, their unwavering optimism and emotional resilience make them well-suited to leadership roles or careers requiring persistence and charisma. This temperament is considered a temperament style rather than a disorder, but in extreme cases, it might share some features with hypomania, though it remains distinct due to the absence of significant functional impairment.

A hyperthymic personality is not considered a disorder; it is a temperament style characterized by consistently high energy, optimism, and sociability. However, in extreme cases, it may resemble hypomania, though it lacks the significant functional impairments required for a clinical diagnosis.

Temperament refers to the inherent traits and predispositions that shape an individual’s baseline mood, energy levels, and behavior, often rooted in biology and relatively stable over time. It represents a natural variation in personality, such as being more introverted, extroverted, or optimistic, without necessarily causing significant distress or impairing daily functioning. In contrast, a disorder is a clinically significant condition characterized by patterns of thought, emotion, or behavior that cause marked distress, dysfunction, or harm to an individual or those around them. While temperament can influence how someone responds to life events, a disorder typically requires intervention and may significantly disrupt life's personal, social, or occupational aspects.

Divorce, Grief and the Forever Bond

The Forever Bond signifies a lasting emotional connection despite challenges, changes, or loss. This bond is not easily broken and often persists throughout a person’s life.

In "The Grieving Brain" by Dr. Mary Fridman O'Connor, the "Forever Bond" concept refers to the deep, enduring connections individuals form with their partners in marriage and other close relationships. This bond is characterized by emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and a profound sense of attachment.

The Forever Bond keeps the human race surviving through marriage, children, groups, relatives, and tribes. It is the glue that creates loyalty and holds groups together.

However, this same bond can also lead to profound grief, violence, destructive behaviors, and conflict when those bonds are attacked or forced to change.

When the primary relationship’s external lives change in status, as in divorce, the Forever Bond’s context is also forced to change, and it resists—especially with a spousal relationship or, more painfully, a child. It can feel like it is tearing you apart inside and out, with profound disappointment, broken promises, and confusion on a core level. You can feel like your emotional heart is breaking.

Understanding Helps

Understanding the grief process is crucial because it helps you better understand and accept what you are experiencing with more compassion and consideration. There is a way through, by yielding to what is needed to rewrite how the brain holds that kind of bond—the changed, new context—so even though the still bond lives, it learns to reflect your current reality of the change. Evidence shows the Forever Bond doesn’t quickly go away. This profound process affects the brain, nervous system, extended family, friends, and community. Humans usually have many Forever Bonds with multiple people in a lifetime. Grief is the mechanism that helps you deal with what Life brings you.

You don’t live on human terms. You live as a human on Life’s terms. No matter how hard you try to control Life, its terms win. Grief can help you be a more willing participant in Life’s terms: what is happening now outside your control, in small, slow steps taken often if you let it.

If You Let It

Rewriting or rewiring these Forever Bonds may seem slow, but there is so much to address, much of which you are even aware of. Therapy focused on Grief and the Forever Bond can enhance your brain’s acceptance, gradually. The grief process aims to bring you back from your past-based emotional and mental points of view to the present. This can allow you to focus on what is happening now rather than being blinded by the intensity of past hurts and continuing to try and change the other when they have moved on.

The felt Forever Bond often remains, though, somewhere deep in your emotional heart, allowing you to move on to new primary relationships, forming new Forever Bonds with others. Yeah. It is complicated.

While therapy cannot eliminate grief, it can help reduce the intensity of your resentment and regrets, which are the hardest parts to deal with. These unresolved feelings can trigger conflicts in the future, igniting marital and family disputes when you least expect it. The grief therapy process can help loosen the grip of these negative feelings and create space for healthier current relationships. If you you let it, on Life’s terms.

How You Will Know Grief Is Progressing

The Heavy Weight:

One of the ways to know when a grief layer is released? You will feel a little physically lighter. Unprocessed Grief is carried by thehe nervous system all over you have body and can feel like wearing a heavy weighted coat. That is also known as a burden. It often becomes normalized in order to function so the little moment of “feeling a little lighter” could mes as a surprise.

It Comes In Waves:

The emotions of Grief, once freed from emotional numbness, comes over you like an ocean wave. Some small, some large and some can drop you to your knees from the intensity. And, they can come seemingly out of nowhere. This is progress, though painful. The Forever Bond is working to change to a new relation contest, one small, slow step at a time. Over time, the emotional ways become further a part. A sign of more acceptance and adjustment. As long as the Forever Bond is deep in you, which is mist likely you whole life time, there are times that an emotional Grief wave can surface regarding that former relationship context.

More Grief Release Signposts:

Increased Acceptance

Understanding of Reality: You may begin to accept the reality of their loss rather than continually trying to deny or avoid it. They can acknowledge that the person, relationship or thing they lost is gone.

Integration of Loss: You start to integrate your loss into your life narrative, allowing yourself to move forward while still allowinh gratitude from what was lost and lessening the grip of resememrs and regrets.

Emotional Regulation

Decreased Intensity of Emotions: Intense feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety may begin to lessen. You may experience more stable emotions and have greater control over your emotional reactions.

Ability to Experience Joy Again: The capacity to experience moments of happiness or joy without guilt or sadness may indicate progress. You may find pleasure in activities they once enjoyed.

Increased Engagement with Life

Reconnecting and creating new Social Circles: Individuals may start to reach out to friends and family, seeking social interaction and support rather than isolating themselves.

Pursuing Interests: A willingness to engage in hobbies, interests, or activities that were neglected during the height of grief can signify movement toward healing.

Improved Coping Mechanisms

Adopting Healthy Coping Strategies: you might develop healthier coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative outlets, rather than relying on avoidance or destructive behaviors.

Reflective Thinking

Meaning-Making: you may start to reflect on the experience of loss and find meaning or lessons learned from it. This reflective thinking can help you make sense of their grief.

Memorializing the Loss or the Deceased: They may engage in activities to honor or remember the person or relationship or thing you lost, such as creating a memory book, planting a tree, or participating in rituals.

Changes in Perspective

Shifts in Priorities: A change in life priorities or goals may occur, with you focusing more on what is meaningful to you following your loss.

Greater Empathy for Others: You may develop a deeper understanding of and empathy for others who are grieving, leading to increased compassion and connection.

Resilience

Increased Ability to Handle Challenges: you may find that you are better equipped to deal with other life challenges or stressors that arise, demonstrating emotional resilience.

Hope for the Future: An emerging sense of hope or willingness to plan for the future can signal progress in the grieving process.

Therefore:

Targeted therapy addressing grief, resentment, unexpressed emotions, and gratitude can ease your reactions to triggers from others and inside yourself is a way of loosening the grip of the past and free more emotional, mental and relationship space now. This can unstick other elements of your Grief process.

Your best friend in Life is you, with Compassion, Kindness and Mercy turned inward. Then, honesty. Yeah, Its complicated. And if you are a reading this, Life is Alive in you. Live on its terms.

Digging Deeper

The Difference Between Resentment & Contempt

❤️‍🩹Resentment: A Cry For Help & Can Be A Motivator For Resolution & Change

Resentment in a relationship often arises from feelings of being wronged, neglected, or unappreciated. It serves as a "cry for help" for several reasons:

1. ❤️‍🩹Underlying Needs: Resentment typically emerges when emotional needs—such as appreciation, support, or communication—are unmet. When individuals feel consistently overlooked or hurt, their resentment signals something is amiss in the relationship dynamic.

2. ❤️‍🩹Communication Breakdown: Resentment often builds when partners cannot express their feelings openly. Instead of addressing grievances directly, they may bottle them up, leading to a cumulative effect. This unexpressed frustration can manifest as resentment, indicating a need for better communication and understanding.

3. ❤️‍🩹Desire for Change: Resentment can motivate individuals to seek change in their relationship. It signals that something needs to be addressed, whether a specific behavior or an unmet need. Recognizing this feeling can prompt conversations that lead to resolution and improvement.

4. ❤️‍🩹Emotional Distress: Resentment can be distressing and exhausting, often indicating internal conflict. Individuals may feel torn between their emotions and desire to maintain the relationship, signaling a clear need for help.

💔Contempt: WARNING

-Sulfuric Acid Of Love-

can make resolution and reconciliation nearly impossible.

Conversely, 💔contempt is significantly more destructive in a marriage. It represents a profound lack of respect for one’s partner, DISGUST, and dehumanization and can manifest in various harmful ways:

1. 💔Character Attacks: Contempt often involves belittling or mocking the partner, implying they are inferior or unworthy. This can take the form of sarcasm, derision, or dismissive body language (like eye-rolling), which can be deeply hurtful.

2. 💔Erosion of Trust: Contempt undermines a relationship's foundation of trust and safety. Partners may feel constantly judged or attacked, leading to emotional withdrawal and isolation.

3. 💔Communication Shutdown: Unlike resentment, which may still hold space for dialogue, contempt often shuts down communication. Partners may avoid discussing issues out of fear of being ridiculed or dismissed, leading to further distance and unresolved conflicts.

4. 💔Predictors of Divorce: Research, including studies by Dr. John Gottman, has identified contempt as one of the strongest predictors of divorce. It creates a toxic environment that can make resolution and reconciliation nearly impossible.

5. 💔Cycle of Negativity: Contempt can lead to a vicious cycle where negative interactions become the norm. When one partner expresses contempt, it triggers defensive reactions from the other, resulting in escalating conflicts and further contemptuous behavior.

📌Examples Illustrating the Differences

1. Expression of Feelings

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I feel like I do everything around here, and it’s frustrating.”

💔 - Contempt: “You’re so lazy; I’m the only one who ever does anything in this house.”

2. Tone of Voice

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I wish you would listen to me more often.”

💔 - Contempt: “Why would you listen to me? You never understand anything anyway.”

3. Focus on Behavior

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I’m upset you didn’t call when you ran late.”

💔 - Contempt: “You always forget the simplest things. It’s like you don’t care at all.”

4. Acknowledgment of Efforts

❤️‍🩹- Resentment: “I’ve been working hard, and it feels like you don’t notice.”

💔 - Contempt: “You think you’re so busy, but you don’t even do half of what I do.”

5. Listening Skills

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I feel like my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.”

💔 - Contempt: “You’re just overreacting, as usual.”

6. Problem-Solving Approach

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “We keep having the same argument, and it’s exhausting.”

💔 - Contempt: “You’ll never change your mind, so why bother?”

7. Use of “I” Statements

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I feel hurt when you forget important dates.”

💔 - Contempt: “You’re so careless; it’s embarrassing.”

8. Addressing Misunderstandings

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I didn’t mean to upset you; I just wanted to share my thoughts.”

💔 - Contempt: “You took that the wrong way, as usual.”

9. Future Intentions

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I hope we can find a way to communicate better.”

💔 - Contempt: “I doubt you’ll ever change how you communicate.”

10. Expressing Gratitude

❤️‍🩹 - Resentment: “I wish you’d show appreciation more often.”

💔 - Contempt: “You’re never grateful for anything I do.”

Therefore:

In summary, ❤️‍🩹resentment❤️‍🩹 serves as a signal for help, indicating unmet needs and a desire for better communication and understanding in a relationship. When addressed constructively, it can lead to healing and growth.

Conversely, 💔contempt💔 represents a foundational breakdown of respect, leading to destructive patterns that can severely damage or even destroy a marriage. Marriage Researcher John Gottman calls contempt the “ sulfuric acid of love.” Recognizing and addressing these emotions early can help partners foster healthier, more supportive relationships. Understanding the differences between resentment and contempt is crucial for effective communication and conflict resolution.

How To Stop Your Addiction To Contempt: Dismissiveness, Sarcasm & Disrespect

1. Recognize the Harm of Contempt: “sulfuric acid for love”

• Contempt involves dismissiveness, sarcasm, and disrespect, which erodes trust and intimacy, and others often respond with resentment toward you.

• It can become addictive because it provides a false sense of superiority or control.

2. Understand Emotional Contempt Triggers

• Contempt often arises from unmet needs, fear, or resentment.

• Reflect on the root causes of negative feelings instead of projecting them onto others.

3. Practice Gratitude To Build New Neuropathways In Your Brain

• Regularly express appreciation and gratitude to counterbalance tendencies toward criticism.

• Gratitude rewires the brain to focus on the positive aspects of a partner and the relationship.

4. Cultivate Emotional Awareness:

• Be mindful of the feelings driving contempt and address them constructively.

• Name and process emotions without displacing them onto others.

5. Build a Culture of Respect: EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION

• Replace contemptuous behavior with kindness and curiosity about your partner’s perspective.

• Foster habits like active listening, affirming each other's values and showing affection.

• A culture of appreciation is best strengthened by replacing contempt with expressing one's feelings and longings as an invitation to mutually connect, discuss, and address each person’s core needs.

6. Focus on Positive Interactions

• Gottman’s research emphasizes the “magic ratio” of 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one.

• Celebrate small wins and moments of connection in daily life.

7. Seek Self-Improvement

Click Above Image for article

• Practice empathy: The key to empathic responses is active listening, acknowledging their feelings without trying to "fix" them, and offering your presence as a source of comfort and support.

  The difference between sympathy and empathy lies in the depth of connection. Sympathy often acknowledges someone's feelings without fully engaging with their experience. On the other hand, empathy involves genuinely putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and validating their emotions.

  Practicing empathetic responses can foster greater emotional intimacy and trust during challenging times. It builds confidence that “I have your emotional back” in this relationship.

• Commit to breaking the cycle of contempt for your own well-being and your partner’s.

By recognizing contempt’s corrosive effects and adopting these practices, individuals can rebuild healthier, more fulfilling relationships and cultivate emotional resilience.

So, how do you stop contempt? What do you replace it with if you can’t simply squash it? Gottman initially encouraged creating an “atmosphere of appreciation,” but that is what is lacking when you’re in contempt. To simply try to do the opposite (appreciate) puts you right back into feeling fake—and the power of contempt is that it feels like you are being genuine. Gottman realized there needs to be a path that leads to a culture of appreciation, and that is by expressing your feelings and your longings.

People in contempt think they are expressing emotions—but they aren’t. They certainly feel emotions, but contempt is expressing (negative) judgments, which your partner will resent. So the key antidote to contempt is expressing your feelings and longings—and expressing them well. —— John Gottman

EXAMPLES OF CONTEMPT AND THEIR ANTIDOTES:

CONTEMPT: “Look at you, making breakfast and not asking me if I’d like any! You’re a selfish pig!”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “I miss having our mornings together – we used to really relax. I felt lonely watching you this morning.”

——-

CONTEMPT: “What on earth is wrong with you, driving like a maniac! Why can’t you be responsible—like me?!” 

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “When you drive like that, I get scared! I honestly start worrying we’ll have an accident, even though I know you’re an alert driver. Can we talk about what’s going on?” (Don’t try to have this discussion in the car!)

————

CONTEMPT: “Only thoughtless people are late! Not that you are ever going to change…”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION:“You know your lateness irritates me – like right now! I don’t need you to be perfect, but it’s hard for me, waiting for you. Tell me something about how you’re working to address this?”   

______

CONTEMPT: “Really? You ‘forgot’ to let me know you had a conflict with our parenting class? As if. I never do this to you…”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION:“Honey, I can forget things myself – sometimes even important things! But this hurt! I felt embarrassed, being there by myself. I really want an apology!”

_______

CONTEMPT: “Are you still harping on that? That was six years ago and you’re bringing it up again? Why the hell don’t you see a therapist?”

EMOTION— LONGING—INVITATION: “Whoa – I feel like I’m missing something here, and I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me that this old wound gets healed, and I’m not sure how. Why is this coming up right now for you?”

(Source Gottman Inst!tute — thank you! )

Notice what the antidotes entail: a clear statement of what I am feeling (“I’m mad, sad, lonely, scared,…”), often combined with a request or a longing (“I’d like…”) and, ideally, an invitation (“What do you think?” “Can we talk about this?”)

Once you see what contempt is for, it becomes possible to kill it in its tracks— because you are now focused on expressing what is going on for you. And that is integrity. —- John Gottman

DIGGING DEEPER:

When Relationship Chemistry Is Confused With Compatibility

Relationship chemistry refers to the natural connection, physical attraction, and emotional spark between individuals. Chemistry is often characterized by mutual attraction, shared energy, and a sense of ease or excitement in each other's presence. It’s about how people feel when interacting and whether they "click" emotionally or instinctually.

In contrast, relationship compatibility involves the practical, emotional, and interpersonal skills needed to sustain and nurture a relationship over time. This includes communication, conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and shared values or goals that support a stable and healthy partnership. While chemistry draws people together, capability determines whether they can build a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Here are ten examples of couples confusing chemistry (emotional or physical attraction) with compatibility (the ability to sustain a healthy, functional relationship):

1. Intense Attraction Despite Incompatibility

• Scenario: A couple feels a strong physical and emotional pull toward each other but has vastly different life goals (e.g., one dreams of traveling the world while the other wants to settle down in a small town).

• Confusion: They believe the attraction will "make it work," ignoring the practical mismatch.

2. Mistaking Passion for Problem-Solving

• Scenario: They have fiery arguments but equally fiery make-ups, believing the passion means they’re meant to be.

• Confusion: They overlook the lack of communication skills to constructively resolve issues.

3. Overlooking Value Differences

• Scenario: They share a magnetic spark but have conflicting core values (e.g., one prioritizes career, the other prioritizes family).

• Confusion: They assume their chemistry will bridge the gap in their values.

4. Ignoring Red Flags Due to Physical Attraction

• Scenario: One partner exhibits controlling or toxic behavior, but the other dismisses it because the physical connection is intense.

• Confusion: They believe the chemistry is a sign of deeper compatibility, despite unhealthy dynamics.

5. Overestimating Compatibility Based on Similar Hobbies

• Scenario: A couple connects over a shared love of music festivals, assuming this means they’re deeply compatible.

• Confusion: They fail to recognize they handle conflict, finances, and stress very differently.

6. Staying Together Despite Poor Teamwork

• Scenario: They feel electrified when together but struggle to make joint decisions, manage responsibilities, or plan for the future.

• Confusion: They think their chemistry will eventually make them a good team, even as patterns suggest otherwise.

7. Believing Chemistry Will Fix Commitment Issues

• Scenario: One partner is hesitant to commit, but the other believes their deep connection will change their mind.

• Confusion: They mistake attraction for the capability to align on commitment.

8. Mistaking Shared Trauma for Deep Compatibility

• Scenario: They bond over shared difficult experiences and believe it means they’re uniquely suited for each other.

• Confusion: They don’t address whether they have the emotional tools to build a healthy relationship beyond their trauma bond.

9. Confusing Fun Times with Long-Term Suitability

• Scenario: They have amazing dates and a strong emotional connection during good times but fall apart under stress.

• Confusion: They think the good times represent their potential, dismissing the importance of handling adversity.

10. Believing Intensity Equals Stability

• Scenario: They feel an overwhelming connection and believe it means their relationship is destined to last.

• Confusion: They ignore that they lack shared problem-solving skills, emotional maturity, or aligned future goals.

The key distinction here is that chemistry is about how you feel in the moment, while capability is how you function together over time. Recognizing the differences can help couples avoid mismatched relationships or approach the differences in a more skillful, compassionate way. Every couple eventually faces the increased complicity of life and it brings more and more differences to the surface for the couples to face in each other. Some couples turn toward the conflict of differences in a skillful manner, and some make other choices.

Consider Jake and Anna, who met at a friend’s party. They clicked instantly, finishing each other’s sentences and laughing all night. But as their relationship deepened, they argued over money, family obligations, and how they spent their free time. Their strong chemistry had brought them together, but their differences in values and communication styles created constant friction. They decided to work with a counselor, where they learned to listen to each other without jumping to conclusions. Over time, they began to appreciate their differences and find compromises that worked for both.

On the other hand, Matt and Sarah also felt a strong attraction when they met. They fell into a whirlwind romance, but cracks began to show when they faced real challenges, like losing a job and dealing with a sick parent. Instead of addressing their struggles together, they avoided hard conversations and relied on the excitement of their physical connection to smooth things over. Eventually, their relationship collapsed under the weight of unresolved conflicts. Their story shows how chemistry alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship when life gets tough.

Couples who mistake chemistry for compatibility often expect their connection to stay effortless. But real relationships require work, especially when life throws curveballs. Compatibility means sharing similar values, goals, and ways of handling conflict. It also means respecting each other’s differences and being willing to grow together. Without these elements, even the strongest spark can fizzle out.

For example, Maria and James struggled early in their marriage. James wanted a quiet, predictable life, while Maria thrived on socializing and spontaneity. They often felt frustrated with each other, but instead of giving up, they committed to understanding their needs and finding a ground based on consideration and core needs. Through patience and honest conversations, they discovered ways to balance James’s need for structure with Maria’s love of adventure. Their story shows how compatibility can grow when both partners are willing to adapt and support each other.

In contrast, Lisa and Greg faced similar differences but took a different path. Lisa’s desire for travel and new experiences clashed with Greg’s preference for stability, and neither was willing to bend. They frequently criticized each other, and over time, resentment built up. Instead of seeking help or trying to understand each other and deal with resentfulness that had built up by avoiding conflicts, they focused on their frustrations with the other, which only drove them further apart. Their relationship ended, leaving both feeling disappointed and hurt.

Relationships like these show that chemistry may draw two people together, but compatibility—-the willingness to face differences in a considerate way—-determines whether they can build a life together. It takes courage to face and work through conflicts rather than avoid them. Couples who succeed often rely on tools like open communication, empathy, and professional support when needed. The work is not easy, but it makes love grow deeper and stronger.

Therapists like John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of emotional safety and understanding in relationships. Their research shows that successful couples are not free from conflict but know how to repair after an argument and maintain a sense of mutual respect. Similarly, Sue Johnson’s work in Emotionally Focused Therapy highlights the need for couples to feel secure in their connection, which allows them to face life’s challenges as a team.

For struggling couples, it’s important to remember that love is not just a feeling but a choice and a commitment. The strength of chemistry will not ever be able to replace the need for each person to grow and learn new ways of handling conflict. However, chemistry can be the fuel that both people can harness to develop compatibility that can grow with effort and intention. Facing life together means being honest about differences, learning to manage conflict, and supporting each other’s dreams and struggles. This level of partnership goes beyond fleeting excitement and creates a foundation that can weather life’s storms.

Ultimately, relationships thrive when both partners are willing to look beyond the initial spark and invest in understanding and growth. Chemistry may be the spark that lights the fire, but compatibility is the steady fuel that keeps it burning. The couples who succeed balance passion with the hard work of building a life together, knowing that true love is not just about the magic of the beginning but the strength and resilience they build along the way.

Digging Deeper:

Build Capability: Respect, Validation, and Kindness

The Difference Between Accountability and Defensiveness

Drs. John and Julie Gottman define it this way:

Accountability: Taking responsibility for your words or actions and acknowledging how they affect others. 

Defensiveness: An opposing defense mechanism involves denying or deflecting blame to protect yourself from feeling insufficient or wrong. 

Here are 10 examples highlighting the impact of honest self-accountability versus defensiveness in relationship conflicts:

1. Trust and Emotional Safety

• Honest Account: When a partner openly admits their role, it builds trust and emotional safety, showing they value transparency and vulnerability.
  Example: "I overreacted because I was stressed, and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness erodes trust, making the other partner feel dismissed or invalidated.
  Example: "I wouldn’t have overreacted if you didn’t always push my buttons."

2. Conflict Resolution

• Honest Account: Taking responsibility facilitates collaborative problem-solving and quicker resolution.
  Example: "I see how my behavior contributed to the misunderstanding. Let’s figure out how to avoid this next time."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness escalates conflicts, making resolution harder.
  Example: "This isn’t just my fault; you’re the one who started it."

3. Empathy and Connection

• Honest Account: Acknowledging one’s mistakes fosters empathy and deepens connection.
  Example: "I can imagine how hurtful that must have been for you. I’m sorry."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness often shifts blame, creating emotional distance.
  Example: "You’re too sensitive; it wasn’t a big deal."

4. Modeling Positive Behavior

• Honest Account: Demonstrating accountability encourages the other partner to reflect on their own behavior.
  Example: "I was wrong to ignore your concerns. Let’s talk about it."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness can trigger reciprocation, where both partners avoid taking responsibility.
  Example: "If you think I’m ignoring you, maybe it’s because you never listen to me either."

5. Avoidance of Resentment

• Honest Account: Owning up prevents resentment from building by showing a willingness to grow.
  Example: "I know I’ve done this before, and I’m working on changing it."

• Defensive Account: Persistent defensiveness fuels resentment by making the offended partner feel unheard.
  Example: "Why do you always make me the bad guy?"

6. Longevity of Relationship

• Honest Account: Accountability strengthens the partnership, creating a foundation of mutual respect.
  Example: "I recognize I’ve been distant lately, and I want to be more present."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness erodes long-term stability, as unresolved issues accumulate.
  Example: "You’re imagining things; I’m not distant."

7. Emotional Validation

• Honest Account: Validating emotions reassures the other partner they are valued and respected.
  Example: "I see why you felt that way, and I’ll do better."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness invalidates emotions, making the partner feel dismissed.
  Example: "I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this."

8. Growth and Change

• Honest Account: Acknowledging faults shows a willingness to grow, encouraging mutual improvement.
  Example: "I can see my role in this and want to make changes to be better for us."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness resists growth, keeping destructive patterns alive.
  Example: "This is just who I am; deal with it."

9. Power Dynamics

• Honest Account: Accountability balances power dynamics, showing equality in responsibility.
  Example: "I made a mistake, and I want to fix it."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness shifts the blame, creating a dynamic of superiority or victimization.
  Example: "You’re overreacting as usual. I’m not the problem here."

10. Emotional Well-Being

• Honest Account: Taking responsibility contributes to both partners’ emotional well-being by fostering peace and understanding.
  Example: "I regret how I handled that. I want us to feel good together again."

• Defensive Account: Defensiveness creates stress and emotional harm, leaving unresolved hurt.
  Example: "You’re always finding something wrong with me; maybe you’re the issue."

The contrast between these approaches shows how honesty can heal and strengthen a relationship, while defensiveness can perpetuate conflict and build resentment.

You Are Not My Boss: The Difference Between Attachment vs. Differentiation

In marriage and family relationships, it’s common to feel pressured by your partner or family member to try something they want, think how they do about something, or act how they want you to for their sake.

As a two-year-old might say when told to do something they don’t want: “You’re not my boss!” Having your own voice, opinions, and preferences is just as important in a marriage or family relationship as the need to feel attached, close, and connected.

Click Above Image for the article on the magic of GRACE

This highlights two key developmental forces of relationship and personal growth. Human beings naturally want both to feel close to someone and to maintain a strong sense of who they are as an individual. Finding an ever-changing balance between these two needs determines the satisfaction and the level of resentment a relationship can have. When you attack or strongly pressure others to go against their core needs, they will resent you and shut down. Respect and being a graceful advocate for your core needs and the other reduces resentment and increases trust, commitment, and closeness for all involved.

The Difference Between Attachment vs. Differentiation

1. Attachment: Attachment refers to the emotional bond that forms between partners. A need for closeness, reassurance, and mutual dependency characterizes it. In marriage, attachment focuses on the desire to feel secure and connected to your partner.

2. Differentiation: Differentiation, in contrast, refers to an individual's ability to maintain their sense of self while being emotionally connected to their partner. It involves balancing closeness and independence without losing oneself in the relationship or feeling overly threatened by differences.

   Key Difference: While attachment emphasizes connection and dependency, differentiation emphasizes the capacity to stay emotionally connected without compromising individuality.

10 Examples: High vs. Low Differentiation Conversations

High Differentiation Conversations

1. Partner A: "I value my alone time, but I also enjoy our time together. Let’s find a balance that works for both of us." Partner B: "I respect that you need space. I’ll let you know if I start feeling distant, and we can adjust."

2. Partner A: "I feel hurt when you interrupt me, but I know it’s not intentional. Can we work on this together?"Partner B: "Thanks for telling me. I’ll try to be more mindful of that."

3. Partner A: "I want to try something new for our vacation, even if it’s not your favorite. Are you open to discussing it?" Partner B: "Sure, let’s discuss what we want and compromise."

4. Partner A: "I notice we have different political views. I’d like to understand why you feel the way you do."Partner B: "I appreciate your curiosity. Let’s have an open discussion without judgment."

5. Partner A: "I’m struggling with work stress and might need more support this week." Partner B: "Thanks for sharing. Let me know how I can help without overstepping."

6. Partner A: "I love spending time with your family, but I also need some downtime after work." Partner B:"That’s fair. Let’s plan visits that work for both of us."

7. Partner A: "I don’t enjoy watching sports as much as you do, but I’d be happy to watch a game together occasionally." Partner B: "Thanks! I appreciate the effort, and we can also find activities we both enjoy."

8. Partner A: "I feel anxious about finances, but I trust we can figure it out together." Partner B: "I feel the same way sometimes. Let’s create a plan to ease our worries."

9. Partner A: "I need more time to think about this decision. I value your opinion, but I want to be sure of my choice." Partner B: "Take your time. I trust you to make the right decision for yourself."

10. Partner A: "I don’t feel like going to the party tonight, but I understand if you want to go without me." Partner B: "I’d like to go, but I understand your need to stay home. Let’s talk about how we handle events differently."

Low Differentiation Conversations

1. Partner A: "You always need so much space! Don’t you care about me?" Partner B: "Why do you always take it personally? Maybe I shouldn’t even share my needs with you.

2. Partner A: "You hurt my feelings by interrupting me. You’re so insensitive." Partner B: "Well, maybe you’re just too sensitive. Grow up."

3. Partner A: "Why do you always pick the vacation spot? Don’t you care about my preferences?" Partner B:"Maybe if you weren’t so difficult, I’d listen more."

4. Partner A: "Your political views are so frustrating. I don’t even know how you can think that way." Partner B:"Well, at least I’m not as naive as you."

5. Partner A: "You never support me when I’m stressed. I feel like I’m on my own." Partner B: "Maybe if you weren’t so dramatic, I’d feel like helping you."

6. Partner A: "I hate spending so much time with your family. It’s exhausting." Partner B: "Why can’t you just suck it up like I do with your friends?"

7. Partner A: "I can’t believe you’re making me watch sports again. You’re so selfish." Partner B: "You’re the selfish one. You never do anything I like."

8. Partner A: "Our finances are a mess, and it’s all your fault." Partner B: "At least I’m not the one spending money recklessly."

9. Partner A: "I don’t care what you think. I’m making this decision my way." Partner B: "Fine, but don’t come crying to me when it backfires."

10. Partner A: "If you go to that party without me, it shows you don’t love me." Partner B: "You’re so controlling. Maybe I won’t come back at all."

Differentiation: I Respect You, Me, and Us

If one end of the spectrum is enmeshment and the other extreme is detachment, differentiation is mid-way. Family therapy pioneer Murrary Bowen described differentiation as an evolutionary process fueled by two counter-balancing forces – the need for belonging and separation. Differentiation refers to how an individual can delineate self while in touch with feelings. A differentiated person accepts and discerns thoughts and emotions equally, manages reactivity, and makes meaningful choices, aware of how they affect others. They care for themselves and extend the care to others.

Therefore:

High-differentiation conversations show mutual respect, open communication, and self-awareness. Low-differentiation conversations are reactive, blame-oriented, and dismissive, reflecting difficulty maintaining individuality while staying emotionally connected.

Digging Deeper

Click the above image for an in-depth discussion on being close and having your voice with Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.

Click the above image for the audio as an invitation to honesty.

Click the above image for an article from The Gottman Institute.

Click the above image for David Schnarch Summary of Practices to Cultivate Differentiation.

Thank you to Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. (Couples Institute), David Schnarch and Julie and John Gottman (Gottman Institute)

When Is Yelling Emotional Abuse?

Yelling at a spouse, even when it stems from PTSD reactions and prior trauma, can feel abusive to the person on the receiving end. However, whether it is labeled "abuse" depends on intent, frequency, the dynamics of the relationship, and efforts to address the behavior.

Key Considerations:

1. Impact on the Partner:

   • If yelling instills fear, hurt, diminishes self-esteem, or undermines the partner’s emotional well-being, it may be experienced as emotional abuse, regardless of the cause.

2. Intention vs. Impact:

   • Abuse typically involves a pattern of intentional behavior to control, manipulate, or harm another person. If the yelling is unintentional and rooted in trauma responses, it may not align with the intent to abuse but can still cause hurt.

3. Accountability:

   • Even if the yelling stems from PTSD, the person experiencing trauma has a responsibility to seek help, learn coping mechanisms, and minimize the impact on their partner, and the couple can learn to work together on these situations by handing triggers productively.

4. Efforts Toward Healing:

   • A person actively working to address their trauma and apologizing sincerely after outbursts demonstrates accountability. This effort can differentiate a harmful behavior from a pattern of abuse.

5. Pattern and Context:

   • If yelling is part of a broader, consistent pattern of control, threats, or intimidation, it is more likely to be considered emotional abuse.

How to Address This:

• For the Person Yelling:

  • Seek trauma-focused therapy (e.g., EMDR or CBT for PTSD).

  • Learn communication and self-regulation skills (e.g., mindfulness, grounding exercises).

  • Practice taking responsibility and repairing the harm caused by outbursts.

• For the Partner:

  • Set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable.

  • Encourage the person to seek professional help.

  • Consider therapy for yourself to process the impact of the behavior.

It’s crucial to remember that while prior trauma may explain someone's behavior, it doesn’t excuse hurt to others. If the behavior continues unchecked, it can erode trust and emotional safety in the relationship.

The Difference between Sexual Addiction and Sexual Impulse Control Issues

Sexual Addiction is a compulsive condition with deep psychological and neurochemical roots, while Sexual Impulsivity is more a challenge of self-regulation and situational judgment.

Sexual addiction and sexual impulsivity are distinct yet overlapping observations and understandings, and being able to identify which is operating and what treatment is needed requires exploring the underlying mechanisms, patterns, and consequences. Here are the differences in description of each and treatment.

1. Definition

• Sexual Addiction:

  • A clinical concept where individuals are compulsively driven to engage in sexual behaviors despite significant adverse consequences (e.g., harm to relationships, work, or personal well-being).

  • It is often conceptualized as a disorder of compulsive behavior with a cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, acting out, and despair.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • Refers to difficulties in controlling urges or impulses related to sexual behavior, often acting on a whim without forethought.

  • It’s more situational and not necessarily driven by compulsive cycles or dependency.

2. Underlying Mechanisms

• Sexual Addiction:

  • Often linked to deeper emotional issues, such as trauma, attachment disorders, or attempts to regulate emotions through sexual activity.

  • It involves neurochemical patterns similar to substance addictions, where dopamine release reinforces compulsive behavior.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • It is more tied to poor impulse control or momentary lapses in judgment rather than an entrenched behavioral cycle.

  • It may be associated with conditions like ADHD or personality disorders, where impulsivity is a broader characteristic.

3. Behavioral Patterns

• Sexual Addiction:

  • Persistent, repetitive behaviors despite awareness of harm.

  • Time-consuming rituals that revolve around planning, fantasizing, or engaging in sexual acts.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • Sporadic and less premeditated sexual acts.

  • There is less focus on rituals or compulsions; behaviors may happen opportunistically.

4. Emotional Experience

• Sexual Addiction:

  • Feelings of guilt, shame, or regret are often present, perpetuating the cycle.

  • Individuals feel "out of control" and trapped in their behavior.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • This may include regret, but this is not always the case.

  • Often linked to external triggers or environmental opportunities rather than internal compulsions.

5. Impact and Consequences

• Sexual Addiction:

  • Long-term consequences include relationship breakdowns, financial loss, legal trouble, or health risks.

  • It may disrupt daily functioning.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • Consequences are usually situational (e.g., inappropriate relationships, risk-taking).

  • Less likely to pervasively disrupt all areas of life.

6. Treatment Approaches

• Sexual Addiction:

  • Requires structured intervention, often involving therapy (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy, trauma-focused therapy), support groups (e.g., Sex Addicts Anonymous), and sometimes medication for underlying disorders.

• Sexual Impulsivity:

  • Focused on improving impulse control through behavioral strategies, mindfulness, or addressing co-occurring disorders like ADHD.

In essence, sexual addiction is a compulsive condition with profound psychological and neurochemical roots, while sexual impulsivity more of a challenge of self-regulation and situational judgment.

How Treatment is Different for Sexual Addition and Sexual Impulse Control Issues

Sexual Addiction Treatment

1. 12-Step Programs (e.g., Sex Addicts Anonymous):

   • Provides peer support and a structured framework for recovery.

   • Emphasizes abstinence from compulsive behaviors.

2. Trauma-Informed Therapy:

   • Addresses underlying emotional pain or trauma driving addictive behaviors.

3. Psychodynamic Therapy:

   • Explores deep-seated emotional conflicts and unconscious patterns related to addiction.

4. CBT for Addictive Behaviors:

   • Develops strategies to interrupt the addiction cycle.

   • Focuses on alternative coping strategies.

5. Group Therapy:

   • Builds accountability and support from others with similar experiences.

6. Medication:

   • Naltrexone or other medications that modulate the brain's reward system may be considered for impulsivity and cravings.

Sexual Impulse Control Issue Treatment

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

   • Identifies and restructures maladaptive thought patterns.

   • Teaches coping mechanisms for managing triggers and impulses.

2. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):

   • Focuses on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness.

3. Mindfulness-Based Interventions:

   • Helps individuals stay present and manage urges without acting on them.

4. Medication:

   • SSRIs (e.g., fluoxetine) to address underlying anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

   • Anti-androgens or other hormonal treatments in extreme cases to reduce sexual urges.

5. Psychoeducation and Relapse Prevention:

   • Focus on understanding triggers, establishing healthy boundaries, and developing a supportive environment.

Acceptance is not Complacency

Integrating acceptance into your relationship to acknowledge the aspects of your relationship that can’t change can stop resentment loops and spirals, says Relationship researcher Bill Doherty, referencing Andy Christensen's Integrated Behavioral Couples Therapy model.

In this context, acceptance is not complacency but a compassionate understanding of each partner's inherent complexities and limitations, which Gottman Research calls “enduring vulnerabilities.”

Doherty points to the difference between the rigid "Popeye defense: I am what I am” of refusing to evolve with genuine self-awareness, recognizing one's impact on the partner, and a commitment to navigate the differences and limitations compassionately.

Acceptance and complacency in relationship dynamics are distinct, though they may sometimes be confused.

Here’s a breakdown of their differences:

Acceptance:

1. Understanding and Acknowledgment:

Acceptance involves recognizing and understanding the inherent complexities, limitations, and differences within a relationship. It means acknowledging that certain aspects of oneself or one’s partner may not change.

2. Compassionate Exploration:

Acceptance encourages a compassionate exploration of each partner's traits, behaviors, and idiosyncrasies. It fosters an environment where both partners can express themselves without fear of judgment or unrealistic expectations.

3. Commitment to Growth:

Click the image for the article

While acceptance acknowledges that not everything can be changed, it also entails a commitment to ongoing personal and relational growth. Partners may work to adapt, compromise, or find ways to navigate their differences while still accepting each other

4. Empathy and Connection:

Acceptance promotes empathy and strengthens the emotional bond between partners. It allows individuals to feel seen and understood, which can enhance intimacy and resilience within the relationship.

Complacency:

1. Lack of Motivation for Change:

Complacency often reflects a passive attitude toward relationship issues. It can manifest as a refusal to address problems or make efforts to improve the relationship, leading to stagnation.

2. Rigid Stance:

Complacency may involve a rigid mindset, such as the "Popeye defense" (i.e., "Accept me as I am"). This stance lacks willingness to engage in self-reflection or compromise, potentially ignoring the needs and feelings of the partner.

3. Avoidance of Responsibility:

Complacent individuals may avoid taking responsibility for their actions or their impact on the relationship. This can create frustration and resentment in the partner, as it may feel like one person is not invested in the relationship's health.

4. Detachment:

Complacency can lead to emotional detachment or disconnection, as partners may stop trying to understand or engage with each other’s needs and desires, resulting in a lack of intimacy and fulfillment.

5. Confidence: A belief that everything is fine, even when underlying issues or threats occur.

6. Ignorance of Problems: Failing to recognize or address warning signs or improvement opportunities.

7. False Security: A misguided assurance that current success or stability will only persist with continued effort.

7 Examples of how they differ:

1. Understanding vs. Ignoring

- Acceptance: A partner recognizes that their spouse is naturally introverted and may need time alone to recharge. They appreciate this trait and adjust their expectations for social outings accordingly.

- Complacency: A partner acknowledges their spouse's introversion but dismisses it as an excuse for never wanting to socialize, leading to resentment and a lack of engagement in social activities.

2. Compassionate Dialogue vs. Resentful Silence

- Acceptance: A couple openly discusses how one partner’s tendency to be overly critical stems from their upbringing. They work together to communicate needs without defensiveness, fostering understanding.

- Complacency: One partner accepts the criticism without addressing it, leading to hurt feelings and unresolved tension while feeling unwilling to discuss it further.

3. Flexible Solutions vs. Stagnation

- Acceptance: A partner acknowledges that their spouse has a different communication style (e.g., being more direct). They actively seek ways to bridge the gap, such as agreeing on specific times to discuss complex topics.

- Complacency: A partner feels frustrated by their spouse's directness but does nothing to address it, leading to ongoing miscommunication and frustration without any effort to compromise.

4. Encouragement vs. Giving Up

- Acceptance: A partner recognizes that their spouse tends to procrastinate. They offer support and suggestions for time management, helping them develop strategies to overcome it.

- Complacency: A partner does not address the procrastination and resigns themselves to always completing tasks alone, leading to resentment and a sense of imbalance in the relationship.

5. Mutual Growth vs. Status Quo

- Acceptance: A couple acknowledges differing priorities, such as one partner valuing career advancement and the other prioritizing family time. They find ways to support each other’s goals while maintaining their relationship's well-being.

- Complacency: One partner feels their career is more important and ignores the other’s feelings about family time, leading to resentment and a lack of mutual support or understanding.

6. Respectful Boundaries vs. Conflict Avoidance

- Acceptance: A partner understands that their spouse has a strong need for independence and creates a space where both can pursue individual interests while still valuing their time together.

- Complacency: One partner feels neglected due to the other's independence but avoids discussing it, leading to growing dissatisfaction without addressing the underlying issue.

7. Empathic Listening vs. Emotional Detachment

- Acceptance: A partner realizes the other tends to be more sensitive and takes things personally. They practice empathic listening and validate their spouse's feelings, fostering emotional intimacy.

- Complacency: One partner brushes off the other’s sensitivity, thinking, “They’ll get over it,” which leads to emotional detachment and a lack of understanding in the relationship.

Therefore:

These examples highlight how acceptance involves a proactive, compassionate, and growth-oriented approach to understanding and navigating personality traits and behaviors that cannot be changed, while complacency reflects a passive, unengaged stance that can lead to unresolved issues and emotional distance in the relationship.

Acceptance enriches relationships, fostering deeper connections, while complacency leads to stagnation and dissatisfaction.

Compassionate acceptance is an empowering consideration that inspires more self-awareness and accountability without shame and blame.

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The Difference Between Romantic and Erotic Desire

Romantic desire and sexual desire are related but distinct experiences, each involving different aspects of human relationships and emotions. Here’s an exploration of the differences:

Romantic Desire

• Definition: Romantic desire refers to the longing for emotional closeness, affection, and an intimate connection with another person. It often includes the wish to build a meaningful, lasting bond.

• Focus: It centers on emotional intimacy, companionship, and love. It’s about feeling seen, valued, and connected on a deeper emotional or spiritual level.

• Experience: Romantic desire can include wanting to spend quality time together, share life experiences, and nurture a partnership.

• Brain Involvement: Romantic attraction involves brain areas linked to attachment, such as the ventral tegmental area and caudate nucleus, which are associated with reward and bonding.

• Possible Without Sex: Romantic feelings can exist independently of sexual attraction. For instance, someone may feel romantically drawn to a person without wanting a sexual relationship (as in some asexual or demisexual relationships).

• Examples: Writing love letters, planning special dates, and feeling “butterflies” when thinking about someone.

Erotic Desire

• Definition: Erotic is sexual desire that is the physical or emotional longing for sexual activity or erotic sexual connection with another person.

• Focus: It is primarily about physical attraction and the pursuit of erotic sexual gratification. While it can involve emotional elements, its core is the biological drive for sexual intimacy.

• Experience: Sexual desire may manifest as physical arousal, fantasies, or a craving for erotic sexual interaction.

• Brain Involvement: Erotic sexual attraction often activates areas of the brain like the hypothalamus, which governs physiological responses, and the amygdala, which processes sexual stimuli.

• Possible Without Romance: Sexual attraction can occur without any romantic feelings, as in casual sexual encounters or relationships focused primarily on physical chemistry. An erotic sexual connection refers to a deep, intimate bond between individuals characterized by a strong sexual attraction and desire. This type of connection often encompasses not only physical and sexual aspects but also emotional, psychological, and spiritual dimensions.

• Here are some key elements that define an erotic sexual connection:

• Communication:

  - Open and honest communication about sexual preferences, boundaries, and consent is crucial. This ensures that both partners feel comfortable and respected in their interactions.

• Exploration and Playfulness:

  - An erotic connection often involves a willingness to explore each other's bodies, desires, and fantasies. This can include experimenting with different sexual practices, role-playing, or introducing elements of novelty and creativity into the relationship.

  Trust and Safety:

  - Establishing a sense of trust is essential for an erotic connection. Partners must feel safe to express themselves freely and explore their sexuality without fear of judgment or harm.

  Mutual Satisfaction:

  - The connection is characterized by a focus on mutual pleasure and satisfaction, with both partners working together to enhance each other's experiences.

• Passion and Desire:

  - A strong sense of passion and desire fuels the erotic connection, motivating partners to seek physical closeness and intimacy.

  An erotic sexual connection is multi-faceted, blending physical attraction with emotional depth, communication, and mutual respect. It can enhance relationships by fostering intimacy and pleasure, provided that both partners are on the same page regarding their desires and boundaries.

• Examples: Feeling physically drawn to someone, engaging in erotic sexual fantasies, or initiating physical intimacy.

Key Distinctions

1. Emotional vs. Physical: Romantic desire leans more towards emotional intimacy, while erotic sexual desire is rooted in physical attraction and arousal.

2. Timeframe: Romantic feelings often develop over time and deepen with mutual understanding, while sexual attraction can be immediate and instinctual.

3. Independence: They can exist independently. For example, a person might feel romantic love for someone but lack erotic sexual attraction, or vice versa.

Interplay Between the Two

• In many relationships, romantic and sexual desires overlap, enriching the connection.

• However, they can also diverge. Some people experience romantic feelings without erotic sexual attraction (e.g., asexual individuals) or erotic sexual attraction without romantic interest (e.g., casual sexual encounters).

Evolutionary Perspectives

Romantic Desire

• Survival of Bonds: Romantic desire evolved to promote long-term pair bonding. These bonds increase the chances of offspring survival by ensuring cooperation and resource sharing between partners.

• Attachment System: The evolution of romantic desire aligns with the human attachment system, which facilitates emotional connection and trust. Oxytocin (the "bonding hormone") plays a significant role in fostering these feelings.

Erotic Sexual Desire

• Reproductive Drive: Sexual desire is deeply rooted in the biological imperative to reproduce. It ensures the continuation of the species by motivating individuals to seek out partners for procreation.

• Diversity in Attraction: Evolution favors a wide range of sexual behaviors and preferences to maximize genetic diversity within a population.

Cultural Influences

Romantic Desire

• Historical Evolution: Romantic love, as we understand it today, is partly a social construct. While it exists across cultures, its expression and significance vary. For example, in medieval Europe, romantic love was idealized as “courtly love,” often separate from marriage, which was more about alliances.

• Media and Expectations: Modern media heavily influences perceptions of romance, promoting ideals such as "soulmates" or “happily ever after.” These narratives can shape how people pursue and experience romantic desire.

Erotic Sexual Desire

• Taboos and Norms: Cultures regulate sexual desire through norms, taboos, and laws, often tying it to morality or social order. For instance, some societies emphasize monogamy, while others embrace polygamy.

• Shifts Over Time: The sexual revolution of the 20th century and movements for LGBTQ+ rights have shifted attitudes toward sexual desire, promoting acceptance of diverse orientations and expressions.

Biological Influences

Romantic Desire

• Neurochemicals: Romantic love is associated with dopamine (reward and pleasure), oxytocin (bonding and trust), and vasopressin (commitment). These chemicals create feelings of euphoria, attachment, and loyalty.

• Love Phases: Helen Fisher’s research identifies three phases:

  1. Lust (sexual drive, fueled by testosterone and estrogen).

  2. Attraction (romantic infatuation, driven by dopamine and norepinephrine).

  3. Attachment (long-term bonding, involving oxytocin and vasopressin).

Erotic Sexual Desire

• Hormones: Testosterone and estrogen are primary drivers of sexual desire, influencing arousal levels.

• Physiological Arousal: The autonomic nervous system activates physical responses like increased heart rate and blood flow during sexual attraction.

• Individual Variations: Factors such as genetics, health, and life stage (e.g., puberty, menopause) affect the intensity and frequency of sexual desire.

Interplay and Conflicts

While romantic and sexual desires can align, conflicts may arise:

• Mismatch in Long-Term Relationships: Over time, romantic desire often remains stable or grows, while sexual desire may wane, leading to mismatched needs.

• Cultural and Personal Discrepancies: A person’s cultural or personal beliefs may prioritize one over the other, causing internal or relational tension.

Modern Challenges

1. Technology: Dating apps emphasize quick judgments, sometimes prioritizing sexual attraction over romantic potential.

2. Identity Exploration: As society becomes more inclusive, individuals feel freer to explore romantic or sexual desires that deviate from traditional norms (e.g., asexuality, polyamory).

3. Mental Health: Anxiety, depression, and stress can dampen both types of desire, creating challenges in maintaining intimacy.

How They Evolve Over Time

• Youth: Sexual desire often peaks during adolescence and early adulthood due to high hormonal activity, while romantic desire develops with emotional maturity.

• Adulthood: Romantic desire deepens in stable, secure relationships, and sexual desire may fluctuate based on stress, health, and life circumstances.

• Later Life: Romantic desire often thrives as emotional intimacy becomes more central, even as sexual desire diminishes due to biological aging.